Obsession - Letting Out The Crazy

Let me tell you a little story about the inner workings of a female friend of mine and see if it strikes a chord with any of you*.  

Here's what happened to her recently. You know when you meet someone when you're away for a weekend, you have a great night, you leave it with "let's stay in touch", exchange numbers and become friends on Facebook? She had one of those evenings. Luckily, she wasn't sure that they were a very good match - although it's possible that one evening wasn't enough to determine that but she much prefers to make snap judgements. Obviously much safer and given proximity to one another, very sensible on her part. So, it's good that she didn't get all obsessed over someone that she's sure is a terrible fit for her and doesn't even live where she does. She kept it down to a couple of casual texts, the occasional Facebook comment and then left it at that. 

And then she got irritated that he wasn't being as responsive as she was (and that they hadn't made Thanksgiving plans - yes, this is a normal train of thought). So instead of letting it go, she caved and sent a casual Sunday night text "Hey - how was your weekend?" 

A mere hour and 41 minutes later (she wasn't counting, just happened to notice the time), she received the following response "Call me in one hour." Call me in one hour? What does that mean? Are they spies? Did he forget to add "Let it ring once then hang up and dial back again immediately." Or does it just mean that he would like to chat in an hour when he is free? No, that can't be it. Far too simple. Anyway on the off chance that he did mean that, she did what every normal woman would do - she set the egg timer for one hour. 

A few minutes past the appointed hour (it doesn't do to be too precise), she sent a text to see if he was still awake (a courtesy since they were different time zones). An hour later, it was safe to say, he was not. Luckily she only stayed up for another hour wondering what that meant. So what is the lesson in this for her?  Just leave it alone?  Find a replacement? Learn macrame? Make alternative Thanksgiving plans? Yes.

*Not you men people

Attempting To Make You Laugh With One Sentence...And Then I Got Bored Because It Wasn't Funny. But I Put It Up Anyway...

Some days I just say #Supercallifragalicantspellthis*

I have a "leave me alone or I'll bite you" complex**.

I once participated in a lip synching group, people either loved us or hated us - or they thought we were ok.

I think that if your Facebook relationshop status says "It's Complicated", it might be because your boyfriend is from the future and just hasn't arrived yet.***

You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.**** 

Today I thought I might exercise so I had a bit of a lie down until it passed.

Not all people are annoying - some are dead.  

*Apparently it is defined as something to say when you have nothing to say. I use it in meetings all the time. Sometimes with interpretative dance. Have yet to be fired so I think it's really getting the point across. Which is that I know nothing and have nothing to say.
**Similar to my niece who used to hiss at people trying to compliment her on how adorable she was. We're clearly related. And not just because we're both adorable.
***Actually I think it means you are single and a stalker.
****Anyone else remember this saying? Was the most cutting thing I had in my repertoire for quite a while...

Dating Things You Must Not Do*

Things you must not say or do to men after or during the first date:

1. Do you want to get married in the Summer or Winter?
2. Is that it?
3. Huh. Not what I was expecting
4. So it's just the 4 children then?
5. I like you as much as won't freak you out
6. eHarmony rejected me
7. I'd like to go out on a second date but I don't like you
8. Text them and declare your love immediately after the date ends. Or on a bathroom break during the date
9. Post your imaginary engagement on Facebook after a successful first date
10. Go home and watch TV with your cat. Because it was a better option
11. Handstands
12. Drug him
13. Contact him in any way. Regardless of what you do, it will be wrong
14. "Tell me about yourself?" "Well, I...". "You're the one!" 
15. I had a great time on our date, unless you didn't, in which case, neither did I

Outfits not to wear on a first date:

1. Fancy Dress of any kind
2. Catsuit 
3. Moose hat** 
4. Fig Leaf
5. Men: Wife beater (chesty bond in Oz)

Outfits to wear on a first date:

1. Pants

 *I am guilty of none of these, except 1-15.
**I'm on the fence about this one.  I think it depends on the person and whether you can pull it off. As I did. The key is too look slightly startled.  But dignified.

Dear etc

Dear Victoria's Secret Saleswomen - why are there so many of you? Why do all of you have to ask me if I need help? I didn't need help from the first one, so I'm unlikely to need help from the 5th. Why are there more of you than bras? Also, I have been wearing underwear for a very long time, I know what I need. And for the record, when you measured me, you got it wrong. I am size perfect.

Dear Other Drivers - You suck. Portlanders, you don't know how to drive in the sun and Los Angelians, you don't know how to drive in the rain. I however am a perfect driver.

Dear Trader Joe's - Why don't you have as many free samples as Whole Foods? Now I have to go to both of you.

Dear Wine - Ow.

Dear Albert - Run the vacuum around now and again, will you?

Dear Neighbors - Get out of my parking spot(s).

Dear Abs - Where are you?

Dear Wrinkles - No one likes you, go away.

Dear Morning People - I don't like morning. Or people.

Dear Math - What in the hell?

Dear Adulthood - Getting real sick of responsibilities and shit.

Dear Cake - Hi.

Dear Holiday Cookie Swap - I just swapped you for cocktails.

Dear Today - If it requires getting dressed, it's not happening.

Dear Universal Remote Control - You do not control the universe.

Dear Facebook - I don't really need you.  

Dear Friends - I'd love to hang out but I have to sit in my house by myself.

Dear Secret Boyfriend - If I make you breakfast in bed, all I need is a simple thank you, none of this how did you get in the house crap...

Dear Lightbulbs in My House - Just because one of you goes out, doesn't mean the rest of you have to.

Dear two-kid families - You don't need the mini-van yet.  Just get a sedan.

Dear Character Building Life Events - I have enough character now thanks.

Work

Apologies for the late posting today - I had to go to that other place all day today and work. Apparently I have to go back tomorrow too.

I'd really like to write about my day at work today but it might not bode well for my future employment so instead I compiled some stats:

Number of cups of coffee: I don't drink coffee but today I had three. Because it was a Monday. Also we have one of those machines where you stick a little packet in labelled Coffee (you can choose coffee from many different places around the world. Today I went Colombian) and then coffee comes out. And sometimes it jams when you do it wrong. Somebody did it wrong today. Just so you know, you can't fit two packets in at the same time just because you think you're making a double espresso. What happens is a double nothing and a big mess and then you have to lie to Maintenance about the person that allegedly used it before you.

Number of emails I sent: A lot. If my boss is reading this, I had my highest email output yield ever today.

Number of times I answered the phone and pretended it was a bad connection: Hardly any. If my boss is reading this, it really was a bad connection when you called. All four times.

Number of drive-bys past the muffins in the kitchen: 12.  But I just licked the tops.

Number of ergo assessments had today: 1. Apparently I am doing it all wrong. I should stop working. It's a Health & Safety issue

Number of work-related conversations with colleagues: 24.  I think there are things I'm supposed to do...

Number of non work-related conversations with colleagues: Absolutely none.  I would never do that. 

Work outfit score from the office: 10 out of 10*

*Scored by me

No. of corporate jargon terms I used today: 9. I'm not sure I have enough bandwidth. Let's synch up tomorrow and collaborate on that project. I'm going to need to benchmark those figures. It's not really their core competency. I'm a critical thinker. This is a game-changer. I'm going to target the low-hanging fruit. We're a matrix organization here except for those that are siloes. I'm looking for a seat at the table with the stakeholders.

No. of times I knew what I meant: None.

Things I dislike about work: Waking up. Working

Things I like about work: Apparently the coffee. This is a new and delightful surprise.

Most productive time of the day: 9:31am - 9:37am. I nailed it.

Thoughts I had while at work:

1. It's 11am and I just finished lunch. Now what am I supposed to do?
2. Go away Facebook, I'm trying to work
3. Work fascinates me, I can sit and look at it for hours
4. I should have been a ninja. I wonder where you apply. I look good in black
5. It's good to be at work. They have air conditioning
6. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm going to smile and write something down. There, "something". Please don't read my notes.
7. I'm gonna do some push-ups. Nope, too hard.

Well, that's a wrap on another day where I acted exactly like I knew what I was doing.