The Real Story of How Albert Lost His Eye

Disclaimer: Not cats were harmed in the writing of this blog post, however they did get very annoyed and one of us is bleeding.
 
Sit down, let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, this morning, my cat's eye fell out.*

A long, long time ago, last year,** Albert was outside playing in the back yard at his house*** in Beaverton, Oregon when a feral cat jumped him from behind. The cats name was Franco****. Apparently they had some beef over the property line?

By the time I got home from work, he was facing the wrong way on the couch, crying and his iris was bulging out. I immediately did what every good parent does and YouTubed how to poke cats iris back in.  Surprisingly little out there.  This was one of those times when a Hello Kitty band-aid is just not enough to fix it. Yes, that is normally how I fix him - stick a couple of band-aids on and neosporin him every time he walks past.

Problem solved

Dear Neosporin - I gave you a free plug, how about you do the same for me?

A little too late...this is his resigned look after about an hour of me chasing him around sticking band-aids on and trying to take his picture

Thank goodness for the internet (what did people do before when their cats eye fell out?) because with a little searching, I found a place that specializes in cats eyes and we drove across the city in the dark and the howling wind and rain. Pretty sure both of us were crying at this point. Granted, he had more to cry about. But I've always been a sympathetic crier - what really kills me is the senseless fake deaths of actors on TV shows. Tragic.

Once we finally arrived, I rushed him in and the receptionist took one look, grabbed the intercom and announced "Triage to reception, triage to reception". The vet bore him away and I pulled myself together by sitting in a puddle of tears. An hour or so of waiting and I was ready to poke out my own eye. Finally the vet came out to break the news. We've had to remove his right fore-leg. Umm, I brought him in with a lacerated eyeball.  I think you've made a mistake, I'm going to need you to put that back.

So then they brought me in to see him and I redirected them to the right cat - he was doped up on morphine and completely in love with me. Rubbing his manky, crusty, half eye on me (yet to be removed, scheduled for the op in the morning), I was ready just to write-off being a parent. The eye was removed, the eyelid cut back and six months later the fur grew over the top of it and you'd never know there used to be an eye there. He certainly doesn't. In fact he forgot about twenty minutes after the removed it which makes me question his intelligence a little. Which is mean because as a parent, you're supposed to think yours are the bestest and smartest as evidenced by those car stickers "My kid is an honor roll student at XXX school". Thinking of getting one for Albert "My cat lost his eye but even before that happened he was dumber than your honor roll kid but he's a cat so it's not a very good comparison and maybe your kid isn't that smart if he's only smarter than a one-eyed cat.  Catchy, right?

So, the only side effects I've noticed are when I'm on his left side and I call him, he can't figure out where the voice is coming from. Soon as he turns his head, he's all "Oh hey - what's up".

*Not true. Contrary to popular belief, Albert's eye did not fall out one day. Also for those who are wondering, it hasn't grown back.
**Also not true but sounds good.
*** Again, a lie. Albert doesn't have a house, he's a cat. He doesn't even have pockets to put his house key in.
**** His name wasn't Franco, it was "cat".  He's feral, feral cats don't care about names, they care about ripping eyeballs out. 

Eyes Wide Shut

Both open except that one of them is no longer in his eye socket

I Work Out

So, for those that don't know - I have a trainer, well actually I have two. They tag team the torture. My trainer or coach as he prefers to be called runs All Out Effort. I've spent a lot of time molding them into doing things my way. I now have a very positive mindset when I train.

An AOE workout

1. Set appointment with Sam (Coach and Owner)
2. Negotiate time that is not ridiculous o’clock in the morning
3. Agree to ridiculous o’clock time in the morning
4. Dread all week
5. Alarm goes off. Weep softly. Get up and vow not to do this again
6. Arrive in middle of night - read sign on entrance regarding negative thoughts and leaving them there at the door
7. Punch sign in its stupid positive face
8. Come in and grunt greetings at other poor souls
9. Start foot stretches on rocks and tennis balls. Complete and tell Sam you think that’s enough for one day
10. Apparently he does not
11. Continue with workout. Against better judgment
12. Start foam roll routine and remind self that this is painful but doesn’t compare with what’s to come. Rest head gently on foam roller, just for a minute. Get caught…
13. Start Mobility exercises: roll around on floor, trying to look mobile. Ask for help up off floor.
14. Choose one of the lesser of three evils: Treadmill, Climber, Bike. Choose lying on floor for quick disco nap. Get up off floor after being told that is not an option.
15. Start workout: swings (recommend that everyone ducks, those kettlebells have a habit of leaving my hand. Mostly because I let go of them.  On purpose), planks (the exercise that everyone thinks they look good doing. And don’t), rolly ball ab agony things (I think you know what I mean), squats (where once you get down there, going up is not all it's cracked up to be) and everyone’s favorite, stupid burpees (right?). Wonder how I can possibly go on...
16. Put $1 in "Whine Bucket".  Protest about legitimacy of whine.  Put another $1 in.  
17. Hear those precious words: You can stretch now.
18. Consider the alternative: work-out with Cindy (Coach 2). Decide to leave that for another day. Called never.

Dating Tips 2

I'm trying something new - a different dating app every week. Last week it was "How About We". You upload your profile and then you create dates starting with "How about we..."  If someone is interested in your date then they can send you an actual message or notify you that they are "intrigued" by the date idea. At which point, nothing else happens.  It's very effective.

I have a demographic - turns out I am very attractive to the 26 and below market and 51 and above - all the way to 68. So far no one has responded to any of my dates:

1. How About We...shoot ourselves
2. How About We...not do this
3. How About We...pick someone our own age
4. How About We...get matching tattoos 

So far I have received one notable message - from someone who is allegedly a native English speaker and according to his profile, has a Masters degree, although in what is unclear but I will hazard a guess that it's not Communication. I have added comments where necessary so that you can understand his message and please note, I have not interfered with his grammar or spacing at all...

How are u doing today?my (requires a capital M) name is David and just come across you.1 (sometimes a 1 can be substituted for an I) must confess,your profile has really captured my attention I am very kind gentle and understanding to live with (apparently we are moving in together) ,am here looking for sincere,honest caring and loving woman (not it) to spend the rest of my life with,I come across your (my what?) and am very interested in getting to know you and I believe as time comes you and I will be able to create a rap ore ( A what? A sharp knock and some mineral deposits?) between us and can you tell me a bit about you (No.) and what are you looking for in a relationship partner?take care and have a great day, (and just when you thought he was done...)I would also love to spend time talking to you online to see how we can get closer to each other because as you can see communication is the best key to every relationship (I certainly can).If you are also serious and looking for something serious as i have let you know am looking for,you can send me mail to XXXXX (I deleted this because I know my friends and he doesn't deserve the emails you were going to send him)and i look forward to hear from you soon.

I know - you all think I'm mean and picky.  I am. 

This week it was Swoon - you flick through photos of people and yay or nay them - the only info you get is whether you have any Facebook friends in common, their age, location and whether you have mutual FB likes. They can't tell that you have looked at them unless they "swoon" over you too, in which case, I imagine you go on to get married and have a perfect life. Not one man older than 36. I lasted 2 hours.

Previously I tried Coffee and Bagel which is supposed to set you up with friends of friends from FB which is a lie. At noon every day, females get sent a "Bagel" and you decide whether you want to accept your "bagel" or pass. I'm allergic to wheat so this one wasn't for me.

So, if you think you have a better one and you want me to test it out for you.  No.

The Day The Blog Post Died...i.e. Yesterday

And by died, I mean deleted by an idiot*. Who then used their technical skills gained from their career in digital technology to recover it...and by recover, I mean rewrite from scratch. Turns out I don't know how to access the Google server and retrieve my one blog post from the lines and lines of code. In fact I don't even know if what I just wrote would be a viable solution. And by viable solution, I mean...I don't know what I mean, I was just trying to keep in my theme of "and by...". Themes are hard.

Several of you thought this was a blog post in itself when I notified you on Facebook of the untimely demise of the blog post. And I thought, what a great idea. And then as I started to write it, I realized this: wrote blog post, deleted it, started over, posted it. The end.
*He's not really an idiot. He's a cat. And he just pushed the wrong button by mistake**
 **Lie.  Blamed the cat for my mistake.

Special K - What Does it Really Mean?

When I first came up with the name, I was really just thinking about me and how I am special. I am. My Mum said so. And Albert thinks I'm special too. And...well, that's just two people (a cat can be a people, if you don't have real people) but that's a very good start. I really wasn't thinking about the cereal and how I would have to fight with a corporate giant about keeping my blog name once I became famous. However, since I have a very strong argument for keeping the name - "I am special. I am. My Mum said so. And Albert thinks I'm special too" - it shouldn't be an issue. Thank goodness I have a law degree and could come up with such a logical and cohesive argument.

irsten

But, turns out, there's another definition for Special K - apparently it's also an anesthetic used by vets primarily for sedating horses. Also very popular in the 90's as a rave drug with the downside being that ..."If you took too much K or took it all alone, you would crash into this state where it was almost impossible to snap out of whatever scenario was running in your head and bodily movement was next to impossible."* Which sounds a lot like dead to me.

*http://gawker.com/5880557/ketamine-is-the-worlds-dumbest-drug

Obviously, I do not condone the use of Special K (unless by Special K, you mean me but I also do not condone the use of using me) or any other drug. When advised by my legal representative, which is me, on the stance to take, I advised myself to take a firm position. This is a serious matter and I have issued the following statement.

This has been a public service announcement by Special K, akaspecialK who is very responsible and you can totally leave your children with her.  They will not end up doing drugs, however, I can not be responsible for returning them with both their eyes.

When I started this blog thing, I didn't think I'd have to be more popular than cereal or a horsy drug. This is a cutthroat world we live in and competition is tough. So, I have come up with reasons as to why I am better than both cereal and Ketamine:

1. I am wheat and gluten-free
2. I am more fun than being at a rave on ketamine - I play Scrabble, knit and can bang out Chopsticks on the piano albeit with a few pauses.  Good times
3. I am not a chunky powder that is pale yellow. Neither of which sounds appealing
4. When you overdose on me, bodily movement will not be next to impossible. I don't know what this means.
5. Ketamine is a downer - I am also a downer so this is a poor example.
6. I was not introduced to the USA in 1956, it was 1973. Everyone** agrees it was a much better year.
7. My Special K Challenge*** has better prizes.
8. I do not come in ten different varieties. Just one. A really good one. No comments, please

**In addition to calling myself "The Doctor" and "Legal Representation", I am also calling myself "Everyone".
***I don't have a Special K Challenge.  Anyone want one?
 
Dedication - Thank you to the two people that alerted me to the fact that I'd named my award-winning blog**** after a drug and for the idea for this post. You know who you are. Thank you everyone else for letting them know since they don't read this. No monies will be paid for the idea, however I do have 17 round Tupperware containers, 2 square lids for trade. I'd offer up the South Koreans but they already left.

****Award awarded by me

Blogging Workshop

So, last weekend I decided to take a blogging workshop (Writing Pad) in the hopes of finding out the mystery behind making money off a blog, how to expand my audience and how to get my movie/book deal.

Wasn't sure how these things were supposed to work but thought maybe similar to AA or one of those other organizations where you announce yourself by acknowledging your shortcomings? So, I boldly walked into the workshop and proclaimed "My name is Kirsten and I am a blogger." Not how it's done.  However, I made tons of friends and my blog went viral and now I have a 3 book deal and a movie trilogy underway*

*Not exactly true. Or at all true. Actually, a lie. Not even a dream sequence. I'm sorry. My name is Kirsten and I am a Liar.

It was pretty interesting to hear people talk about their blogs - they had subjects they were passionate about, specific issues they were going to address that related to their topic, an idea of their target audiences and what readers would get from their blog. I was also able to answer those questions:

1. My Blog is about: nothing of any use to anyone 
2. I am passionate about: it making money without me having to do anything
3. My specific issues are: random, unrelated and just a place for me to stick things I am thinking about so I can sleep at night. 
4. My target audience is: everyone - I can't afford to be fussy. Fine. My cat. Fine. My Mum. 
5. Readers will get the following from my blog:

• Handyman tips that will result in a trip to the ER
• Beauty tips that will disfigure them
• Travel tips that will land them in a foreign jail
• Maybe a herpe
• Business services performed by me with questionable standards and results
• Dating and relationship advice that will not end well for anyone
• General words of wisdom that are not

On a slightly related note, I've lost my 2 readers in South Korea but picked up 5 from Iceland so think the workshop has paid off.  I don't know who you are but thank you, Iceland. 

Retouching of Photos

Retouching of photos is a big deal these days - there's a lot of controversy over magazines doing unnecessary editing that serves to make the rest of us feel like we will never attain these standards of perfection. Retouching is done for a variety of reasons - in the fashion world, it's to make models look thinner, have more perfect skin, hair and legs that go on for miles. In other industries, it's to create a certain look that simply wasn't available to be captured at the time or to add a prop that enhances the message they're trying to get across. Below are some examples of where it all went terribly wrong:

When thumbs just want to do their own thing...

When the top part of your leg is optional...

When you won't let go of that special someone...

I love all of Adam Levine and I respectfully ask that you give him back his right side.

Auditioned for Exorcist. Didn't get it...

Now we all feel a little better about ourselves. Oops, I did it again - said something mean...

Hi - can someone help me? My hand fell off at the wrist...

You're probably wondering why I felt the need to write about such a lighthearted topic given the usual seriousness and complexity of my regular posts, particularly in light of the Government shutdown today. Which I would have written about if I knew what it was about. Buy, Buy, Sell, Sell! Yes?

So, the reason for all this is a cunning self-promotion gambit, in addition to all the money coming in from the blog, I've decided to offer another service - Photo Retouching. Feel free to send in your photos if you need some assistance. I think at $1087/photo, you'll find my rates reasonable, especially when you see the quality of the work in my portfolio samples below.

In this photo, I've accentuated the blue of my eyes and made the lips a little pinker to add some color to the photo - they're subtle differences but they enhance the overall quality of the snapshot for a more natural look.

To showcase the nature aspect of this photo, the toenails were touched up to tone down the blue and replace them with a color that blends better with the butterfly. It really puts the focus back on the insect so that everything else becomes more muted. You can hardly see that there are people in the pool..

In this holiday picture, it's clear that I didn't get there in a car - although on occasion, I wear a helmet in a car. Safety first. The photographer obviously wasn't able to fit the bike in the photo so I took the liberty of cleverly sketching an exact replica to provide some context for anyone looking at it and wondering what is going on.

I took the opportunity in this photo to give myself a trimmer figure by shaving off my sides and blending the colors for a near impossible image of perfection. I also added a belt and some modesty.

Call me.