My Animal Encounters Over The Years And Around The World

I like to think I am an animal whisperer. Although last night I yelled at Albert for looking at me wrong. Which wasn't really fair. There's probably only one way of looking when you just have the one eye.

I've done a fair bit of traveling over the years and recently going through my photos I noticed how much interaction I've had with animals. And how much I have not as you'll see below.

I don't know this chicks story. We shared a sprite and then both moved on with our lives. He wasn't much for talking.  Also I don't understand Thai.

I don't know this pig's story but I think it ended badly. Suspect is not there of his own free will. Probably would have preferred to ride on the handlebars.

Log cabin bear. Rescued him. Originally he was on his back with a glass table top resting on his paws. I liberated a bear. That's right, PETA.

Go to Alaska they said. You won't be able to move for all the wildlife. Looks like I have plenty of room. That dot in the middle was allegedly a moose. On inspection it turned out to be more of a log moose. Luckily we timed our Alaska trip when all the beluga whales were out in force. Right up until I came over. Then they made a pact and headed for the bottom of the ocean, laughing hysterically at me snapping shots of empty water.

Diving in Greece. Look at all the sea animals I am not surrounded by. There is a world wide pact with all water creatures to avoid me. Except for jellyfish, sea lice and freshwater crayfish (or Koura in NZ). If it can sting or bite, it will find me. Go all the way to Greece they said. Learn how to dive they said. Look at all the nothing you will see.

Monkeys in India. This is a gang. When you try and pass, they will cut you. You can't see their knives. They're in their pockets. The little ones will just hiss at you. They're too busy getting tattoos to chase you.

Monkey at Taj Mahal. Talk about monkey on your back. This one has a huge chip on his shoulder. He didn't even take the time to get to know me before deciding I was worthless. Hence the arse in the air..

Yep - on a camel. The one I've previously posted about - Raju. He's right up there with angry monkeys. How's my riding style though? As long as he doesn't move. Three days galloping(ish) through a desert in India..well, lets just say there was chafing.

This thing landed near my friend - just fell out of the Cambodian sky. Was almost the size of his hand.  Waitress laughed hysterically at our fright. It bit her and drew blood. We laughed hysterically at her pain.

Iguana in Thailand. Yes, he was alive. When he breathed, I almost dropped him. Then we went to happy hour.

Thai cockroaches - quite hard to tell from American or New Zealand cockroaches as they don't have much of an accent. Let that be a lesson to you, cockroaches. You will not wander through my packet of peanuts without consequences. Actually you will since I ran screaming from the room and left my boyfriend to dose them with a can of fly spray.

Pronounced Hairy Coo in Scotland. Way up north we had a face-off with this cow type bull thing. By mutual agreement we reversed. Well, he stayed where he was...

Snake skin. Turns out I do not know how to cure snake skins and make them into shoes. After two days it will stink and rot. Yes, I know you all hate me but in rural China, it was the equivalent of a chicken.

Snake blood wine. Snake tastes like nothing and the most disappointing part about this was they handed me the snake to hold onto and while I was holding him, cut off his head with a pair of scissors. That's why there are no photos of me and actual live snake. I got the aftermath.

Mmm, bag of scorpions to go, thanks. China, you have the best snacks. So easy to travel with.

Elephant Island - New Delhi, India. I know what you're thinking. Dangerous incident with elephant where I was either nearly trampled to death or picked up in it's trunk so it could do trunk curls. Before eating me. Makes a good story but no. Monkeys...lots of monkeys attacking you. Which is why there is no photo...

More Nemeses

• Cobwebs - it's not even the spiders, it's that you can't see what your face is covered in and removing them is like trying to brush your hair with boxing gloves on*. Also, it's the spiders. Because they might turn into cockroaches.**

• Valet Parking - they always open the door before you have all your stuff so your exit is awkward and rushed and when in a dress, unladylike. And heaven help me if I'm wearing heels as well. I may as well just open the door and fall out. This has happened and let me tell you, it's very hard to come back from and look dignified. And then you can never go there again. I never have the right change AND money for a tip so then it becomes a "hi - here's $2 in quarters and a $1 in pennies.  I put it in this plastic sandwich bag for your convenience". Also, I feel like they don't like my music because it's always turned off when I get back in. There are a lot of places I can never go back to because of valet parking.

• Quicksand - ever since Tarzan got trapped in it, I've had a fear of quicksand. It's like bears, you're just not sure what you can and can't do. Although I don't recommend the fetal position in quicksand and that's my go to when threatened by a bear. Which has never happened. But I believe in practice. Oddly enough, quicksand seemed like a bigger threat when I was kid and felt the danger of running into it was always imminent***.

Despite all my fears, I firmly believe that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except bears. Bears will kill you.

*Verified - I tried just to make sure this was valid. Just finished cutting hair brush out of hair. Which can also not be done with boxing gloves on. Very little can be done. Punching is fine though.
**Unsubstantiated but it's only a matter of time
***Quicksand has never been found in my home town. Which doesn't even make it close to imminent. It makes it very far away and unlikely. Which is exactly when quicksand will get you.

Weekly Round-up

• Cruise to Mexico is back on and booked despite the Government trying to shut me down. Turns out you can have three to a room for the same price.  When I get a roadblock thrown at me like that, I like to fall apart, bemoan how unlucky I am and announce that my life is over while stomping out of the room and slamming the door.  Surprisingly enough, there's usually a solution.  Which makes my dramatics look a little overly dramatic.  So, apologies to the Government and I take back the stomp and slam.
• Audience Stats - To my friends and followers in Iceland - "sefshfjshf!"*. Also welcome to Vanuatu, Spain, South Korea and Afghanistan.  
• Blog Monetary fund: Empty.
• Tupperware - still have 17 round containers and 2 square lids.  Willing to trade for a lot of money** to add to aforementioned Blog Monetary Fund.
• Achievements/Hobbies: 

1. Cake Decorating - Level: Extreme (know your limits). 
2. Blind Putting-Up - Level: Not Quite Competent (currently stapled to wall)
3. Earthquake Training & Awareness - Level: Pretty Good As Long As I Can Take My Purse.  
4. Parenting - Level: Gold Star for Imaginary Children (B- for cat due to eye incident)
5. Dating - Level: Could Use some Work. 
6. Guitar Playing - Level: Fail***

• Cockroach -seems to have left of his own volition.  I left a picture lying around of dead cockroaches to send a message.  I think he went out the cat door and down the ramp.  

 

• Albert got his first fan mail - he was sent a packet of Mickey Mouse band-aids by a friend who was concerned that Hello Kitty was damaging his manly reputation**** - so the next time he has a booboo and his eye falls out or his leg falls off, I'll slap on a mickey band-aid and call it good.

*Not a word. Made it up. Testing them to see if they're paying attention
**A lot of money is probably a billion, I think.
***Although have not actually started.  I decided to teach myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision, cause I didn't know how to play it. So I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.
 ****To be fair, I did have him neutered so his lack of manliness is partly my fault. I had his reproductive man parts ripped out so it's possible it's not his fault that he's such a pussy.

Nemesis - The First On the List

I have nemesis's. Nemesisi? Nemesisses? Nemeses? What the hell do I have if I have more than one?? What I am trying to say is that I have several things that I am in mortal terror of and can also now add "pluralization"*. According to the dictionary, nemesis" is something that is your downfall. Which sounds about right when I think about cake.

However, my biggest nemesis is this...the cockroach. Recently, this morning, while lying prone on the couch trying to recover from making breakfast, I noticed out of the corner of my eye, a cockroach. Let me be clear, this is the first cockroach I have seen in my house since I moved to LA and is in no way a reflection of my cleaning habits which my mother can attest to being obsessive. I learned everything I know from her. If you pay someone to come and clean your house, you must clean it thoroughly yourself first so that they do not think you are pigs. If you are going on vacation, you must vacuum the ceilings. Regardless of how high and difficult it is, you must get up on ladders and scaffolding and wash your windows - fear of falling and killing yourself is second to fear of people seeing your dirty windows. Also, in case the Queen comes to visit, you must always have freshly washed floors and you can't use a mop, you must get down on your hands and knees. Because the more pain you are in, the cleaner it will be.

Anyway. I don't like cockroaches - nobody does but I have a mortal fear of them. Spiders are fine but cockroaches will kill you**. We get a lot of them in New Zealand and my mother will tackle the shit out of them - they run when they see her. This one saw me and raised its middle finger***. I looked at him and yelled "release the hounds". But, I don't have hounds. I also don't think they attack cockroaches but I had to do something effective****. Then I got the cat, placed his right (and only) eye in front of the cockroach and gave the attack command. He looked at the cockroach, then at me and went to his safe place under the couch. I am starting to question his usefulness. In anything.

So I have done the only thing I can do, called my mother to fly out and fix the problem. I've packed a bag and I'll be at the hotel down the road until the situation is resolved.

*Thought it wasn't a word, looked it up, is a word. Faced my fear and no longer have plurals on the nemesis list.
**Not confirmed by anyone but me because one of them told me he would kill me and he was very convincing.
***Cockroaches have very small fingers that you can't see. Probably.
****Not effective