Dating Things You Must Not Do*

Things you must not say or do to men after or during the first date:

1. Do you want to get married in the Summer or Winter?
2. Is that it?
3. Huh. Not what I was expecting
4. So it's just the 4 children then?
5. I like you as much as won't freak you out
6. eHarmony rejected me
7. I'd like to go out on a second date but I don't like you
8. Text them and declare your love immediately after the date ends. Or on a bathroom break during the date
9. Post your imaginary engagement on Facebook after a successful first date
10. Go home and watch TV with your cat. Because it was a better option
11. Handstands
12. Drug him
13. Contact him in any way. Regardless of what you do, it will be wrong
14. "Tell me about yourself?" "Well, I...". "You're the one!" 
15. I had a great time on our date, unless you didn't, in which case, neither did I

Outfits not to wear on a first date:

1. Fancy Dress of any kind
2. Catsuit 
3. Moose hat** 
4. Fig Leaf
5. Men: Wife beater (chesty bond in Oz)

Outfits to wear on a first date:

1. Pants

 *I am guilty of none of these, except 1-15.
**I'm on the fence about this one.  I think it depends on the person and whether you can pull it off. As I did. The key is too look slightly startled.  But dignified.

Why I Am Cheap Entertainment...*

...compared to cable, casinos, concerts, and circuses**. I think the best way to demonstrate this is by mathematical equation:

If x = quality, professional entertainment at a premium price and y = me: cheap, unsophisticated, requiring only a few clicks entertainment then z = well, you can clearly see below.

For those who don't have quite the mathematical brain that I do, I can break it down a little more:

1. Two trains 150 miles apart travel toward each other along the same track, the first train at 60 mph, the second at 90 mph. If I am cheaper than traveling by train to an exciting destination, which train will arrive first? Answer: Neither because they will eventually smack into each other in a fiery inferno and we can only hope that the passengers were able to read my blog post for that day and get their cheap entertainment in before dying in an expensive deathly way.
2. Al's father is 45. He is 15 years older than twice Al's age. How old is Al? Karen is twice as old as Lori. Three years from now, the sum of their ages will be 42. How old is Karen? Answer: This is easy - Al's father is clearly 1012*** and dead so he has no need for cheap entertainment but he was a bit of a tightwad while he was alive so he would have loved me. Karen is a stripper who gets more one dollar bills than I earn on my blog so she is disqualified.  No one cares about Lori because she is Al's imaginary friend and quite frankly he's too old for one of those.  Also an imaginary friend is cheaper than me so according to algebraic law we are left with cosine exponential square root of pi.  That is all.  Math is so easily explained.
3. Neville has 11 more nickels than quarters from his job as a DJ. How many coins does he have if the total value of his coins is $2.65? Answer: More than I have earned on my blog, ergo, I am cheaper entertainment than Neville the DJ.

*Many thanks to my friend Schmon Smuart (not his real name - obviously), for pointing out that I am the best cheap entertainment he has and suggesting I write about it. Not the first time I have been called cheap entertainment but I choose to take that as a compliment as it's a step up from free entertainment.
**I don't know if anyone goes to circuses because they're naughty if they have animals but it was working with my alliteration and the only other thing I could think of was concubines and I wasn't really sure if they were in fact expensive.
***To be honest, I used a calculator, otherwise I would never have gotten this right

Running

You know what I dislike about races and fun runs? Running. Also, the disappointment and lack of body control.  You get your bib, timing chip, pick out the perfect outfit*, train on a regular basis** and the big day finally arrives. You show up, mingle with your people***, do some of those fancy stretches and line up at the start. 

The gun goes, you take off and immediately start hyperventilating from the nerves. Your legs are going off in different directions, none of which is forward and you can't catch your breath despite the weeks of training.*** Then all of a sudden, you're being carted off two minutes out of the starting line to receive oxygen. Not because you're unfit but because you're nervous about a race that at best you would just finish. You're not in line for any medals, you don't even have a best time to beat, your biggest achievement was pinning the bib to your shirt correctly. 

And now you're in the ambulance area and your race is over. Good job.

*Some people pick out their outfit for optimum running conditions. Which is fine but I prefer to select it based on how good I look in it in case there are photos opportunities along the way.
**Or not.
***Not really your people because they run regularly but it's important to talk the talk and walk the walk. Well, run the run but never let them know you're not really one of them. Try discussing pb's and glucose drinks. Which sounds like a delicious snack but is not...
****Not me, I like to show up on the day and see how it goes.

Blog Earnings Update: One Step Away From Millionairism*...

So I monetized my blog - let Google Ad Sense put some ads up. I mean they asked nicely and seemed pretty desperate so I didn't like to say no. Some of you have been kind enough to click on them which I'm pretty sure generates revenue for me but also, I don't know.

Just in case it does, I've come up with a way to cheat the system.** Just going to leave my laptop open at home all day and every ten minutes Albert is trained to click on any ads. Going pretty well so far. Except for the part where he clicks on the ads. Which is strange because we went through a comprehensive training program. I pressed his paw down on the key, he got a treat and repeat. There were some lapses where he just lay on top of the keyboard but I figured something was bound to get pushed the more he lounged there.

I might have to come up with Plan B - which is paying someone to push the button in lieu of Albert doing it. I'm still working on the math of this, just having some trouble with currency and decimal points.

But I know you're all dying to know how much I made - I just checked the account and buggered if I can understand it. I think they're saying estimated earnings so far of $2.10 but then also they mention $7.85. So, my logic tells me it's one of those two.  My pessimism tells me it's the lower of the two***. I did the math and by my calculations, which we all know are completely accurate, it takes 20 million clicks to earn a dollar. So I am clearly very popular. Thank goodness I have 20 million friends. Please keep it up. Maybe one day, I'll have enough money to buy Albert a new eye.

*Is to a word.
**Hi Google - please stop reading for a minute.
***$7.85. I am a mathematical genius.Who wants me to be their accountant?

The Best Post I Have Written...

...is not up today because I am taking Thanksgiving off. Next week is looking good though...

Happy Thanksgiving

I wanted to write a post but then this happened.

I can't be expected to type with my thumb practically ripped off.

Happy Turkey Day. Ow.

Happy Thanksgiving...To Me

Thanksgiving Thoughts and Reflections:

1. The year I hosted Thanksgiving and made poached fish for dinner - I now see the error of my ways and am very sorry
2. The year I volunteered. I showed up with my two massive containers of mac n' cheese and full of virtuous, righteous do-gooding. After I dropped my food off in the kitchen to be added to plates and packaged up as a dinner for one, ready to be distributed around the city, I got in line to be assigned my volunteer duties. Two hours later - still in line, still volunteering but effectively only volunteering to stand in a line. Effectively not very effective. Finally, I get called to a car with 3 others, we load up with the plated food and are told to drive to where we think there are homeless people looking for a Thanksgiving meal. Being new to LA, I suggested a spot in Portland. I was ignored* So the ringleader and driver headed for her favorite homeless spot. Apparently they went home. Not a single person in sight. At which point we resorted to Google and headed for Skid Row in Downtown LA. Finally getting into the swing of things, we hand out meals with only 2 thrown at us by someone who wasn't very hungry. Empty of all our plates we head back to base camp with just a couple of things. Two homeless puppies and their homeless fleas and some mashed potato in one of the girls hair. Not mine though so don't worry.
3. The year I slept through Thanksgiving - was about to write a description of what happened and realized this happened. I slept through Thanksgiving.
4. How to make a scaled down Thanksgiving dinner for one. Dennys.
5. The year I ran the Turkey Trot - this is a hellish idea that has to be done early on Thanksgiving morning so that you can justify eating your face off later. The Portland Turkey Trot ends up at the Zoo and you run the last part through it, with Lions and Tigers jogging along beside you in their cages. The turkey's don't run with you in their cages. Because they are dead. And about to be eaten. So it's a very mistakenly named fun run. (A) the turkey's are not trotting and (B) therefore not having fun. They are just dead.
6. The food that shouldn't be eaten on Thanksgiving - Canned anything. Tofurky**
7. The football games I didn't watch on Thanksgiving. All of them. Ever.
8. Giving thanks - let's celebrate the harvest. Which occurred several months earlier as we are now in the middle of winter. Fail.
9. In response to a query: No, I will not be going home to New Zealand for Thanksgiving.
10. Apparently every year the president issues a proclamation, to"pardon" a turkey, which spares the bird's life and ensures that it will spend the duration of its life roaming freely on farmland. The rest of us massage our birds with butter and then eat them***. 
11. The year I named my turkey - Neville. Actually this happens every year now. Taking suggestions for next year as this year I will be roasting Gustav's left leg.
12. If I have a whole pumpkin pie, how many slices will you get? None. My pie.
13. Thanksgiving advice - don't cook fried turkey in the nude.
14. Things I am thankful for:

• Gustav 

 

Rose are Red, Violets are blue, Thanksgiving poems are very difficult and I haven't quite mastered it yet.

Happy Thanksgiving, all!

*Which I don't think was really in the Thanksgiving spirit.
**Despite the previous comment in where it appears I am on the side of the turkey, I will still eat their dead bodies rather than have turkey formed out of tofu. My only exception to this rule is turkey formed out of cake.
***However, the pardoned birds don't have a very good track record and it seems they now use an alternate.  In 2010, Obama pardoned Apple, and alternate bird Cider. Both had died of natural causes by Thanksgiving. In 2012, Obama pardoned a 45-pound turkey named Liberty and an alternate bird named Peace. Peace survived until shortly before Thanksgiving 2012, when he was euthanized.  There is no record of why Peace had to be euthanized.  Which I find very suspicious and suspect that the Secret Service were involved.  If you are reading this, Secret Service people, I'll have you know that you will never find me as I am a master of disguise and do all kinds of clever computer stuff that I can't quite remember right now to put you off the trail.  Also I am Australian.