What To Do When Your Flight Gets Cancelled - An UnHelpful Guide

If your flight gets cancelled and the cancellation will result in you missing an important event/meeting/dying grandmother as well as causing issues with hotel bookings in the city you are flying to, missing connections and unknown whereabouts of luggage, then you are entitled to do the following:

1. Cry. Violently. In the middle of the airport. Possibly even a little stamping of feet. But make sure people are watching.
2. Have a cupcake. You have been dealt an unfair blow through no fault of your own. You are entitled to recompense in the form of cake. While this won't help the immediate situation, you can later sue the airline for making you fat. Also, cupcakes are delicious, quite soothing and allow you the chance to calmly think over your next move.
3. Simultaneously call the airline and go to their Service Desk to make your feelings known. Don't worry about acting like a grown-up or being polite, it will get you nowhere. You need to go "full toddler" with your grievance.  You must demand that they inform the wind to stop blowing a howling gale.  You must convince them to take you up on your suggestion to fly the damn plane yourself.  
4. Upon being offered an alternative flight at no cost to yourself, possibly even a hotel room for the night, you must demand the penthouse suite, water flown in from an underground spring in Iceland and grapes.  Grapes say I'm sorry like no other fruit can.  A banana says 'up yours' and an apple says 'I'm not sorry at all, this took no effort whatsoever.'
5. Tell everyone you know about your desperate plight but any suggestions of help or advice are always wrong and impossible.

However, if your flight gets cancelled and they get you on a new one on the same day and all that happens is you have to hang around the airport for a bit longer, then you are entitled to do 1 through 3.  You can tone it down a little and you probably don't need a back-up cupcake.

Just some behavior I witnessed recently when my flight was cancelled.  I'll try and behave better next time...

A Summary Of Boston

• I threw tea in the harbor. Nothing happened. Also, could not find the harbor. Well, I could but it seemed like a long walk so I just took a picture. From a distance. So, tea was less thrown into the harbor and more like...I had a cup of tea.
• They talk funny. Which I can say because apparently so do I. Also, people here think I'm from South Carolina. Am thinking of moving there so people will stop asking me where I'm from.
• Boston Baked Beans. Are very elusive. Nobody is offering them up anymore. They appear to be extinct. I think I've found a gap in the market. Who wants to move here and open a baked bean shop with me? I will be managing it from LA. It's very cold here and my body shuts down #bringbackthebeans
• Boston has beautiful houses. I will buy one. With my baked bean profits.
• Boston cream pie is not a pie. Ergo, Boston is a liar. Boston is considered a world leader in innovation with all its higher education. You would think they would know the difference between pie and cake. Another gap in the market identified methinks. I will develop a course all about how to identify pie. It will be part of MIT. Engineering and pie have very close correlations.
• When you arrive at the airport in Boston, you might want to rethink flip flops. It's Winter here. I know, my feet were very surprised too.
• I couldn't find any Irish people. I think they are in hiding with the beans.

When You Are Traveling For Business...

1. Everything will fit in your suitcase on departure. However, despite buying nothing, it will not fit on your return. So you will wear two dresses and socks with your heels on the plane.
2. The stuff you hang in the hotel closet will still be there when you leave. You will never see it again. And yet, your suitcase still will not shut.
3. You will either be far too early for your flight or you will do a personal best (PB) down the tarmac.
4. You will carefully lay out each work day outfit, complete with shoes and accessories when you are packing. Yet once you arrive, there will be a component missing from each outfit.  Better hope it's not your pants.
5. Dinner will be by yourself and you will pay for your drinks separately so that your corporate credit card receipt doesn't reflect the fact that you are a rampant alcoholic*.
6. You will be on the 31st floor so there will be no need to draw the curtains.  Then the window washer will wash your windows at the same moment that you get dressed.  It will be awkward for everyone.  It's not easy for them to go somewhere else in a hurry...
7. The batteries in the hotel TV remote will be sketchy.  And you will never be able to change from the hotel welcome screen.  You will not feel very welcome.
8. You will unexpectedly have to go to a meeting in a different building with 2 minutes to get there.  You will be told to go to the 47th floor.  You should go to the 14th.  That will require going back down to the lobby and going to a different elevator bank that services floors 1-20.  You will now be ridiculously late.  You will find the room and try and sidle on in, knowing that no one has met you and has no clue who you are.  You will try and become one with your chair.  It will not work.  They will shoot looks at you that mean "get out - not your meeting".  So you will make notes in your notebook in order to look engaged and as if you know what is going on.  You do not.  Also you are writing "take me to my happy place, take me to my happy place". You remain where you are.
9. You will make it through the week because you are a professional**
10. You will only drop your laptop once when you get it out for the airport screening.  Thank goodness it's not your personal one..
11. You will exchange knowing looks with all the other business travelers.  Your looks will say "we're in this together, we're business professionals, we have expense accounts, we're not like these others".  Then they will call security.

*or cake connoisseur
**and a wine drinker

Differences between America and New Zealand - Part 1*

• TV shows - we grew up with two channels. So we didn't get all the American shows, there's only so much you can fit on two channels and home grown, Australian and UK were lined up first. So, when Americans quote lines from shows or sing theme songs, I look blankly at them**. Someone at work laughed at my cardigan the other day and said I looked like Mr Rogers. I laughed and laughed. I don't know who that is. I don't think it's good.
• You have those paper things to put on the toilet seat. We squat. New Zealanders have very strong thighs. I feel like we missed this boat on this one. You win, America.
• Light switches - you push them down to turn them on. We push them up. You are wrong.
• You say y'all. We say it properly.***
• Received an email from a colleague yesterday who wanted to know if I was available to discuss a project. When I responded and said I was tied up, I got the following email: "WHAT??? Are you ok?"****
• We drive on the right side of the road. You do not.
• When I tell you I'm going to call in, I mean I'm stopping by so don't be acting all surprised when I show up while you're waiting for my phone call.
• If we invite you to an event and ask you to "bring a plate". Don't bring an empty plate. We're not poor, we have more than one plate, we just want you to put some food on it to share.
• Our power voltage will kick yours in the arse (no, not ass)
• Our policemen don't carry guns. They just ask you very politely to stop committing that crime. This has varying degrees of effectiveness. Sometimes they have to ask twice.
• When you go through our airports, the sniffer dogs aren't looking for drugs. They're looking for fruit. I realize that sounds ridiculous.

Our economy depends on keeping agricultural pests out of our environment.  Our cops may not carry guns but you will be shot if you bring an orange in.*****

• We use the metric system.  As does the rest of the world.
• When I ask you to put the jug on, I mean, for the love of god, make me a cup of tea. Gumboot, please.******
• We put sweaters on our penguins. I'm not saying we're more caring...just that your penguins are freezing.

Gratuitous cute animal shot in shameful attempt to gain more readers...

You have the Army, Navy, Marines and Airforce. We have this:

NZ Airforce

 

NZ Army

NZ Navy

But since you don't really know where we are, it's fine.

*Unless I can't think of any more, in which case, it's the end
**Not true - I pretend I know what they're talking about and fake sing along. Which is difficult.
***Just kidding. You know I love you, Texas. If you are offended by this, please let me know because I don't believe you're reading me. This is a test.
****Since he was clearly concerned, I put him out of his misery. " No, I'm tied up. Save me."
*****Not really but we will fleece you of $400
******Regular black tea