Things Not To Do On A Cruise Ship

1. Get on.  Especially if you see children. Just get off. Immediately. And take all the adults with you.  Let that boat sail off with just children on board.  You'll thank me later.
2. Buy the pre-paid drinks package. When you do the math*, you will realize that you just need to drink 7 drinks every night to make it worth your while. You will worry about the 15 drink maximum being a little low until after the first night when you realize you made it to 3.
3. Make conversation with the nice old guy at the bar next to you. You will then spend the next six days dodging him.  Even though he has a pool in the OC and you are allowed to use it any time.
4. Gamble. Except if you are me and you win $450 after one button push. I am so good at gambling.  I don't know what all the fuss is about.  Gambling is easy.
5. Gamble. If you are me and you don't know how to play Blackjack because there are a lot of mathematical equations. And people are very impatient and will not wait for you to get out your calculator. And counting cards is not as easy as it's cracked up to be**. 
6. Swim in the kids pool.  In the kids pool, there is water, children...and other stuff.
7. Drugs.  The fact that I had to put that on the list says something.
8. Be late back to the ship after being in port all day.  And definitely don't try and smuggle tequila on board. And definitely don't say that you're late back because you were trying to smuggle tequila on board.
9. Follow the sexy guitar player around and make friends with his family.  Pretty safe to say I am on their Xmas card list.  But banned from being within 25ft of him.  Which is fine because he can still hear me and see me waving.  And stuff.
10. Wait until your friend is in the bathroom before you decide you have to vomit.  Because then you have two options - (a) do it over the side, which does not lead to the ocean below. Just the next deck.  And the life boats. Or (b) use the trash can.  Lets just say - a little of column a and a little of column b.
11. Take all your bags to the lifeboat drill.  Apparently, if there is an accident and you have to leave the ship, you cannot bring your bags with you.  Not even your carry-on.  Which is unreasonable because that has my hair straightener and I need that. 
12. The old guy that looks like he was the drummer for Steppenwolf***. 
13. Try and go to the front of the line.  There are very strict rules about standing in line and line etiquette and whatever you do, don't try and save a sun-lounger for your friend who just went to the bathroom.  Cruise-goers are professionals at muttering under and over their breath.  Also they will throw you overboard if they don't get their way
14. Sing along with the Piano Bar player.  You might know all the words to Bohemian Rhapsody but that doesn't mean you should sing them in public.  You also will think you know the words to La Bamba until you actually try and sing it in public.  "Blah, blah, blah blah La Bamba...something, something soy marinero...yada yada, bam bam bamba..."
15. Win at the casino. Let me tell you, when you lose, you will get chocolate covered strawberries, cookies and wine.  You win.  Nothing.  Well, the money you won but definitely no thanks for playing.

*Don't panic, someone else actually did the math.  When I did it, I had us coming out with a profit and bonuses.
**Also, I don't know what to count - the actual cards, the numbers on the cards, the people at the table, the drinks I am not drinking? 
***Also, he will take your hands and twirl you around.  And then your hands will smell like old man and you will have to hold them at a distance until you can scrub old man smell off them.  And people will wonder why you are strange

It's Xmas!

Meri Kirihimete! Or more appropriately since I'm in Mexico "Feliz Navidad"! I have a gift for languages*.

Since it's Xmas Day and I am on a cruise ship, in a food coma, about to have a shipboard romance** and in a bathing suit***, I wish you all the best and thank you for reading. Have a great day all...

*It's kind of a one phrase gift. Which means I can travel internationally. But not very successfully.
**Actually one of these things is not true. Despite best efforts.
***It's a known fact that you can't write while in a bikini. There's nowhere to put your pen.

Flow Chart of How the Government Shutdown Has Affected Me...

For those that I have upset by making light of the situation, please refer to my serious political blog that I haven't written for my real viewpoint.

I actually didn't think that the Government Shutdown would have such a direct impact on me. But, here we are.  Bear with me as I need to provide some background.  Since it's too expensive to go home to New Zealand for Xmas and I don't have enough vacation time to make it worth the expensive, I've been looking for alternative Yuletide options.

I found the perfect solution - a Xmas cruise to Mexico. With my statutory holidays and only a couple of days leave, I can go on a 6 day cruise to Cabo and Puerta Vallarta. Everything is organized for me and it includes all my food.  I can gamble in a floating casino - if I knew how to and had someone else's money to spend*.  I can sing karaoke - if I could sing more than a monotone and a high pitched squeal.  Eat anything I like - as long as it's gluten-free. Also I am allergic to food and frequently break out in fat. I can play mini-golf - except for my tuberculosis arm (see previous blog post).  Go to the gym** and do sporting activities. I play sports***. Sounds perfect, right?

However, I didn't much fancy going on my own. Old men are partial to Kirsten and I didn't want an awkward incident with Santa. So, I asked my friend if she wanted to come, which of course she did and she invited two more to the party. Now, one of the friends works for Homeland Security and if you're very smart you can probably make the connection about how this is all going to end. And for the rest of you...I'm very pleased that Mr Homeland Security is coming as he will be able to protect us from danger. Obviously on a cruise there are ninjas and pirates and lasers and shit. But here's the kicker, he's been waiting to find out if he has a job in the Caribbean so he can figure out timing. So I had to sit and wait patiently, which I am excellent at. I restricted myself to asking if he's heard anything just twice a day. Which is not annoying at all. 

Our target date to book was the beginning of October which coincides with when he will hear back - any later and we might not be able to get accommodation. Unfortunately the Government's target date to screw with my plans was also the beginning of October. So now they have shut down without asking me how I feel about it and Homeland Security cannot sit there and make an employment decision because that would constitute thinking and thinking means working and they are not allowed to think work.

So I hear you thinking (which you are allowed to do as long as you don't work for the Government), there must be a solution to this - why don't you just book your own cabins and hope that your own private security detail can join you and there will still be availability.  Well, because single occupancy is as much as what it is costing us to have the Government shut down. 

*Hi Someone else.  Please send money.
**Don't be ridiculous, I'm on vacation. Honestly, I wish someone would do something about how lazy I am. I really felt like I wanted to work out this morning but then I wanted to not workout more. So...
***No I don't.

1 Ridiculous. No one says no to me, especially when I am accompanied by a giant boat full of fun, food and stuff that I don’t even know about yet.

So, in conclusion, the Government has ruined Xmas. 

FYI - I fully support Obama and when I say Government, I mean everyone involved that ruined Xmas. To my Republican readers - hi. Please keep reading my blog.