Things That Are Like Crack Cocaine

• Dates*. Dates are delicious. I never knew. I've wasted half my life not knowing about dates. I blame my parents for my lack of date education. Dates from the freezer are like crack cocaine**. If I knew what crack cocaine was like. It sounds very different to dates. Also I think dates are hard to inject. Because of the pits. 

*Just so we're clear about what kind of dates we're talking about. 

*Not this kind of date.  This is not delicious, although it does appear to be going quite well.  Hopefully it's not a first date - you shouldn't hold hands on a first date, he will think you are a whore...This looks nothing like my first dates.  Very little hand holding and cups of tea.  However, if you were to bring me some dates, I might hold your hand.

• Cake. Obviously
• Instant Noodles. It's one of life's great disappointments to me to find out how bad these things are for you.
• I'm trying to think of things that are not food. It's not easy but I got one. 80's rock music. Who's with me?
• Marshmallow Creme - sorry back to food. I think you're supposed to buy this for baking things, but I've never managed to get it from the jar to the mixing bowl. It always accidentally falls in my mouth.
• The ocean. And not just because of cold beers and tacos waiting for me when I get out. I'm going to retire into the ocean.
• Exercise***
• Car Washes - I love riding through them, I love that I don't have to do it and I love how my car looks afterwards. I would love it even more if my car looked like a BMW but there are limits.
• Shopping. For shoes. And purses. But that's all. Except for clothes. And accessories. Nothing else though. Maybe a little bit of cars.

**I don't know how one orders crack cocaine - I don't even know what it looks like or what you then do with it once you've bought it.  I am useless.
***Not really.  Although one time I got a runner's high out jogging but I also had a cupcake just prior so it's open for debate as to what really caused it.

Offences That Have Been Committed Against Me since 2013

• So, this morning when I went out to my car - this was on it.

Now, granted, it was parked between an Audi and a BMW but still...it's only ten years old and with a bit of tender loving care*, it could look ok.  Just needs a wash, a hole in the exhaust fixed and the bumper repainted (I might stretch to the wash...).  But, I really think the problem and the reason they left this was the car mats.  They need to be replaced.

• Last night, I was making dinner and Albert sneaked up behind me and sat down.  Like right behind me.  And then I accidentally stepped on him.  And he squawked.  And made me feel bad.  This was wrong of him.
• AT&T Technical Support made me lose my temper countless times and last night (after stepping on my cat), I threatened to leave them. They seem to be okay with this.  I'm going to need a Plan B. In the meantime, I have filed a grievance against them and issued a summons which I have placed on my cable box.  That'll learn them.
• I exercised and a pilates spring pinged me. And it hurt.  And that's why people quit pilates.  And exercise.
• I left instructions for my house cleaner to put away my bowl of Xmas decorations.  And she didn't.  Also, I don't have a house cleaner
• This guy asked for my number last week and he hasn't called me. I have unfriended him from my mind and he is banned.  Also, I don't remember what his name is so I am calling him "dumb security guy".  If I was calling him. Which I am not because I'm not talking to him.
• There will probably be more but it's early days.  2014 has not started well.

*I gave it a "pat pat" and words of encouragement and it's a whole new car. Well, not whole.  And not new.  But a much more positive outlook.