A Christmas Offering

Many* of you may recall when I took up graphic design and offered my services in an earlier post, accompanied by my portfolio of expert and artistic design. I am once again offering my services for the creation of your family Christmas card. As it is the season of giving, I will be only be charging a nominal sum of $1,403 per card ($3 of which will be going to charity so think about that before you say no). Below are some shots I have already taken of myself and Albert - we didn't have the luxury of props so I have had to skillfully draw them on each photo. Look carefully and you might be able to pick them out although they are hard to distinguish from the real thing.

Sometimes it's hard to get everyone to smile and look at the camera at the same time but luckily, I'm able to craft a natural expression on their faces so no one will ever realize that they were being a sour puss. I also find that a nice red lip brings every portrait alive and gives it a festive look.

Sometimes children forget about elegance and inadvertently show their undies. I just slap a big "censored" sign on - problem solved.

If you have someone that's a bit ugly and ruining your Xmas photo, put a tree in front of them.

This is a real tree. I hate those fake ones.  Also, when I said if there was someone a bit ugly in your family, I was obviously not referring to myself, this is an example only.

A nice festive banner can bring your photo to life and you can even have it made into a postcard. Make sure that everyone looks festive. This is a poor example as one of us refused to smile.

Posing with much reluctance, thankfully Albert was happy to be there.

A santa hat covers up a bad hair day, makes you look festive and like a Victoria's Secret model. See.

One of us doesn't want to be here. One of us is bleeding a little bit in a lovely festive red color.

If you don't have any Xmas balls, make sure you have a cat with one glowing eye. Very Christmassy. Don't try and stick him on top of the tree though. That will end badly for one of you. Also the tree.

Also, try adding a hula skirt.  Hula says Xmas.

*Well one of you might. Come on? Anyone?

Retouching of Photos

Retouching of photos is a big deal these days - there's a lot of controversy over magazines doing unnecessary editing that serves to make the rest of us feel like we will never attain these standards of perfection. Retouching is done for a variety of reasons - in the fashion world, it's to make models look thinner, have more perfect skin, hair and legs that go on for miles. In other industries, it's to create a certain look that simply wasn't available to be captured at the time or to add a prop that enhances the message they're trying to get across. Below are some examples of where it all went terribly wrong:

When thumbs just want to do their own thing...

When the top part of your leg is optional...

When you won't let go of that special someone...

I love all of Adam Levine and I respectfully ask that you give him back his right side.

Auditioned for Exorcist. Didn't get it...

Now we all feel a little better about ourselves. Oops, I did it again - said something mean...

Hi - can someone help me? My hand fell off at the wrist...

You're probably wondering why I felt the need to write about such a lighthearted topic given the usual seriousness and complexity of my regular posts, particularly in light of the Government shutdown today. Which I would have written about if I knew what it was about. Buy, Buy, Sell, Sell! Yes?

So, the reason for all this is a cunning self-promotion gambit, in addition to all the money coming in from the blog, I've decided to offer another service - Photo Retouching. Feel free to send in your photos if you need some assistance. I think at $1087/photo, you'll find my rates reasonable, especially when you see the quality of the work in my portfolio samples below.

In this photo, I've accentuated the blue of my eyes and made the lips a little pinker to add some color to the photo - they're subtle differences but they enhance the overall quality of the snapshot for a more natural look.

To showcase the nature aspect of this photo, the toenails were touched up to tone down the blue and replace them with a color that blends better with the butterfly. It really puts the focus back on the insect so that everything else becomes more muted. You can hardly see that there are people in the pool..

In this holiday picture, it's clear that I didn't get there in a car - although on occasion, I wear a helmet in a car. Safety first. The photographer obviously wasn't able to fit the bike in the photo so I took the liberty of cleverly sketching an exact replica to provide some context for anyone looking at it and wondering what is going on.

I took the opportunity in this photo to give myself a trimmer figure by shaving off my sides and blending the colors for a near impossible image of perfection. I also added a belt and some modesty.

Call me.