And On To The Next...

Today I'm in Chicago. I'm told Chicagoans and Mid-Westerners are extremely friendly. I just smiled at someone and they did not smile back. Clearly this is a myth.

Luckily I am here for the Rugby and so is the rest of New Zealand.  They have to be friendly to me, I am one of them.  Yay, us.  Sorry, America, you're about to go down...

I Don't Want To Rain On Anyone's Parade But...

...while I commend all of America for doing the Ice Bucket Challenge, I would just like to say that all of New Zealand did it too. In Winter.

I feel like America missed the point - dumping icy water over your head in Summer is not really as challenging as jumping into a cold lake, ocean etc in the middle of Winter. Isn't the idea that there be some sort of hardship to it? Like all those Polar Bear Plunges??

 

Names I would Name the Children I Don't Have

I'm bound to offend someone with this. I thought about apologizing. And then I thought, no.

1. Twins - Beryl and Trevor
2. Albert Nigel. Because this is already proven to be a great name. Then I would have Albert Nigel the cat and Albert Nigel the imaginary child. Who could be boy or girl since I think the names are gender neutral. Albert is a lovely girls name. Bert for short.
3. Doctor. This will make my imaginary kid sound super smart. First day of school - "Doctor Finlayson?" "Here." Those other kids won't stand a chance.
4. Shifty Dodger (could either be hyphenated or a first and second name)
5. Dodgy Shifter (same as above)
6. Vegas - this will be the one time where what happened in Vegas is pretty frickin' obvious.
7. Cinderella - what little girl doesn't want to be named after a princess?  Only see this as an issue if it's a boy...
8. Cheese.  Cos I love cheese.  I also love peanut butter but that would be mean and my imaginary kid would probably get teased a lot.  By its imaginary friends.
9. I think I will have 9 imaginary children (surprisingly, it's not as hard as the real thing.  Apparently).  2-8 will just be chronological order e.g. 2nd, 3rd etc.  
10. 4Real.  Banned in New Zealand but I live in America!  Apparently the story behind this is that when the father found out that they were expecting, he cried out "4real!" in complete surprise.  Not "for real" like you might expect.  And there was no zed added on as in "4realz".  Which is a shame.  Other banned names included Anal, Christ, Messiah , Mr, *, Majesti (nice creative spelling there) and Juztice (also showing good use of the "Z").  

We're a fairly unique country but not alone - Sweden also banned Superman and Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116.  Which looks like what Albert typed in an email to his grandmother last night. When he lay down on the keyboard to do it...

Public Holiday's Around the World...Today

Today is Martin Luther King Day here in the States. Which is important for many reasons as we all know. Also, since I want to treat all my readers equally, I am celebrating that it is Wellington Anniversary Day in New Zealand, for my 2 followers in Azerbaijan, happy "Martyr's Day" also known as "Day of National Mourning"*. For those readers in Idaho - enjoy "Idaho Human Right's Day".** And in Mali, let's raise a hand for Armed Forces Day and Baptism of the Prophet***. Finally, three cheers for Tuesday in Australia.

Since this is a public holiday today, technically I should have a day off from writing but I am pushing on through, even though it means I will have to walk 5 miles in the snow without shoes and a heavy pack of stones on my back.****

*Unsure if one should wish this to be "happy". Possibly one should wish for "sorry people sacrificed themselves and are now martyrs"?
**Let's hope they extend the same courtesy to the potato.
***It's a 2 for 1 day in Mali. They have a lot of public holidays so they're doubling up with the ones that just seem to go together...
****No martyrs here. No snow either but walking in sunshine makes it difficult to sound like a hardship. Also...Walking in Sunshine is a joyful song...

It's The Day Before The Day Before Xmas!

I'm on a boat. Sailing to Mexico. I am very international. I'm going to come back with the following:

1. A tan
2. A complete grasp of the Spanish Language
3. A Xmas belly
4. My own personal pinata, filled with chocolate, diamonds and a car.
5. Bootleg Tequila*.
6. A baby
7. A baby burrito
8. A zacahuil** - just going to pop it in my suitcase***
9. Chihuahua's from Chihuahua for everyone of my friends. Going to ask for bulk discount. Then pop them in the post.
10. A contract to be a cabaret singer on a cruise ship.****

*Or I might just buy some. I don't want to get arrested in Mexico. They're very threatened by New Zealand so I probably wouldn't last long in prison. Also, I don't know where to get bootleg tequila, I'm not sure of the quality and it just seems easier to buy it...also I don't like it.
**A Mexican tamale, three feet long and weighing about 150 pounds. I might get a dozen.
***Same with the baby. Burrito goes in my handbag for easy access.
****Let's be realistic. The other things probably aren't going to happen.

Differences between America and New Zealand - Part 1*

• TV shows - we grew up with two channels. So we didn't get all the American shows, there's only so much you can fit on two channels and home grown, Australian and UK were lined up first. So, when Americans quote lines from shows or sing theme songs, I look blankly at them**. Someone at work laughed at my cardigan the other day and said I looked like Mr Rogers. I laughed and laughed. I don't know who that is. I don't think it's good.
• You have those paper things to put on the toilet seat. We squat. New Zealanders have very strong thighs. I feel like we missed this boat on this one. You win, America.
• Light switches - you push them down to turn them on. We push them up. You are wrong.
• You say y'all. We say it properly.***
• Received an email from a colleague yesterday who wanted to know if I was available to discuss a project. When I responded and said I was tied up, I got the following email: "WHAT??? Are you ok?"****
• We drive on the right side of the road. You do not.
• When I tell you I'm going to call in, I mean I'm stopping by so don't be acting all surprised when I show up while you're waiting for my phone call.
• If we invite you to an event and ask you to "bring a plate". Don't bring an empty plate. We're not poor, we have more than one plate, we just want you to put some food on it to share.
• Our power voltage will kick yours in the arse (no, not ass)
• Our policemen don't carry guns. They just ask you very politely to stop committing that crime. This has varying degrees of effectiveness. Sometimes they have to ask twice.
• When you go through our airports, the sniffer dogs aren't looking for drugs. They're looking for fruit. I realize that sounds ridiculous.

Our economy depends on keeping agricultural pests out of our environment.  Our cops may not carry guns but you will be shot if you bring an orange in.*****

• We use the metric system.  As does the rest of the world.
• When I ask you to put the jug on, I mean, for the love of god, make me a cup of tea. Gumboot, please.******
• We put sweaters on our penguins. I'm not saying we're more caring...just that your penguins are freezing.

Gratuitous cute animal shot in shameful attempt to gain more readers...

You have the Army, Navy, Marines and Airforce. We have this:

NZ Airforce

 

NZ Army

NZ Navy

But since you don't really know where we are, it's fine.

*Unless I can't think of any more, in which case, it's the end
**Not true - I pretend I know what they're talking about and fake sing along. Which is difficult.
***Just kidding. You know I love you, Texas. If you are offended by this, please let me know because I don't believe you're reading me. This is a test.
****Since he was clearly concerned, I put him out of his misery. " No, I'm tied up. Save me."
*****Not really but we will fleece you of $400
******Regular black tea

Happy Halloween

I love the Halloween traditions - buying a bunch of candy, locking yourself inside and eating it all with the lights turned down low so no one knows you're home.  Carving a pumpkin to rot on your porch until Thanksgiving, then pretending it belongs to the neighbors so you don't have to touch it.  Making a home-made costume - wearing your costume and having to pretend an 8 year old made it because you still don't know how to color in the lines.  

When I was growing up in New Zealand, Halloween wasn't something that we typically celebrated but because my father was American, he shared the tradition from his childhood. We don't grow the big orange pumpkins at home so he would have to carve one of the small dark green ones known as Buttercup. I looked for a picture so I could show you what they look like when carved but there are none. I have to give this one to America.  Good idea to go with orange. Even with a candle inside, they don't exactly glow the same way but we didn't know what it was supposed to look like and we loved it.

Buttercups - most ineffectual carved pumpkin ever.

I like Halloween but I'm a big scaredy baby about scary things - only movie I ever walked out of: Candyman. So even though I know it's not real, I'm still terrified. Candyman is real though. A friend once told me that if you watch a horror movie and block your ears, it won't be as scary because it's the music that really makes it terrifying. I disagree so I close my eyes. We were the perfect horror movie watching couple.  He couldn't hear a thing.  I couldn't see anything.  No one knew what was going on. Now, I find it easier to just not watch horrors.  It also really irritates me how in scary movies, the person about to be killed (a) goes to investigate when they clearly should get under the bed and play possum.  I do that at least 3 times a night and I'm still alive so seems pretty effective and (b) yells out "hello?" as if the killer is going to yell back - "yeah I'm in the kitchen making a coffee. You want anything?"
 
This year, against my better judgement, I agreed to go on the LA Haunted Hayride with a friend. It's up at Griffith Park which is where you go to bury all the people you kill. You get in the back of a trailer being towed by a tractor, sit on some authentic straw* and get dragged through the pitch black blackness. Along the way, you're terrorized by different scenes and creatures. There's the now defunct zoo filled with people being tortured in cages, the burning children at the orphanage, one of whom gave me a drawing she had done with the words "Help" on it. I did not help. Maybe if she'd been a cat in need...

Every step of the way, scary beings leap out and shove their faces in yours - they're not allowed to touch you but they get crazy close, especially when your "friend" is directing them towards you knowing you are terrified and she is merely amused. The gospel choir, circus and chanting monks did not make things better. They were dead. I was not expecting that. 

Public Service Announcement: 

• This ride is not for anyone that needs to sit in a chair. 
• This ride is not for anyone wearing heels and a nice frock. 
• This ride is not for anyone who is a big baby and has to apologize to everyone at the end for all the screaming**. 
• This ride is not for anyone who did not go to the bathroom first.
• There are no snacks on the ride.  Snacks would have made it less scary.  I could have thrown my snacks at the scary people***

So that was a good time.

My favorite part - food.

The best part about Halloween is the costumes**** but I much prefer the ones that are cobbled together from all the crap you have at home. I also don't understand how anything and everything can be sexified***** into a sexy costume.  Especially animals.

This one is billed as a "Courageous Lion".  I would like to see her with an actual lion - then we'll see how courageous she is.  Nice representation though, it looks exactly like all the pictures I have seen of lions.

This is a fox.  With a corset.  And shaved upper thighs.

Yep.  A deer.  I doubt she would last long out in the woods being hunted.  In her deer hoof heels.

 

And finally a sexy monkey.  When I met monkeys in India, they hissed at me, ate their own poop and tried to bite my head off.  I think I could take her.

But wait - this one is the best.  17 round tupperware containers and 2 square lids to the person that guesses what it is.

See end of post for answer

*I know it was authentic because it was uncomfortable and painful and a lot of it came home with me
**And a little bit of crying. But very brave crying
***Just kidding.  You can bite my head off before I give you my snacks.
****Lies. It's the candy.  Which I am not eating this year.  Just going to lick the tops. 
*****Spellcheck tells me this is not a word. Spellcheck is wrong. In fact "Spellcheck" is telling me that it itself is not a word so how can we believe anything it says.

ANSWER: Sexy Tarantula.  Even with all my costume fails, I think I did better than this.  There was the time I went as Steve Irwin "Crocodile Hunter" (everybody already thinks I'm Australian, seemed a perfect fit.  Only time ever that people said to me "Oh, I thought you were from New Zealand".  Fail.).  The next year I followed it up with the traditional dress of the New Zealand Maori.  Most unrecognized costume in America that year. This year I'm thinking of going as a sexy asparagus.  Which I will showcase in my house.  On the couch.  With the candy I bought for neighborhood children.  With the lights off. Watching happy movies.

A Handful Of the Conversations I Regularly Have...

This is probably going to offend some people. And by people I mean Americans. Which means my readership may drop back down to 3. So, I'm going to need the New Zealander's to step it up a bit until I can get the Americans back. What do you say we all pick on the Aussies tomorrow?

Stupid person: Are you from Australia?
Me: No, New Zealand
Stupid Person: Yeah, I thought I recognized the accent
Me: Probably right after I told you

Different stupid person: Where are you from?
Me: New Zealand
Still stupid person but still different one: Oh cool, that’s next to Sweden, right?
Me: No, that’s Norway.

Blind drunk stupid person: Have you seen a hobbit?
Me: Yes.

Stupid Person: Do you eat turkey for Thanksgiving in New Zealand or something else?
Me: The Mayflower didn't make it to us, so...

Stupid Person: Are you going home to New Zealand for the weekend?
Me: Yes. I have a time travel portal
Stupid Person: Really?
Me: No.

Stupid Person: Has anyone ever said "throw another shrimp on the barbie" to you?
Me: No - that's so original. Did you think of that by yourself? 

Culturally Unaware person: Why do New Zealander's call themselves a fruit?
Me: The nickname comes from a bird called the Kiwi
Culturally Unaware person: Have you eaten a Kiwi
Me: Yes, it was roasting next to the shrimp on the barbie
Culturally Unaware person: Does it taste like chicken?