Monday, April 21, 2014

Things That Happen When You're Away for Work For A Week

  1. Blog posts don't get written
  2. Cats have to look after themselves. And throw wild parties.
  3. TV doesn't get watched
  4. House doesn't get cleaned - not actually a bad thing and also since I'm not there, it should stay cleaner for longer. Technically. Unless you have an Albert.
  5. Exercise. Although I like to imagine I will work out. I imaginary sweat a lot.
Back in a week. Trust me, this hurts me more than it hurts you. I'm going to be working a lot harder than I normally like to.  Not to mention, meeting and being nice to people.  Yuck.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Drinks On A School Night

You know when you go out to celebrate a friend's birthday on a school night and you're (a) going to be the responsible one and not get completely legless and (b) just have a couple because it's not your birthday and (c) go home and write tomorrow's blog post. Well, that didn't happen. 

So, umm. How good is this post?  Bro's before hoes, sisters before misters, friends before nothing that rhymes with blog posts.  You get the point.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

A Day At The Beach

On Tuesday I played hooky* and went to the beach - Huntington Beach. It has some of the best surf** in SoCal and it was packed. I didn't want to get in the way so I stayed on shore. No point showing off my skills. Just makes people feel bad.
Surfers - looking an awful lot like shark fins.

So I wandered around the shops, had a beer, a burrito, made friends with the guy making flax roses and then got myself a nice red tan sitting on the beach. That tan will fade to brown in a week, shame about the shape of my necklace burnt into my skin. Still, no need for necklaces for the next couple of weeks.
This is the rose that the guy on the pier made me. He was in the army for 15 years. It was free but I gave him a pretty big tip because I'm pretty sure he can kill me 5 different ways with this rose.

Pretty nice place, this Huntington beach. A little busy and why are there so many teenage kids hanging out? If the truancy officers got bonuses for turning kids in, they'd have a field day there at the beach. Thought about faking being a truancy officer and getting the kids to pay me bribes but then my sense of right and wrong kicked in. It would be wrong to waste all my energy walking around so I sat back down.

Anyway, I've decided to build a shack under the pier, make wind chimes out of old cutlery*** and retire there. Tomorrow.

*And by hooky I mean, I scheduled a day off 3 weeks in advance. I'm very responsible but "hooky" makes me sound devil-may-care which is a new image I am working on cultivating. I have a spreadsheet listing out all the steps. So far I think I'm still coming off a little "devil-do-care" but that's because I haven't reached step 4 yet.
**I know this because there is a sign. Not because I was in the surf. 10cm waves are a little high to be going out in, methinks. Also I have started saying "methinks" to everything. Doesn't always work but methinks me sounds cool. And a bit Victorian.
***Don't want to encroach on Army guy's territory. He could easily kill me with one of my cutlery mobiles if I stole his clientele. Actually rethinking mobiles with sharp, pointy things in general. Doesn't really matter, just has to look handmade (check) and be useless (check).

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Things I Wanted For My Birthday But Didn't Get

  1. A new eye for Albert
  2. A cat with two eyes
  3. A silencer for the hole in my exhaust manifold. This is code for a new car
  4. A clean house. This is code for a housekeeper
  5. Cake. I mean, really. Have I not dropped enough hints about cake? I'm going to have to dumb it down a little. "Hey - get cake. Give it to me"
  6. A Minion. Yes, I know they're not real but if people can ask me if I've seen a Hobbit then I can have a Minion. The one with one eye, please.
  7. A good attitude
  8. A tiara. For wearing around the house
  9. A winning lottery ticket. Am going to have to return the ones I had as they were broken. Need my money back.
  10. A party dress. And by party dress I mean 7.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014


Sunday was my birthday so obviously I'm taking today off.

I added up all the requests for blog posts about my birthday on my calculator and got 1. Also it was a pretty insignificant day so would be a short post. Needless to say, I am now a year younger.

Monday, April 14, 2014


You know that moment when you post on Facebook that you'll be in a certain city on a certain date and ask "who is around" and someone responds and you say "who else"? That happened to me. It was awkward.

*How great is this word? I'm on a campaign to get it included in the next Dictionary review.  Everyone use it once today.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Work Transportation

This is how we get around the lot at work. In golf carts. It's pretty cool. We're pretty cool. I'm not allowed to drive...

Sometimes they let me sit in it and pretend.  I make vroom vroom noises.  I'm not allowed to do that anymore either.
If you lean forward you go faster.  Except if you're not moving.
Make sure you look carefully when you reverse.  Also try and look super casual like me.  Not everyone can pull off a helmet in a golf cart...

Sometimes I take a nap.  But then security finds me.  Don't take your helmet off to nap, imagine if the cart started rolling backwards.  Injuries could be horrific.
Sometimes I ride in the back.  It makes people think I'm more important.  It's like being in a limo.  Without a driver.  And without moving.  But other than, exactly the same.