Issues I Have With Exercise

1. My face. It does not do exercise well. Gets fiery red and as soon as I stop moving, the sweat pours out. Very unattractive. Reminds me of when I cry - I had a friend in high school who looked stunning after tears. Her eyes glistened and she glowed. My nose gets bigger and redder, any makeup immediately leaves my face. Inconsistently. Eyes get blotchy and I snivel. In short, as long as I am sitting completely still, doing nothing, I am a lot more attractive.
2. It is very tiring.
3. You are supposed to feel rewarded with the euphoria of endorphins racing through your system. Not chocolate.
4. Spinning. I understand that when on a road or racing bike, you want it to be as light as possible so everything, including the seat is minimal and weightless. Did you know that in a Spinning class, that bike is not going anywhere? You can ride as fast as you like, it will not move. Unless there is an unfortunate incident involving balance. If you are my friend, spinning next to me and you have one of these incidents, I will ride off into the sunset. That is to say, I will continue pedaling and pretend not to know you. Anyway, the point is, the bike doesn't need to be lightweight so for goodness sake, make the seat bigger. And pad it. Put a damn couch on there.
5. When I tell someone what I did for a workout, they compare it to theirs and I realize mine was a bit feeble and then I have to lie. Exercise makes me a liar. Which means exercise is bad.
6. It doesn't undo the damage of cake. Which I was promised. By exercise. The liar.
7. When you stop exercising for a while, your muscles will becoming flabby within 48 hours. It will take 48 days of obsessively working out to get them back*. Cake doesn't do this to you. If you stop eating it for a while and then eat it again, you will experience the euphoria of endorphins racing through your system.
8. You are supposed to do it and if you don't, exercise will make you feel guilty. Which was supposed to be one of the 7 deadly sins but someone lost count. Exercise = guilt = sin. Ergo, exercise is bad and you will go to hell if you do it. I need to stop immediately.
9. It looks bad if you walk into the class eating a doughnut. Which is very unfair to doughnuts. Who never hurt anyone.
10. Apparently if you still look cute at the end of your workout, you didn't try hard enough. I am not sure what it says if you didn't look cute at the start. Probably that you are forced to wear tight, form-fitting clothing so as not to get stuck in the Pilates reformer and your body is unhappy at the thought. Because it prefers a nice caftan.
11. The Pilates carriage on the reformer is out to get you.  Just keep one leg on the bar and slowly push the carriage out, the instructor says.  And then slowly bring it back in.  Back in?  This thing isn't going back in, it's going further and further out and my legs will never see each other again. 

*Science. By me.

Tips For Losing Weight*

Diet To-Do List

1. Create a To-Do Diet List.
2. Check off first item**
3. Set goal of losing 30lbs by January 1. Only have 40 to go.
4. Focus: Lie on the couch concentrating really hard about losing weight and eating cake. I think this will work
5. Set realistic goals: On the one hand, I need to lose weight. On the other hand, doughnut
6. Come up with weight loss plan: I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to exercise everyday. I'm going to go on a diet and stick to it...oh is that cake?
7. Clean out cupboards of all naughty food - throw in trash***
8. Cheat on boyfriend - not food****.
9. Attend social occasions and focus on people not snacks*****.
10. Borrow someone else's Weight Watchers points when a big event comes up
11. Hope for food poisoning - that's 5lbs right there
12. Take it slow - remember you didn't put the weight on in a day. On the other hand, how much have I lost since this morning?
13. Make small changes to see results e.g. eat a cupcake without sprinkles. Have a waffle without syrup. Unless you're having a cupcake and waffle for dessert - then it's fine.
14. Remember, no one is judging you on your weight because you're a good person******.
15. You are what you eat. Today I am a lentil.

*Not actual tips - if I had any that worked, I would be a lot thinner. This would be a lot more useful and we would all be miserable together.
**Congratulate self on completing two items on list. Reward self with nap. And small snack. Of 12 cupcakes 
***Retrieve from trash - no point in good food going to waste.  Start tomorrow.  Again.
****Don't have boyfriend - food it is. 
*****Those people look delicious. 
******All lies