Offences That Have Been Committed Against Me since 2013

• So, this morning when I went out to my car - this was on it.

Now, granted, it was parked between an Audi and a BMW but still...it's only ten years old and with a bit of tender loving care*, it could look ok.  Just needs a wash, a hole in the exhaust fixed and the bumper repainted (I might stretch to the wash...).  But, I really think the problem and the reason they left this was the car mats.  They need to be replaced.

• Last night, I was making dinner and Albert sneaked up behind me and sat down.  Like right behind me.  And then I accidentally stepped on him.  And he squawked.  And made me feel bad.  This was wrong of him.
• AT&T Technical Support made me lose my temper countless times and last night (after stepping on my cat), I threatened to leave them. They seem to be okay with this.  I'm going to need a Plan B. In the meantime, I have filed a grievance against them and issued a summons which I have placed on my cable box.  That'll learn them.
• I exercised and a pilates spring pinged me. And it hurt.  And that's why people quit pilates.  And exercise.
• I left instructions for my house cleaner to put away my bowl of Xmas decorations.  And she didn't.  Also, I don't have a house cleaner
• This guy asked for my number last week and he hasn't called me. I have unfriended him from my mind and he is banned.  Also, I don't remember what his name is so I am calling him "dumb security guy".  If I was calling him. Which I am not because I'm not talking to him.
• There will probably be more but it's early days.  2014 has not started well.

*I gave it a "pat pat" and words of encouragement and it's a whole new car. Well, not whole.  And not new.  But a much more positive outlook.

My Naughty and Nice Lists*

Naughty List - if you are on this, you will probably get a sharp stick in the eye. And not from me. From karma. 

1. Parking Nazi person**
2. The dog that attacked Albert
3. The hammer that landed on my foot
4. North Korea
5. Certain nameless people that do not sign contracts when they are supposed to, even though the contract is for them and I have gone out of my way to make sure they are legally covered. You know who you are. Fired.
6. The age 40. Not "a 40", that's perfectly acceptable, especially when drunk out of a paper bag.
7. The last 20lbs.  
8. Blinds***
9. Unicorns - everyone else thinks you're so great but quite frankly, until I see you in person, I prefer Pegasus.
10. Albert.  I'm going to need you to start cleaning up after yourself.  And maybe you could think about getting a job?
11. Running
12. The Sons of Anarchy. I mean I think they're trying but still a lot of killing going on.
13. Karma.  For poking me in the eye with a sharp stick.
14. Wooden floors. Next year, I am not mopping you at all****.  
15. The dogs that live upstairs.  Hi - are you wearing high heels? 
16. Landlords that sell my house.
17. AT&T - I hate that I am paying you for an internet connection that works on a whim.  I would replace you with Time Warner but I just replaced them with you.  Only one of us is happy about that.
18. The orchid that a friend bought for me. It died on purpose.
19. My neighbor who must always do the following (a) watch TV with all windows open, regardless of the temperature (b) watch TV with all the windows open, regardless of the temperature and the sound turned up as high as it can go (c) watch TV with all the windows open, regardless of the temperature and the sound turned up as high as it can go and always playing the Bourne Ultimatum which I now know word for word even with all my windows closed (d) when not watching TV with all the windows open, regardless of the temperature and the sound turned up as high as it can go and always playing the Bourne Ultimatum which I now know word for word even with all my windows closed, playing video games so all I hear is "bang, bang, bang, RELOAD!"
20. The smoke alarm in my hallway. It's always on duty. Especially when nothing is happening.
21. The California Lottery Commission. We had a deal.

Nice List - just because you're on this list it doesn't mean you're getting a gift. It just means you've been very good and I am rewarding you with the gift of my friendship. Or in the case of number 2, I am just going to eat you.

1. Me. Duh. If you would like to contest this.  Don't.  You'll get moved straight up to the list above for 2 years unless you complete the exemption paperwork. In which case I will review at a special hearing but it doesn't look good for you.
2. Cake
3. My fan. Mum.
4. Puppies and or kittens.
5. Albert. Even if you don't vacuum, that was a delicious cup of tea you brought me*****
6. Schmistine - although I suspect she is the reason that Santa has a naughty list.
7. Harry the crossing guard at work. He always compliments me on my outfit except for that one time when he said I looked like a Swedish Pumpkin.  Granted it was Halloween, I am blonde and I was wearing an orange shirt.  I would have preferred Swedish leek. More willowy.
8.  My imaginary boyfriend. He's lovely. He thinks I'm amazing. I tend to agree.
9. California Lottery Commission - lets do this.
10. Vacation - we should do this more often.
11. My nieces.  2 of my favorite people in the world.  They're always on this list even when they're naughty because that's just for their parents and I don't have to deal with it.
12. Pretty dresses - I reward myself with one of these every time I'm nice.  I now have two.
13. That's it. I think the fact that the naughty list is longer is very indicative of the world we live in today. It's a shame.

*I think they use Santa's list for determining who gets into heaven and hell. Seems like it would be a time saving.
**See previous post where I was unjustly ticketed. But don't worry, I think I mortally wounded his soul when I shouted "...and your uniform doesn't even look very good on you. Your pants are too short, your shirt too tight and it needs tailoring. So there!"
***Again see previous post. Blinds will drive you to drink
****Don't come and visit me.  My floors are dirty
*****Pumping him up, he was a little down after he read the naughty list. He can't actually make tea.