Cake Decorating - Part 3

And now we reach the last stage of what I am already a bit bored with. This frosting/decorating thing is a very expensive hobby for a one-time hobby that I'm about to do for one time. I think I'm a bit OCD and ADD which means I do everything perfectly, just not for very long.  But, I'm totally focused and ready to do this - nothing will detract from my commitment.  Oh look, a puppy.

Fondant in a thousand different flavors, a fondant lifty uppy thing, fondant smoothy thing, leopard print duct tape sheets (to tape the cake together if things go horribly wrong) and fondant cutter. Apparently different from a knife and therefore essential.

So things went well - started at 6pm, ended at 3am, was ready to be done at 7pm. Now, that I am a master baker and decorator*, I feel I can share some tips:

• Get everything ready and have different stations for each stage of the process. Visit the wine station first.

Hands-free wine

• Safety first - do not decorate when angry or in an angry place. No one got hit by a rolling pin but I did feel threatened and in an unsafe environment at times.
• Do not give advice. You will get smacked in the head by a spatula**. Constructive criticism only works when you constructively criticize yourself and even that never goes well for me.
• Toothpicks are your friend. Just because you use your mind to keep a cake element in place, does not mean it will. Please eat the cake carefully - it will not be like looking for a needle in a haystack, unless the cake is the needle.
• When dying white fondant to another color, you will reach a point when you think the color will never even out. You will be right.
• If you select yellow fondant and think you can make it better by adding more yellow. You are wrong. So you will add orange. And then you will try and correct that by adding brown. Then you will start over.

Hepatitis Hands

•  Before rolling fondant. Stretch. 

Before we started rolling, our arms were flabby and un-toned.  We owe everything to fondant.

• Before rolling fondant. Get someone else to do it
• While rolling fondant your arms will get tired. Just quit.
• While rolling fondant, wear a headband. It will stop you from getting salty fondant.
• When lifting fondant to drape on the cake, it will go badly.
• When lifting fondant to drape on the cake, keep in mind that you will do this several times. Then you will just accept that sticking fondant lumps on as patches is not standard practice but you no longer care.
• Part way through you will look at what you have made and realize that you have made an egg. Your theme is jungle.

Caution: Not a real egg

Finally you will finish. The end result:

Made a zebra/giraffe cake.  Put ears on it.

Photo bomb: Level Giraffe

Despite my scoffing at Schmistine's lofty goals for her first time, she nailed it.  Actually literally nailed it.  And glued it and threatened it.  Nothing is moving.  However, Schmistine tells me she has learned her lesson and will next time just attempt a small round cake...and create a world globe. 

Her son has just started pre-school and they're having a bake sale - so while the other mothers show up with banana bread loaves, Schmistine, will show up with this.  Just a little something she whipped up the night before.  Take that, other mothers.

For those that think this is amazing, you are right.  I did an amazing job.  While I may not have done the actual decorating, I was there every step of the way giving advice, constructive criticism, eating the fondant, rolling out fondant to replace what I just ate, fixing holes I made after careless rolling pin placement, holding the hot glue gun and I must have rolled fondant for it for a good 10 seconds.

Cake is totally edible.  Cardboard, rhinestones and glue will probably not have a detrimental effect on you.  Eat at your own risk.  Step aside fondant, this is case for glue.

So, I think we can call this hobby a success...and infinitely better than any of these...

Does anyone want to eat this? Worst baby shower cake ever

Sometimes it works better in your head...execution is difficult

Why you never relay the message over the phone

*Self-appointed
**Rubber ones hurt more than wooden

Cake Decorating - Part 2

Let's bake, bitches*! 

I know, I can't really pull that off. I think it's my delivery. I think if I said it while brandishing a spatula, it would really help.

If you don't know what I'm talking about then I suggest you go back and read my previous post, Cake Decorating - Part 1.  How can you expect to know what is going on in my life if you're not following me every minute of the day?

I decided to bake my cakes on Sunday just in case there was an accident and I ate them before decorating day. There was an accident. So I baked some more on Monday. And then I baked even more because one of them picked a fight with me and refused to rise more than an inch. I decided to do gluten-free cake mix because I'm allergic to wheat and in case there was an accident and I ate them, then it wouldn't aggravate my allergy.  One of my better ideas.  

See how it mocks me knowing its evil no-rise oven plan

Those lumps that you see are called laziness.  

These beaters were not cleaned in my mouth...

So, now I'm ready to decorate. In the future, I will have people do this baking part for me. It's just too open to accidents. Also I'm very busy with the ideas part. I want you to know that I had big plans to attach a video of me making the cake from start to finish including measuring the ingredients (I don't actually measure. Measuring is for amateurs. A real chef estimates. Which is why this real chef had to do it again), using the mixer (FYI - a hand mixer is not like a KitchenAid mixer, you can't turn it on, prop it up and walk away. That will result in the bowl moving to the floor, lying on its side and the mixer spraying batter everywhere. Which only happened once - I'm a very fast learner) and dropping the cake pan upside down when trying to put it in the oven (silicone cake cans are very flimsy and you should use both hands because once they start to wobble, catching them mid-air is not a viable option). The video was going to have Donna Summer playing in the background with the perfect baking song but I hit a technical hitch called "I don't know how to do it."

Tonight is the night to decorate, there might be tears.  Don't cry Schmistine, don't cry.  It will still taste good...

*Sorry Schmistine, I didn't mean you were a bitch.  I was just trying to be cool.  I'm sorry I'm not cool.  Is it the spatula?

Cake Decorating 1

My friend and I have taken up a new hobby. And by taken up, I mean we haven't done it yet but it's going down next week. We're in the ideas phase. This is different to my other hobbies that didn't really take. Like exercise. It's still in the ideas phase.  

We're going to become master cake decorators (just in our spare time - she's too busy with her real job and I'm too busy making money off my blog). We're on a strict timeline to nail this hobby:

1. Recon mission to Michaels scheduled for tomorrow. Hoping to keep ourselves* in check and not buy everything we don't need and will only use one time when we get bored of our new hobby.  Tomorrow.
2. Individual cake baking on Monday - already we know that you don't frost cakes straight from the oven...learned that the hard way.  Has anyone ever taken the cupcakes your Mum baked for the school bake sale and eaten them on the way?  Yeah, me either.
3. Tuesday is D-Day. Decorating Day - technically night because we're not allowed to decorate cakes at work.  They're stifling me. We're very excited about non-confirmed self-diagnosed creative genius.

My friend (who in order to preserve her anonymity, I will just say that her name rhymes with Schmistine), has chosen to make a designer shoe and shoebox for her very first attempt at cake decorating. Who else thinks this is an overly ambitious idea? Who else is not gonna say a word**? My concern with Schmistine is that she's been a little all over the place with the cake design choice - we've gone from a diversity cake (she works in Supplier Diversity) to a castle and now a shoe. All I know is that she's reading this so I am very supportive of all her choices.

Diversity Fondant?

I just want to go on record with the following predictions - I'm not saying it's Doomsday because obviously I'm a very positive person***, I'm just saying...when attempting to fight fire with fire, remember the Fire Department usually uses water.  And so it begins...
 

I am Pro-cake.  I am also Pro-eating it

1. I predict that we will be drunk decorating - not me Mum, Schmistine.  She's a terrible influence.
2. I predict the high heeled shoe will become a flat. The shoe box will hit me in the head when I point this out.
3. Someone will have to cut fondant out of their hair.  I vote for Schmistine 
4. I predict that the end of the night will involve the two us collapsed in a heap on the floor, eating fistfuls of cake

And so it ends...

Net Result??

So stay tuned to see what actually happens****. If mine is a huge success, you will hear about it.  Also if hers is a huge disaster, you will hear about it.  If mine is a huge failure, we will never speak of this again... next hobby?

*I'm very concerned about Schmistine, she really has no control.  Unlike me.  I really needed that fondant photo printer and cutter.  Not true but I'm getting it.  Don't tell Schmistine.
**I actually said many words about this but now I have learned my lesson
***And a liar
****Clever marketing ploy to get you to keep reading...you'll never know when part 2 will come up so you keep checking and reading every day...only to be hopelessly disappointed.