Names I would Name the Children I Don't Have

I'm bound to offend someone with this. I thought about apologizing. And then I thought, no.

1. Twins - Beryl and Trevor
2. Albert Nigel. Because this is already proven to be a great name. Then I would have Albert Nigel the cat and Albert Nigel the imaginary child. Who could be boy or girl since I think the names are gender neutral. Albert is a lovely girls name. Bert for short.
3. Doctor. This will make my imaginary kid sound super smart. First day of school - "Doctor Finlayson?" "Here." Those other kids won't stand a chance.
4. Shifty Dodger (could either be hyphenated or a first and second name)
5. Dodgy Shifter (same as above)
6. Vegas - this will be the one time where what happened in Vegas is pretty frickin' obvious.
7. Cinderella - what little girl doesn't want to be named after a princess?  Only see this as an issue if it's a boy...
8. Cheese.  Cos I love cheese.  I also love peanut butter but that would be mean and my imaginary kid would probably get teased a lot.  By its imaginary friends.
9. I think I will have 9 imaginary children (surprisingly, it's not as hard as the real thing.  Apparently).  2-8 will just be chronological order e.g. 2nd, 3rd etc.  
10. 4Real.  Banned in New Zealand but I live in America!  Apparently the story behind this is that when the father found out that they were expecting, he cried out "4real!" in complete surprise.  Not "for real" like you might expect.  And there was no zed added on as in "4realz".  Which is a shame.  Other banned names included Anal, Christ, Messiah , Mr, *, Majesti (nice creative spelling there) and Juztice (also showing good use of the "Z").  

We're a fairly unique country but not alone - Sweden also banned Superman and Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116.  Which looks like what Albert typed in an email to his grandmother last night. When he lay down on the keyboard to do it...

Guest Post by Albert Nigel Finlayson

A day in the life of me. Albert. A cat.

3am: Day starts. Wake Mum up by howling outside her door. Will use ear piercing "help me, I'm in terrible pain/danger" scream to get her attention. Did not work - she has stone cold heart. Still don't know why I'm not allowed in to lie on white duvet. What's this round thing in the hallway? Will lie next to it on cold hard floor for a couple of hours until she wakes up.

3:02am: Still not awake. Meow softly in my outside voice.
3:06am: She's getting up. Yeah, lets get this day started!! Umm, that hit me*. False alarm. Turns out she is not ready to get up.
7:00am: Definitely getting up. Apparently not talking to me. Which is fine because I'm very tired after patrolling hallway all night and yowling at regular intervals. I need to lie down. Also, I put all your folded laundry from the table on the floor.
8:00am: She's leaving. So tired. Can hardly wave goodbye. Give her goodbye wink instead**

Not my best side

8:05am: What in the hell...?? Someone coughed two streets over, scared the crap out of me - going under couch.
8am - 4pm: Sleep under couch. Above couch is for when she is here and things are not so terrifying. Not that I'm scared, I just have business under here.
4pm: Get small snack. Attempt to take small snack over to water bowl. Fail.  Leave it all over floor. Not my job.  Clean self. Eat, clean, eat, clean. All very sanitary.
5pm: Wait with bated breath for her to get home.
5pm: Unable to hold breath any longer. Take short nap as excitement of her arrival has gotten too much

Roll to the left, roll to the left.  Dammit, went right

5:15pm: Rudely awakened by falling off couch. Warning: Don't get too comfortable, you will forget yourself and turn over and "over" will be empty space and you will not land on your feet as that is a myth started by dogs. Dirty dogs.
6pm: Hear key in lock - go behind couch just in case it's a ninja burglar with a key. No, it's her. Attach self directly behind Mum. Am allowed to go everywhere with her. Ok, not there. Or there either. Confined to couch which is now called "Everywhere".
6:30pm: She's sitting down to have her dinner, must mean she wants me to sit on lap next to plate of food. Not much room. Plate has to go. Push plate off. What the hell was that loud crash? Scared me. Thought about going under couch but am being brave. Will just check and see if I left anything there from last time. 
6:35pm: I would like a piece of that - thanks. Nope, didn't like it. Licked and left it over there. Bit soggy
6:48: Hi. 

7pm: Get up, stretch legs, do a lap around the house. Spontaneously shed in one spot. Think about going outside - jump up on kitchen counter, not sure why there are stools here when it's so much more awkward to go out the cat flap from the counter.
7:02pm: Bad idea. People out there. Do another lap of room - stare at things that aren't there and then jump in fright at nothing.
8:03pm: Got yelled at for being on the table. Responded with "you're not my real Mum!'
8:05pm: Made up

Is this comfortable for you too?

11pm - 2am: Patrol neighborhood. By looking out of tiny hole, under house. Got everything covered. Can leap to anyone's rescue immediately. But probably won't. Important not to interfere when there is a chance of getting hurt.
2:01am: Let me sing you a song called "there's no food in my damn bowl"

3am: Repeat

*Didn't really hit him, just lightly tapped him lovingly. With a shoe. He's being overly dramatic. No need to contact the SPCA.
**Lie - was not a wink, he just closed his eye and since the other one is missing, it's called going to sleep not winking.