Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Albert Doesn't Want To Play This Game Anymore

Ok, that's it, I'm officially tapping out and on vacation. Unless I get bored and think of something to write about. Otherwise, I'll be back soon, so don't go away. Just keep contributing money...more like "start" contributing money but I don't want quarrel...
Take note, Albert - this is a cat that wants to play the game.  You could learn a thing or two from Boots.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Going on Vacation...Wish You Were Coming.

I don't really. I had grand plans about writing a bunch of posts while I was on vacation so that you would all think I was the hardest worker out there but I am too lazy to do that. So you might get something now and then but probably not so I wouldn't hold your breath. You will likely die.

This would be the perfect time to have a bunch of ghostwriters or guest posters so if anyone feels like doing that, let me know. I need it to keep my readership and the money rolling in*.

I was also planning on giving you a hint to a big surprise I am planning for this blog but then I remembered that I am too lazy to do that as well so luckily I didn't build that up too much. It's important to set the bar low as it adds immeasurably to the element of surprise when something does actually happen. Which is not applicable here.

So, keep reading, even if it is blank pages - Albert needs a new collar**

*Anything more than what I am currently getting will be a bonus. What's an increase of 100% on 0? That might actually be too much math at this stage. If I carry the 1 and add 12, then I get...wait where did the 1 come from? Let's just round it down to 0 and call it good.
**Well "a" collar since we have been too poor to buy him one and I didn't want to take it out of my shoe allowance.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Saving Possums

A while back a friend of mine called me with some exciting news - she had just saved a baby possum and was going to move to Africa to look after baby wild animals because it was obviously her forte.* Apparently it was found playing dead in the courtyard which is their forte.  She sent me multiple videos depicting their short life together:
  • The caring and nurturing she was providing - a warm comfortable 1000 thread count towel, a sushi water dish and organic arugula to snack on. Because everyone knows that possums like arugula but only if it's organic. Pesticides are a concern to them.  If you listen closely you can hear her tell him that everything will be ok.  He seemed much comforted by that.
  • She was a little concerned about some of his symptoms which is why you should always go straight to WebMD.  Note: there is no WebMD for possums but strongly feel that they are much the same as people.  After careful diagnosis, she determined that the shaking was caused by Parkinsons although later revised to shock and after an evaluation, she found that he was autistic.
  • She provided a social environment and chance to meet new friends when she took him on an outing to the nextdoor neighbors doggie birthday party.  In a shoebox.
  • She almost talked him off the ledge.  Although I don't really condone the tone of voice she used and her method was somewhat unorthodox.  She should have told him what he had to live for.
  • The daring escape by the possum off her two story balcony captured shakily on camera as she followed its progress to almost certain death. But without actually jumping off to save it. What was not included was the relaxing glass of wine to settle her nerves - it's possible the possum had a sip or two for liquid courage before making a break for it...if you listen closely, you can hear her expression of concern.
  • The scuttling around in the bushes as it tried to walk off what was likely two broken legs**
If you look closely, you can see him smiling his thanks for the arugula and a promise to back and visit in the Winter.

The whole debacle was worthy of a Humanitarian Award for Sort-of Life-Saving Efforts of a Possum. Which comes with a shiny medal and a bottle of wine. Probably need the medal back*** but keep the wine.

For those wondering where the possum is now, he was last seen by her neighbor, legging it down the street.  No joke, this neighbor has close ties to both a possum rescue group and a possum taxidermist.  As of today's date, it's uncertain who got there first...
 Video/Photo Credit goes to Schmelissa Schmeale**** 

 *Most of that was a lie.  Except for the baby possum part but it didn't sound as interesting without Africa...
**Possibly four but am not familiar with American possums and how they land when trying to commit suicide off a balcony.  Also are the front two leg things, arms?  Or are they all legs?  Going to stick with legs since have seen very few possums walking upright.
***It's my half-marathon one but doubles for a lot of other things.  Is also a good way for me to get in the fact that I did a half marathon...
****Not her real name.  If you would like to hire her as videographer please contact me.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Awkward Snot.

Have you ever had a professional meeting with someone who is sniffling a bit, playing around with their nose? They give a quick swipe with their hand and end up with a large piece of snot now streaked across their upper lip and partially stuck in their mustache*?

I had one of those meetings last Tuesday. I was in fear that (a) he wouldn't notice and it would just sit there for the duration of the meeting and/or (b) he would realize and try and surreptiously remove it knowing that we both knew and both pretending that everything was cool.

My worst case scenario - both of these things happened. So now I have no idea what was said in the first half of the meeting as I was so focused on not looking at the booger or accidentally referring to it in a sentence "It's s'not that we don't want to do the deal...it's just that you're not seeing the booger picture..."

Then he gave it another wipe and it dawned on him as I tried to pretend I hadn't noticed and was looking at my computer screen. The downside of that is I'm not sure where he put it so I spent the remainder of the meeting, trying to see if it was somewhere on the chair, in his hand or possibly packed away in his briefcase to eat or dispose of later.

It wasn't a very effective meeting, I hope I didn't agree to anything.

*Not a full-blown mustache, one of those trendy stubbly/shadowy looks. For the record, they are equally as effective at capturing snot.