Children's Birthday Parties

My friend invited me to her 3 year old son's birthday party and it was going to be at the LA Zoo which was very exciting. I was going to bring my hip flask, take the birthday cake and sit in a corner and just talk to the animals. Apparently for $8,000 they will bring you a tiger cub to pet but my friend is very cheap and would not buy me some tiger cub quality time.

Anyway, for those that don't know the great tragedy that hit LA last week - we had four days of rain and she had to go to Plan B which was a specialty kids birthday party company called Giggles 'N Hugs *.

I had planned to go to yoga, rush home and shower then head off to the party and be there right on time at 2pm. Turns out party started at 1pm which left me 30 minutes to drive the 30 minute drive home, shower and then drive the 40 minutes to the venue which left me with a deficit of 1019 hours.** So we came to a mutually beneficial agreement that allowed neither of us to feel guilty. I offered up the gift I had bought her son for her to give him thus saving her the time of running off to the mall and I got a hall pass. Everybody wins! I need yoga more than I need pizza and I only know how to talk to cats. Not adults.

But being the good friend I am, I offered to help put together the party favor gift boxes. The theme was the movie Madagascar, so we had animal crackers, animal stickers, lollipops and toy animals. I put myself in charge of creating appropriate animal pairings for the boxes. Because 3 year olds notice things like that. I think I did an excellent job and should probably go into business creating animal pairings for kids birthday party gift boxes that have a Madagascar theme.

Selection of the potential animals - 3 to a box.  In a perfect world, they would all be exotic animals, however sometimes people accidentally buy dogs.  So, now everyone gets a dog and two exotics.  Honestly, I'm a little afraid for some of the dogs...

A Tiger and a Collie Dog and a...black and white animal.  I think it's a Tapir but I don't know what that is.  A party favor box*** for the person who guesses it correctly.  Photobomb - Level: Parrot and Camel.  German Shepherd is clearly on guard and looking in the wrong direction.

This is obviously one of those therapy dogs, trying to bring the zebra and Leopard closer together.  "can we all just start by looking each other in the eye?" Quite frankly, I don't blame the zebra for being a bit standoffish.  Friendly overtures in the past have resulted in being eaten.

This camel is called Raju.  When I was in India, I rode on a camel named Raju.  We rode through the desert and Raju dragged me through the only tree for miles.  It was prickly and had a snake hanging down from it.  Raju caused me to lose my dignity in front of a snake.  We didn't really get along.  He spat at me, I spat back.  Not to scale.

Sausage dog meets giraffe.  Sausage dog gives giraffe napoleon complex.  Sausage dog is apparently a giant sausage dog.

Feel like this is a movie yet to be made...my money's on the gorilla.

That's because I saw the fight.

Take that bitches...rawr.

This is like the scorpion and the turtle fable.  The turtle agrees to take the scorpion across the river despite severe misgivings about being stung half way across and both of them dying.  Due to the inherent nature of the scorpion, his misgivings are well founded.  Here, the anteater tries to talk the turtle out of it, but the turtle has low self-esteem so tries to please everyone and insists on helping out the large cat whose breed is unidentifiable due to him being made out of plastic.  I can't show you what happened - it's too distressing.  But surprise surprise, there was no river and the turtle had his throat ripped out by the cat and the anteater wants to go in a different party bag.

Actually - turns out it was a murder pact between these two and the anteater was using reverse psychology on the turtle. 

Panther and giant frog get to know each other.  Panther is wondering why the frog is so big given that the largest frog in the world, the Goliath frog  reaches a max of 3kg and 13 inches long.  Panther is sidling away as clearly this is a frog that has been eating toxic waste and has grown abnormally large and panther is smart enough to know that this can only end badly.  Panther requests a different party bag.  Panther is denied.  Panther does not make it through to the end of the party.  Child only receives two animals.

The fancy party favor gift boxes.

The party favor gift boxes for the kids we don't like. 

The party favor lollipop for the kid that wasn't even invited and was just passing through the mall.

*I keep wanting to call this Shits 'n Giggles which is clearly not right although I'm thinking with a bunch of kids running around, drinking soda and eating candy, it's probably not too far from the truth. Although back to front as pretty sure no one is giggling after the...well you know what I mean.
**Or thereabouts.  Did this in my head so might be a little off...
***And by party favor box, I mean nothing.

Cake Decorating - Part 3

And now we reach the last stage of what I am already a bit bored with. This frosting/decorating thing is a very expensive hobby for a one-time hobby that I'm about to do for one time. I think I'm a bit OCD and ADD which means I do everything perfectly, just not for very long.  But, I'm totally focused and ready to do this - nothing will detract from my commitment.  Oh look, a puppy.

Fondant in a thousand different flavors, a fondant lifty uppy thing, fondant smoothy thing, leopard print duct tape sheets (to tape the cake together if things go horribly wrong) and fondant cutter. Apparently different from a knife and therefore essential.

So things went well - started at 6pm, ended at 3am, was ready to be done at 7pm. Now, that I am a master baker and decorator*, I feel I can share some tips:

• Get everything ready and have different stations for each stage of the process. Visit the wine station first.

Hands-free wine

• Safety first - do not decorate when angry or in an angry place. No one got hit by a rolling pin but I did feel threatened and in an unsafe environment at times.
• Do not give advice. You will get smacked in the head by a spatula**. Constructive criticism only works when you constructively criticize yourself and even that never goes well for me.
• Toothpicks are your friend. Just because you use your mind to keep a cake element in place, does not mean it will. Please eat the cake carefully - it will not be like looking for a needle in a haystack, unless the cake is the needle.
• When dying white fondant to another color, you will reach a point when you think the color will never even out. You will be right.
• If you select yellow fondant and think you can make it better by adding more yellow. You are wrong. So you will add orange. And then you will try and correct that by adding brown. Then you will start over.

Hepatitis Hands

•  Before rolling fondant. Stretch. 

Before we started rolling, our arms were flabby and un-toned.  We owe everything to fondant.

• Before rolling fondant. Get someone else to do it
• While rolling fondant your arms will get tired. Just quit.
• While rolling fondant, wear a headband. It will stop you from getting salty fondant.
• When lifting fondant to drape on the cake, it will go badly.
• When lifting fondant to drape on the cake, keep in mind that you will do this several times. Then you will just accept that sticking fondant lumps on as patches is not standard practice but you no longer care.
• Part way through you will look at what you have made and realize that you have made an egg. Your theme is jungle.

Caution: Not a real egg

Finally you will finish. The end result:

Made a zebra/giraffe cake.  Put ears on it.

Photo bomb: Level Giraffe

Despite my scoffing at Schmistine's lofty goals for her first time, she nailed it.  Actually literally nailed it.  And glued it and threatened it.  Nothing is moving.  However, Schmistine tells me she has learned her lesson and will next time just attempt a small round cake...and create a world globe. 

Her son has just started pre-school and they're having a bake sale - so while the other mothers show up with banana bread loaves, Schmistine, will show up with this.  Just a little something she whipped up the night before.  Take that, other mothers.

For those that think this is amazing, you are right.  I did an amazing job.  While I may not have done the actual decorating, I was there every step of the way giving advice, constructive criticism, eating the fondant, rolling out fondant to replace what I just ate, fixing holes I made after careless rolling pin placement, holding the hot glue gun and I must have rolled fondant for it for a good 10 seconds.

Cake is totally edible.  Cardboard, rhinestones and glue will probably not have a detrimental effect on you.  Eat at your own risk.  Step aside fondant, this is case for glue.

So, I think we can call this hobby a success...and infinitely better than any of these...

Does anyone want to eat this? Worst baby shower cake ever

Sometimes it works better in your head...execution is difficult

Why you never relay the message over the phone

*Self-appointed
**Rubber ones hurt more than wooden