Friday, April 18, 2014

Drinks On A School Night

You know when you go out to celebrate a friend's birthday on a school night and you're (a) going to be the responsible one and not get completely legless and (b) just have a couple because it's not your birthday and (c) go home and write tomorrow's blog post. Well, that didn't happen. 

So, umm. How good is this post?  Bro's before hoes, sisters before misters, friends before nothing that rhymes with blog posts.  You get the point.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

A Day At The Beach

On Tuesday I played hooky* and went to the beach - Huntington Beach. It has some of the best surf** in SoCal and it was packed. I didn't want to get in the way so I stayed on shore. No point showing off my skills. Just makes people feel bad.
Surfers - looking an awful lot like shark fins.

So I wandered around the shops, had a beer, a burrito, made friends with the guy making flax roses and then got myself a nice red tan sitting on the beach. That tan will fade to brown in a week, shame about the shape of my necklace burnt into my skin. Still, no need for necklaces for the next couple of weeks.
This is the rose that the guy on the pier made me. He was in the army for 15 years. It was free but I gave him a pretty big tip because I'm pretty sure he can kill me 5 different ways with this rose.

Pretty nice place, this Huntington beach. A little busy and why are there so many teenage kids hanging out? If the truancy officers got bonuses for turning kids in, they'd have a field day there at the beach. Thought about faking being a truancy officer and getting the kids to pay me bribes but then my sense of right and wrong kicked in. It would be wrong to waste all my energy walking around so I sat back down.

Anyway, I've decided to build a shack under the pier, make wind chimes out of old cutlery*** and retire there. Tomorrow.

*And by hooky I mean, I scheduled a day off 3 weeks in advance. I'm very responsible but "hooky" makes me sound devil-may-care which is a new image I am working on cultivating. I have a spreadsheet listing out all the steps. So far I think I'm still coming off a little "devil-do-care" but that's because I haven't reached step 4 yet.
**I know this because there is a sign. Not because I was in the surf. 10cm waves are a little high to be going out in, methinks. Also I have started saying "methinks" to everything. Doesn't always work but methinks me sounds cool. And a bit Victorian.
***Don't want to encroach on Army guy's territory. He could easily kill me with one of my cutlery mobiles if I stole his clientele. Actually rethinking mobiles with sharp, pointy things in general. Doesn't really matter, just has to look handmade (check) and be useless (check).

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Things I Wanted For My Birthday But Didn't Get

  1. A new eye for Albert
  2. A cat with two eyes
  3. A silencer for the hole in my exhaust manifold. This is code for a new car
  4. A clean house. This is code for a housekeeper
  5. Cake. I mean, really. Have I not dropped enough hints about cake? I'm going to have to dumb it down a little. "Hey - get cake. Give it to me"
  6. A Minion. Yes, I know they're not real but if people can ask me if I've seen a Hobbit then I can have a Minion. The one with one eye, please.
  7. A good attitude
  8. A tiara. For wearing around the house
  9. A winning lottery ticket. Am going to have to return the ones I had as they were broken. Need my money back.
  10. A party dress. And by party dress I mean 7.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014


Sunday was my birthday so obviously I'm taking today off.

I added up all the requests for blog posts about my birthday on my calculator and got 1. Also it was a pretty insignificant day so would be a short post. Needless to say, I am now a year younger.

Monday, April 14, 2014


You know that moment when you post on Facebook that you'll be in a certain city on a certain date and ask "who is around" and someone responds and you say "who else"? That happened to me. It was awkward.

*How great is this word? I'm on a campaign to get it included in the next Dictionary review.  Everyone use it once today.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Work Transportation

This is how we get around the lot at work. In golf carts. It's pretty cool. We're pretty cool. I'm not allowed to drive...

Sometimes they let me sit in it and pretend.  I make vroom vroom noises.  I'm not allowed to do that anymore either.
If you lean forward you go faster.  Except if you're not moving.
Make sure you look carefully when you reverse.  Also try and look super casual like me.  Not everyone can pull off a helmet in a golf cart...

Sometimes I take a nap.  But then security finds me.  Don't take your helmet off to nap, imagine if the cart started rolling backwards.  Injuries could be horrific.
Sometimes I ride in the back.  It makes people think I'm more important.  It's like being in a limo.  Without a driver.  And without moving.  But other than, exactly the same.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

My Animal Encounters Over The Years And Around The World

I like to think I am an animal whisperer. Although last night I yelled at Albert for looking at me wrong. Which wasn't really fair. There's probably only one way of looking when you just have the one eye.

I've done a fair bit of traveling over the years and recently going through my photos I noticed how much interaction I've had with animals. And how much I have not as you'll see below.

I don't know this chicks story. We shared a sprite and then both moved on with our lives. He wasn't much for talking.  Also I don't understand Thai.

I don't know this pig's story but I think it ended badly. Suspect is not there of his own free will. Probably would have preferred to ride on the handlebars.
Log cabin bear. Rescued him. Originally he was on his back with a glass table top resting on his paws. I liberated a bear. That's right, PETA.
Go to Alaska they said. You won't be able to move for all the wildlife. Looks like I have plenty of room. That dot in the middle was allegedly a moose. On inspection it turned out to be more of a log moose. Luckily we timed our Alaska trip when all the beluga whales were out in force. Right up until I came over. Then they made a pact and headed for the bottom of the ocean, laughing hysterically at me snapping shots of empty water.
Diving in Greece. Look at all the sea animals I am not surrounded by. There is a world wide pact with all water creatures to avoid me. Except for jellyfish, sea lice and freshwater crayfish (or Koura in NZ). If it can sting or bite, it will find me. Go all the way to Greece they said. Learn how to dive they said. Look at all the nothing you will see.
Monkeys in India. This is a gang. When you try and pass, they will cut you. You can't see their knives. They're in their pockets. The little ones will just hiss at you. They're too busy getting tattoos to chase you.
Monkey at Taj Mahal. Talk about monkey on your back. This one has a huge chip on his shoulder. He didn't even take the time to get to know me before deciding I was worthless. Hence the arse in the air..
Yep - on a camel. The one I've previously posted about - Raju. He's right up there with angry monkeys. How's my riding style though? As long as he doesn't move. Three days galloping(ish) through a desert in India..well, lets just say there was chafing.
This thing landed near my friend - just fell out of the Cambodian sky. Was almost the size of his hand.  Waitress laughed hysterically at our fright. It bit her and drew blood. We laughed hysterically at her pain.
Iguana in Thailand. Yes, he was alive. When he breathed, I almost dropped him. Then we went to happy hour.
Thai cockroaches - quite hard to tell from American or New Zealand cockroaches as they don't have much of an accent. Let that be a lesson to you, cockroaches. You will not wander through my packet of peanuts without consequences. Actually you will since I ran screaming from the room and left my boyfriend to dose them with a can of fly spray.
Pronounced Hairy Coo in Scotland. Way up north we had a face-off with this cow type bull thing. By mutual agreement we reversed. Well, he stayed where he was...
Snake skin. Turns out I do not know how to cure snake skins and make them into shoes. After two days it will stink and rot. Yes, I know you all hate me but in rural China, it was the equivalent of a chicken.
Snake blood wine. Snake tastes like nothing and the most disappointing part about this was they handed me the snake to hold onto and while I was holding him, cut off his head with a pair of scissors. That's why there are no photos of me and actual live snake. I got the aftermath.
Mmm, bag of scorpions to go, thanks. China, you have the best snacks. So easy to travel with.
Elephant Island - New Delhi, India. I know what you're thinking. Dangerous incident with elephant where I was either nearly trampled to death or picked up in it's trunk so it could do trunk curls. Before eating me. Makes a good story but no. Monkeys...lots of monkeys attacking you. Which is why there is no photo...