Earthquake Survival Kit

My sister-in-law and I have had a conversation several times about getting an Earthquake Survival Kit ready as we both live in very earthquake prone areas and think it would be an excellent idea. And then we don't. But it is a very good idea and one day we will be very sorry.

I've even gone as far as looking up what should go into a kit but seemed like it missed some essential items so I'm making my own list.  For the sake of this "experiment" I'm assuming that I am buried under rubble in my house*. 

If anyone wants me to make them an Earthquake Survival Kit, I will give you the Friends & Family discount of 1%.  Please let me know if you want it in Pink or Blue.

*Am unsure if it's lucky that I live on the ground floor so will not be collapsing with the house, however house will be collapsing on me.

Weddings - Thoughts and Advice

I've been to a few weddings this summer and I think that qualifies me to give wedding advice.
 
Things I like about weddings:

1. You thought I was going to say free food and alcohol. Hah! 
2. Free food and alcohol
3. Wearing pretty dresses

Things I don't like about weddings:

1. Shaking hands and kissing babies
2. None of the gifts are for me
3. Holding stomach in all night after you ate too much and gave yourself a food baby.

Dessert at Weddings:
If you don't have any, I am not coming. Do you think cake travels well? Probably not. I went to this wedding recently and they had pies. Which was a great idea but not as good as MY pie idea. I wanted individual pies and I wanted apple and cherry and they decided to have the pies they wanted. What? I was going to fill my clutch with mini pies. Probably travels better than cake. Cos they have their own lids. Cake in a pocket is a bad idea.  But better than mousse.

Things I would like you to provide for me at your wedding:

1. Gift bags. With diamonds. And cake. And mini pies.
2. Single men.

Things to release at weddings:

1. Doves
2. Butterflies
3. Confetti
4. Bubbles

Things not to release at a wedding:

1. Prisoners
2. Gas
3. The Kraken

Notes for the wedding:

1. You know how when you were in kindergarten and when you went somewhere you always had to hold another kids hand and they were your safety buddy? Get one of those each for the wedding, they can remind you that you don’t have pants on, pull the piece of toilet paper off your shoe, un-tuck your dress from inside your undies etc 
2. Remember to eat –you paid for this food – get some. And then get some more. And pack some cake for the road. Or pies. See above.
3. Don’t do a special choreographed wedding “Thriller” dance.
4. Sorry I thought your “Thriller” dance idea was bad. I’m sure it will be awesome.
5. Wear Pants
6. Guests – if you don’t know your date’s last name, it wasn’t a good idea to bring them.

Notes on how to have a successful marriage:

1. If you’re going to fight, make sure you win. This will not work for one of you 
2. Don’t restrict shopping budgets. Be broke together
3. Don’t read self-help or relationship books. No good can come of knowing what each other is thinking.
4. If you decide to have kids, practice on an animal first but remember, you can put a collar and leash on a dog and drag it around the neighborhood, but not a child. Not legally anyway. Also you can’t leave a bowl of food and water out and go away for the weekend. Until they are 3.
5. No one’s butt looks big in anything and you have no opinion about it.
6. Go on many vacations. See many things. Take turns picking the destination (then if you have a stink time, you can hold it over the others head and be a martyr while acting magnanimously which is the key to a successful marriage)
7. Plant a tree. When you are old, you can sit under it and reminisce about your life together. Don’t get a slow-growing tree; you will look stupid lying down in order to fit under it.
8. Ignore all of this advice, it is untested.

Bold Claims - Signage Gone Wrong

Nothing says "Welcome" like barbed wire

Claim Verified: No

I'll tell you what it can't do, it can't make a blog pay your bills...

Claim Verified: No

Do not actually clean crowns.  Or tiaras

Claim Verified: No

If by "Majestic you mean "ordinary and same as everywhere else", then yes.

 Claim Verified: See above

 

Never heard of them in New Zealand.  Therefore, not world-famous

Claim Verified: No

Very true - I tried soliciting and I was asked to leave

Claim Verified: Yes

This building is very smart - it "allegedly" has a PhD.  Unclear in what field

Claim Verified: No

So I did and now I can't fit in these jeans.

Claim Verified: No

For the alcoholic in your life.  Unable to substantiate claim that recovery gifts were indeed "InStyle" as I have no one to purchase for...

Claim Verified: No

Marketing Campaign: Level No.

Claim Verified: Afraid to

I'm sorry, I didn't know we were doing this together.  I wasn't paying attention...

Claim Verified: No

I think they could have safely left out the "sex" part and still come to the same conclusion...

Claim Verified: Not in person because I'm not allowed to do meth but I'm going to say yes

I'm not sure how you measure this.  It was right next store to Gay Frisbee which seemed to be giving it a run for its money.

Claim Verified: No

Well which is it - shoe repair or keys?

Claim Verified: No

Difficulty of Reverse: High.  Duration of Reverse: Long.  Honking of Horns: Unnecessary.  We all know what we did...

Claim Verified: Yes

Do not actually clean villages.  And do not find it amusing to be asked...

Claim Verified: No

I checked and they clean other stuff too.

Claim Verified: Yes

As opposed to "Work Time Liquor" or "Day Time Liquor" or "Quiet Time Liquor"? 

Claim Verified:Yes

Hah! A Likely Story*. 

*Might actually be a likely story as unable to translate...

Are these the things you can get at this clinic?

Claim Verified: No - because I didn't want to try

"The Last Great Hamburger Stand"

I think not - this is right across the street and it has customers...

Claim Verified: No

Hi.  Come someone come and get me.

Claim Verified: Yes

Umm, looks above ground to me...

Claim Verified: No

More like: SQUEEZE BODY IN. JUST DO UP TOP BUTTON. TRY NOT TO MOVE. NOD SLOWLY. CRY

Claim Verified: No