Words of Wisdom and Other Stuff I Made Up

A Poem I wrote*:
String is a very important thing
Rope is thicker but string is quicker
* A lie.

A Beauty Tip:
If you have fat ankles, there is nothing I can do for you.

Building Confidence:
Sometimes you just have to give yourself a compliment. "Damn, self, you got nice eyes"

Dating Tip:
You can't make someone love you, you can only stalk them and hope for the best. Also, it's not really stalking if you're just waiting for them to realize how perfect you are together.

Exercise Reality:
I'm not coming into work today because I did squats yesterday

How to Make up with Someone:
I'm sorry we fought, I hate it when you're wrong

Fact:
Even though you have all tile and wood floors - the cat will throw up on the bath mat.

Dietary Advice:
Instead of milk with my tea, I use wine and then also instead of my tea, I use wine

Shopping Fact:
When you go to Target, you will spend a lot of money on things you didn't know you needed.And you will regret it once you get home but you will be too lazy to take anything back. You should start a "Things I Bought At Target" closet.

Safety Tip:
Always make sure the elevator is there before stepping in

Advice:
Don't do it. I did it and now I'm very, very sorry.

Fact:
4 out of 3 people struggle with Mathematics

Beauty Tips for Hands

I invented something last night. It was pretty easy. I don't know why people make such a fuss about Einstein and the like, I just sat down and thought of it. Reminds me of the first time I played golf - don't know why people think Tiger's so great, it was easy. Take your stick out, hit a ball and get as many points as you can. I can get 100 points on 9 holes, no problem.

So here it is - for those of you that are getting a bit long in the tooth, a bit mutton dressed as lamb, a bit past your best, I have a useful beauty tip for your hands. As you age, your hands start to get more wrinkled and even though your face may look young, your hands can be a dead giveaway that quite frankly, you're old.

Luckily I have an easy solution that requires no purchase of expensive creams, no hand exercise machines, no hand make-up and no painful surgery. Simply curl your hand into a claw-like shape and watch the skin grow taught, eliminating all wrinkles. Continue to hold it like that forever.

Obviously there will be times when you forget but eventually you will adapt and be able to perform all your daily tasks with a claw-hand. Rest-assured no one will suspect your real age now. I cannot however, do anything for your ugly old face...although who knows what next great idea will drop into my head.  I'm very well-educated on stuff I make up.

Note the difference as you browse through your library - Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Hand approve of the claw-hand. Also Harry Potter and Half-Blood Hand.  I can go on...

Cooking now looks more elegant and the claw-hand* provides excellent grippage which is most definitely a word.  Side note: A lot of people cry when they are cutting and cooking onions.  The trick is to not form an emotional bond.

Typing with an old wrinkled hand is so unappealing to your co-workers. Why not be productive and attractive?

As you can see typing with a claw-hand allows for an excellent command of the keyboard, with minimal errors and lovely line to the hand

Wrap your claw-hand around your fork and enjoy your meal knowing your hands look youthful

Watch how the cat recoils at the touch of the old, wrinkled hand

See how the cat thrives under the touch of the claw-hand

Update: Have just looked up claw-hand and found that it's also known as "Spinster's Claw" which is not at all where I wanted this to go. Disregard the above. 

*No hand models were hurt in the filming of this segment. They weren't paid either.

Waxing...and Other Beauty Ideas

This morning, I thought it would be a good idea to wax my upper lip just before I left for work. It wasn’t. I don’t really have a mustache, just some fine downy blonde hairs but everyone else is waxing, lasering and shaving their upper lip so I thought it was time.  Kind of like when I first shaved my legs - for some reason it was a big deal when I was growing up, some sort of rite of passage that your mother wanted you to hold off on for as long as possible but without telling you why.  Turns out it's because you have to then keep on shaving them for years and years until you die and the little blonde hairs you had turn into black ones.  One day without telling her, I shaved one leg.  Then the next year I did the other.  That way, I could position myself so the hairy leg always faced her and she would never know.  Less effective after the second leg and then it was too late.

But back to my lip.I found one of those wax strips you warm between your hands and rubbed it on my upper lip, braced myself and ripped it off. 

Notes: 

1. Ensure that the wax strip is adhering to your upper lip only.  Not the inside of your lip because it will rip a giant bleeding hole in it and then swell up. 
2. Not one single hair will come off.
3. Get ice for the inside of your lip. 

Other tips:

1. To save time, don’t shower
2. Every time you read about a new hair product. Buy it. Then later when it doesn’t work, mix them all together and sell them at your yard sale
3. When getting laser hair removal, don't go to a Russian nurse named Valentina whose husband will come in while you're half naked on the treatment table, to change out the water filter.  Apparently, that shit can't wait.