Honestly, This Is The Last One...

Today is my last day ever in the online dating world. I'm celebrating by sharing these gems with you.

So this is nice.  Apparently he got mad that I didn't respond to his first pleasant greeting.  Over time I've learned that if you're not interested, you should just not engage as things can turn nasty as you try and explain why you're not actually in love with them after an initial hello.  Apparently they can turn nasty whether you respond or not.  If you're wondering why I didn't respond: 1. Lives 200 miles away 2. Is 27 3. Is looking for a "good christian woman" when my profile clearly says agnostic (possibly he thought he could turn me?).  Update on his love status: He has been banned from this site so will not be finding love any time soon.  No one calls me "bitch" and walks away without consequences...

There are a lot of things wrong with this.  No woman in their right mind is going to be attracted to a man whose screen name is "TOMCAT".  He claims to have an advanced degree - I'm willing to bet, it's not in Communication and does not involve the ability to write proper English.  Also, I deleted his email address but it's a "hot male" one.  Intentional pun or just a stupid man - you be the judge.  Finally, not only is he looking for a woman in his life, he is also looking for a fish farmer wife to labor for him.  

Really?  Yes, it did.  It was a f*%$ing long way.

Yes, I am sweet.  Except to the one that called me "Bitch".  And some others.  Dear.

Now I have dogs writing to me?  I've always wanted a husky.

Just the two requirements then?

And by "solid" do you mean you are a barrel of a man or you put in a solid performance?  Thinking of hooking him up with the guy above who's looking for a fish farmer wife.  Seems like this one has a lot of experience.

Thank goodness because I am not accepting applications from any weaklings.  I'll go as far as "strong as a St Bernard" but am really holding out hope for an Ox.  Also I like that his perfect match is very clearly spelled out.  You can have any other characteristics as long as you fulfill those.

Oh I don't know - maybe the next time you don't live 2138 miles away.  And yes, I know if I'm attracted to you.  I am not.

And for the finale. 

If anyone knows what this means, please advise.  I think the concept is there but the execution is not...

Online Dating - My Last Attempt: Part 3

And so we come to the end of my experiment. I'm a little sad that I won't be waking up to anymore gems but thankful that none of them got my number.

These fine gentlemen seem to be locationally challenged.

Oh good.  You go there and I'll continue to stay here in LA.  Where I live.  Which is what it says on my profile.  Auckland is short on pianists.  It'll be perfect for you.

Well isn't that nice and convenient. Only a 2-3 hour drive for me to go and meet you. 

Ok, so I know I said I wouldn't post pictures but this was just asking to be shared.  First of all, this is Take 2 - his first one was the same pose minus the underwear until the "powers-that-be" got wise and removed it.  He had six more just like this.  For an added bonus, read his profile below.

Not only is he gifted in areas, he is also good at most things.  Unfortunately he's looking for someone that is honest and sweet.  It would never work.

He wants nice, slow, honest conversation.  Sounds like a long evening.

This man is definitely the smartest of the lot.  I hate to disagree with him.  So I won't.

On the one hand, he's giving me a compliment.  On the other hand...

I wonder if I get additional bonus points to add to the "no kids" thing if I can actually swim.  Which I can.  We all learn how to in New Zealand - just in case we fall off our island.

I hate to reveal his user name because now you'll all want to date him.  Probably because of his ability to use logic.

This one totally threw me for a loop - his ability to string sentences together is marginal.  And I quote "Hello me meet to real me..." Seems clear.  And then he threw "scintilla" in there.  Where did he pluck scintilla from and actually use it in the right context? Followed closely by "...and a bit of classic rock would be as fine as in the book of yours."  Whose book?  What book are we talking about? 

I know he asked that I not judge him and I'm trying not to, this is more of a question.  Are you saying you have your kids name tattooed on your face?  Or your kids face tattooed on you?  In an undisclosed location.  Thanks for not judging nobody...

I think it's clear that my options are limited...

Online Dating - My Last Attempt: Part 2

The good news is that I will never run out of material. The bad news is I can't stand it any longer so my month long experiment is nearly over with.

This very charming Indian gentleman has some great theories on why I am single.  I agree with him.  Although he left out "stupid."

He goes on to provide us all with some valuable information on Indian cell phone rates.  I think if we all bundle our plans we might be able to get a group discount.  Who's with me?

I guess he watched a lot of "Friends" and thought if it worked for Joey, it might work for him.  It didn't.

Look, I'm willing to look past a missing "g" and hope that "huging" isn't actually a thing.  I'll even accept that man-sized fingers caused him to write completely nonsensical stuff.  What I'm struggling with is the lean meat comment.  Also that seems like a lot of meat.  Right?  Is that on top of his non-lean meat?  Should I ask for a complete breakdown?

Isn't it illegal to use lines like this? 

No.  Feel that he's not entirely sold on me. He needs to see more so he can make up his mind.  FYI - both my photos clearly show me and my face, there is no blurring, sunglasses or pictures of things that are not of me for them to be confused about...wish I could say the same for most of theirs.  For the record, I was not sold on him from his very first picture.  Or his extremely interesting description of riding dirt bikes for fun.

Do the capital letters mean something?  Am I to be his Only Friend?  He seems to have a very non-discriminate use of capitals.  Which when read with emphasis on the said capitals, sounds quite extreme. 

I've never been "defiantly" kissed.  Does anyone have any experience with that?  Sounds like maybe I said no to a kiss and he did it anyway.  Also, Santa Barbara is a bit of a drive....

I must say, I think it's very nice that if he had a sweater he would give it to me.  However he's quite emphatic that only IF we had fun would he ask me out again.  Stands to reason.

Keep it simple, people. 

Right, because demanding things always works well with me...

I'm not sure where to even start with this one.  Seems like he starts out unsure how to talk about himself and then manages to.  Not coherently but maybe it made sense in his head.  This is his first time in line.  For reals.

He goes on to add...well, a bunch more stuff that doesn't sense.

So, this is going well.  These all seem very promising.

Online Dating - My Last Attempt: Part 1

Every now and again I go back to try Online Dating so I can gather more evidence to prove that it's a failure and because it gives me such great blog material. This time was no exception. To be honest, it's probably 96% my fault and 112% theirs. Also, I won't date anyone that isn't as good at Math as me.

Now before anyone gets all upset, let me just point out:

1. I have carefully preserved everyone's anonymity by covering up photos, numbers, screen names, email addresses etc and I won't reveal the actual dating company/app. However if you recognize your own comment/profile, consider this a public service - my advice might actually help in which case you owe me money and your first-born.
2. I am not poking fun at the people for whom English is a second language - obviously they won't always get the correct turn of phrase but these are American-born men...
3. These are screenshots of actual responses to my profile and the profiles of men that would like to meet me.
4. There are a lot of men who want to go walking on the beach.  At sunset (very few interested in sunrise so I suspect they are lazy).  So, if you are single, I suggest you go walk on the beach - apparently like shooting fish in a barrel...

Here are some example of ones that just aren't going to work:

1929 miles away?  Yes, this sounds like a great start.

Umm.  Maybe?  Translation, please.  Which part of my profile did you take to mean that I spoke Spanish?  The part where I said I speak English?

The best pick-up lines ever...that will never work.  Take note.

No.

I don't like competition.  You lose.  Also, in all your photos you are wearing sunglasses...

Possibly you also landed on your head.

And then these gems...

This gentleman knows what he wants...I also respects learning.  Cos of my good education.

 

Frist.  I am not on www.affluentsingle.com. Because I am not affluent.  Is there a www.doingokbutdon'thaveenoughmoney tobuyeverythingIwant.com?  Because I will be on that one.  And I'm not sure we know each other well enough for you to call me "Dear".  You're not my grandmother.

He has some specific sized clothing for you...also a "simple pat".  I mean who doesn't like a "simple pat" - I know lots of dogs that would love that.

This is the same guy - in addition to his other charms (like dictating what size you should be), he also tips well.  Which is good because that's always number one on my list of things to look for in a man...

First of all, he is right, I am an Angel (although some have called me an Angle - feel that is not as flattering...).  Secondly, I particularly like how he has spelled out the yahoo - dot - com.  Not everyone takes the time to do that these days and it just feels a little more personal.  Thirdly, I'm not sure how he knows I am real and true after reading my profile since I don't have one.  Just 2 pictures, my screen name and general location. 

Happily, I have plenty more - until tomorrow...

Dating Tips 2

I'm trying something new - a different dating app every week. Last week it was "How About We". You upload your profile and then you create dates starting with "How about we..."  If someone is interested in your date then they can send you an actual message or notify you that they are "intrigued" by the date idea. At which point, nothing else happens.  It's very effective.

I have a demographic - turns out I am very attractive to the 26 and below market and 51 and above - all the way to 68. So far no one has responded to any of my dates:

1. How About We...shoot ourselves
2. How About We...not do this
3. How About We...pick someone our own age
4. How About We...get matching tattoos 

So far I have received one notable message - from someone who is allegedly a native English speaker and according to his profile, has a Masters degree, although in what is unclear but I will hazard a guess that it's not Communication. I have added comments where necessary so that you can understand his message and please note, I have not interfered with his grammar or spacing at all...

How are u doing today?my (requires a capital M) name is David and just come across you.1 (sometimes a 1 can be substituted for an I) must confess,your profile has really captured my attention I am very kind gentle and understanding to live with (apparently we are moving in together) ,am here looking for sincere,honest caring and loving woman (not it) to spend the rest of my life with,I come across your (my what?) and am very interested in getting to know you and I believe as time comes you and I will be able to create a rap ore ( A what? A sharp knock and some mineral deposits?) between us and can you tell me a bit about you (No.) and what are you looking for in a relationship partner?take care and have a great day, (and just when you thought he was done...)I would also love to spend time talking to you online to see how we can get closer to each other because as you can see communication is the best key to every relationship (I certainly can).If you are also serious and looking for something serious as i have let you know am looking for,you can send me mail to XXXXX (I deleted this because I know my friends and he doesn't deserve the emails you were going to send him)and i look forward to hear from you soon.

I know - you all think I'm mean and picky.  I am. 

This week it was Swoon - you flick through photos of people and yay or nay them - the only info you get is whether you have any Facebook friends in common, their age, location and whether you have mutual FB likes. They can't tell that you have looked at them unless they "swoon" over you too, in which case, I imagine you go on to get married and have a perfect life. Not one man older than 36. I lasted 2 hours.

Previously I tried Coffee and Bagel which is supposed to set you up with friends of friends from FB which is a lie. At noon every day, females get sent a "Bagel" and you decide whether you want to accept your "bagel" or pass. I'm allergic to wheat so this one wasn't for me.

So, if you think you have a better one and you want me to test it out for you.  No.

How To Recognize When Online Dating Has Gone Wrong

These are guidelines only...

1. When you meet someone on an online dating site and you arrange your first date and then he calls and asks if you can pick him up because he can't drive because he has a DUI - this is known as a red flag and you should abort.
2. If however, you don't because of some misguided feeling that people deserve a second chance and you go to their house to pick them up and they are taking a nap - you should abort.
3. So, now you've woken them up and you're waiting for them to shower and get ready and they come out in a towel to show you their guns and flex for you. You should abort.
4. If you still persist in seeing this thing through, you drive to the "special" place they have selected for your first date. And you roll into the Denny's parking lot and you should abort. Not that you have anything against Denny's but when there are 1600 restaurants in the US alone, it doesn't feel so special.
5. Now you're here and you're in the heart of the date and it's time to start getting to know each other. So he shows you his collection of pictures of himself on his phone. Abort, abort!
6. Despite the rocky start and the realization that it's not going to go anywhere, you mentally congratulate yourself on getting out there and making an effort to start dating and he hits you up for a loan. For a new car. You excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and you abort. Out the window.