When Parties Get Out of Hand...That's University For You...

Dear Fire Department,

Sorry about all of this. It was an accident. Well, not so much an accident as some unclearly thought out actions and behaviors that seemed like a good idea at the time. It started off with one room mate dragging the couch out on to the deck so he could have a few beers in the sun on a Saturday afternoon. As I'm sure you can understand, beers and sun make you tired so it makes sense that he wouldn't want to get up and use the bathroom. Why wouldn't you just sit on a plastic shopping bag in the hopes that it would absorb whatever you released? And then why wouldn't you want to refine a design flaw, upon finding yourself sitting in your own pee, by attaching an external catheter*? Those catheters can fill up pretty quick when you're just drinking beer and the release valve is quite close to your leg so you probably want to refine it even further by removing the long hose from the dryer and releasing the valve into the hose so that it can drip off the deck. Probably want to patent the design at this point.

Let's face it, at this point, everything is starting to seem like a great idea - I'm sure you can understand that. And with great ideas, comes great crowds of friends all wanting to see the design and to hold your room mate to his promise of not leaving the couch until the beer runs out. Happened sooner than you would think. So with that out of the way, he got on with some weekend chores like mowing the lawns. I mean what good is a lawn mowing business if you can't take care of your own flat on the weekends. Just get that lawn mower up on the roof and turn it on. Not a lot of grass up there but seemed worth a look. After a while, who wouldn't want to get down? I fully condoned his idea of diving off to try and hit the wooden bed that someone had dragged out on to the concrete**. And then off we went to the hospital! But not without some on the spot triage from yours truly. Duct tape has many uses and it will stop bleeding from the chin almost immediately when you wrap it around chin and head. Also, you won't be able to see the wound if you go around enough times so who really knows if the bleeding is stopped. Not your problem at that stage.

It can be quite difficult to fill out paperwork when you're intoxicated and injured from a gutter cleaning accident.  Well, NZ's Accident Compensation Corporation does require you to provide the circumstances surrounding your injury and your occupation and if you've just said that your occupation is that of a gutter cleaner, stands to reason that your injuries would result from cleaning gutters.

It's possible that you might not have even paid us a visit if we had just gone home and sent our room mate to bed to rest up.  Unfortunately that just didn't happen.  On our return, the party was in full swing, apparently we hadn't been missed at all which is a little disconcerting since it was our house.

It's possible that in an attempt to draw attention to ourselves, we might have started a small, insignificant fire on the concrete.  I don't recall if it was for a BBQ but that seems logical.  At some point things got a little out of hand and a lot of stuff was thrown on the fire.  A lot of our stuff since people weren't really donating their things.  Just ours.  Including our microwave.  Have you ever seen a microwave burn?  What am I talking about, you're the Fire Department, you've seen everything burn.

To be honest, before you showed up and showed us the error of our ways, I thought that riding a bike through the flames and then on down the street with flaming tires was genius.  It looked like a circus act although I noticed none of you thought it was very clever.  Which is a shame because people were lining up to ride through the flames, down the driveway and then off into the neighborhood.  

Speaking of neighborhood, I suspect one of them called you because we didn't have any interest in dampening down the flames at that point.  BTW, thanks for dampening down the flames, it was probably time.  Beer can make that difficult to recognize.


Kind regards,


One of the party attendees***.

*The origin of this is uncertain but seems like something that would be lying around a student flat, even if no one was studying Nursing.
**In hindsight, removing the mattress was a poor decision although I don't think it would have helped since he bounced off the bed and hit the concrete anyway.
***Call me...

My Party Weekend

This past weekend, I went to two parties. Mostly because I was sandwiched between the two and wouldn't have been able to sleep anyway. Also, I think they forgot to invite me so I didn't want to embarass them by not showing up...

The neighbor in the building next to me was celebrating her birthday in the driveway/parking spot at the back and the neighbor on the other side, in my building, was also celebrating a birthday.

So, on my left, I have the all-American producer/director type party with a complete stereo system, fancy beer and a taco man.  On my right, I have a Middle-Eastern themed party with (mostly gay) Australian actors, complete with rugs and cushions for lounging on the concrete.

At one point there was talk of tearing down the Berlin Wall between us and combining but then we realized (a) the wall was made of heavy duty concrete blocks and only one person was stupid enough to try that.  Multiple times. Too much fancy beer, I think (b) it was not a landlord-approved renovation (c) one side of the party were a bunch of tossers and we didn't want to fraternize with them anyway. Sorry, Australia - America wins the bunch of tossers award.  Even with points for having a taco man*.  

I'm just gonna go ahead and say it - I love my Australian neighbors. I know I'm supposed to hate them but they are always so welcoming despite the fact that I am much younger and better looking than them**. I try to be their parent figure (even though they have expressed no desire for this but obviously as the parent figure - I have experience with Albert - I know best) but having no sense of responsibility probably doesn't help.  Although I did raise a questioning eyebrow when they lit the Tiki torches out at the front of the driveway.  Having raised said eyebrow, my job was done and I agreed that a fire was only 50% likely which was excellent odds.  Also my apartment is on the other side.

I tried to make conversation with some of the Americans - when I asked one guy what he did, he told me he was "in the Biz"***.  Not entirely sure what "the Biz" is and when I pressed him on it, he wasn't really able to explain and just said "you know - same as everyone here".  Since I didn't know anyone, that didn't help but I guess he wasn't used to people not accepting stupid blanket statements.  Then he informed me that "Well, actually I'm just about to start at this company that is notoriously hard to get into. I'll be working "in production" so it's kind of a big deal."  Since I was still being polite at that stage****, I asked where and he smirked and announced with way more pomp and ceremony than was warranted - "NBCUniversal."  I tried to look suitably impressed which didn't happen. So to save the situation, I announced with a lot more pomp and ceremony than was necessary, that I already work there and they basically hired me off the street. Might have stretched it a little when I mentioned that I was kind of a big deal*****. So he left.  

And then I left.  And I took the taco man.


*When I win the lottery, I'm going to have a hairdresser, make-up person and taco man on standby. At all times.
**And by younger and better looking, I mean, I am lying.  And old.  And a bit past my best...
***Bit wanky.
****I was only on Cider Number 1. Of 2.
*****Think at that point he realized I had out-wankered him.

Things I Wanted For My Birthday But Didn't Get

1. A new eye for Albert
2. A cat with two eyes
3. A silencer for the hole in my exhaust manifold. This is code for a new car
4. A clean house. This is code for a housekeeper
5. Cake. I mean, really. Have I not dropped enough hints about cake? I'm going to have to dumb it down a little. "Hey - get cake. Give it to me"
6. A Minion. Yes, I know they're not real but if people can ask me if I've seen a Hobbit then I can have a Minion. The one with one eye, please.
7. A good attitude
8. A tiara. For wearing around the house
9. A winning lottery ticket. Am going to have to return the ones I had as they were broken. Need my money back.
10. A party dress. And by party dress I mean 7.