Cool Things to Do.

1. You know what would be a cool thing for a celebrity to do? Ask a regular person if they can take a picture with them. I'm going to start asking regular people if they'll be in my photo*
2. Borrow a white van**, park it on a busy road, get out your hair dryer and point it at cars. Watch them slow down for the "speed camera".
3. Give money to blogs that aren't making any money***
4. Quit your job and run away****
5. Take an aerial silks and trapeze class. You will think you look sexy doing it until you see the picture your friend took and you realize, you look like a corgi in a blanket. You will hang from the silks by one foot. By accident. And then thank your lucky stars that the silks are secured and you are not in fact being dragged by a horse.
6. Put as many Hershey Kisses into your mouth as you can. And then dare your brother to try and beat you. This is only cool for a little while and then you will choke and vomit chocolate on the carpet and your mother will be very mad. But you will win. 19.
7. Pluck out all your eyebrow hairs*****
8. Put a tent up in your living room. Then you will have a tent in your living room.
9. Form an alternative rock band. People will either love you or hate you. Or they will think you are OK.
10. Make a new friend******.  It's not called stalking. It's called friendship.  

*Also, I am referring to myself as a celebrity now. Just play along.
**Well, I don't know - try the white van shop.
***This is different from begging, this is a recommendation.  Also, I will unfriend you on Facebook if you don't.  But, it's just a suggestion...
****Sometimes I confuse cool with irresponsible.  Also, sometimes I think I am cool. And then I trip over and realize, nope, still just me.
*****Not really cool, just want to see if I have anyone blindly taking my advice.  In which case.  Give me money.
******Dear New Friend - do you ever feel like you're being watched? If it's bothering you, I'll stop...

An Open Letter to Craig's List Buyers

Dear Craig’s List Bike Buyer,

When I put my bike on Craig’s List for $50, $50 is what I meant. So when you emailed and offered $5, that was the first indication that we weren’t on the same page. When I told you that I had 4 other offers all willing to pay $50, you begged me to hold it for you and promised you would be right over to collect it, so I agreed. By “right over”, I thought you meant 20 minutes although I would have been ok with an hour – it is LA traffic after all. However four hours is stretching it a little - especially when you kept texting to say you were almost there. By “almost there”, I thought you meant, "almost there". And by “there”, I thought you meant, "here". Which you were not. Which I realized when you asked if I was anywhere near San Diego.

It is only your good luck that I am lazy and could not be bothered dealing with anyone else. So, I waited. When you finally arrived you texted me – “I’m here”. I wondered how to respond. “Congratulations” seemed insincere and not really warranted. Since you had my address, I presumed you would come to the door and knock. I was wrong. Because then I got another text to say that not only were you here but you were across the street in a white van and could I bring the bike over. No. I am not going to your shifty dodgy van so you can bundle me and my bike in and kidnap me. Even if you sent a ransom note and even if Albert could use an ATM and was allowed to cross the street on his own, I don’t even have any money so that was a terrible idea of yours. When I told you to come over and get it for yourself, your response of “...there’s no parking here after 8pm without a permit” seemed suspicious, although law-abiding. Which you are clearly not since you are a Craig's List bike-buying kidnapper.

After several more rounds of texting, we agreed that we would both come to my front porch at the same time. I brought the bike. You brought the $100 bill that you had no change for. Nor did I. Then you tried the old “I have is $30, will you take that?” trick. No. I’m sorry, did I mention what I do for a living? I don’t negotiate with anyone, let alone kidnapping Craig’s List bike-buyers.  So you left in your white kidnapping van to go get change.

I recall exactly when you returned because you texted me this cryptic message “I’m back. I’m parked across the street in a white van.” Bike is all yours - don't let me hear it was later used in a kidnapping...

Regards,

Karen (did you seriously think I would give you my real name? I know how this kidnapping gig works)

PS. You should have done your research – I bought that bike 6 years ago for $100. If my calculations are correct, I made an estimated profit of $1,034*

*Unlikely to be correct since there was long division involved and I forgot how to do that. Other factors taken into consideration during calculations included miles, depreciation, lack of usage appreciation, road taxes, capital expenditure (whatever that is) and the cost of the lock still stuck on the bike because I forgot the combination. 

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