...why Trader Joe's uses two paper bags to bag groceries? Yay for paper but no yay for double bagging, that's for women runners. Make stronger bags*.
...why businesses warn you about a $25 fee for a bounced check? If the check bounces, chances are they don't have the penalty fee. You're never getting your money. This is why you need to move into the 21st century and stop accepting checks. Except mine. You need to accept mine because I can't pay with my debit card because there's no money in my account.
...why no horses allowed? It's a park - perfect place for a horse. Just another example of the oppression of man. And horse.
...why you are here? (hoping for an answer that would stroke my ego). Oh, you came to see my suffering. Well, that wasn't it.
...why there isn't an app that will take an outfit I see someone wearing, find it, buy it and put it in my wardrobe. With matching accessories. Someone needs to get on that**.
...why camomile tea is called that when we all know its grass clippings in a bag.
...why the postage is more than the item? Got my Mum a great deal on a sweater, reduced from $24.99 to $7.49. Cost me $20 to post it. The only one making on this deal is USPS. Or sucky sendy service as I like to call them.
...what that annoying beeping sound is? Must be something outside. It'll turn off eventually. It's been 40 minutes and it's still beeping - I'm going outside to find it and give it/someone a piece of my mind. Never mind, false alarm. Was the timer I set on my stove when I put the eggs on to boil.They're done now. Also a different color. That pot isn't going to work anymore. But good that I know what it is now. Was really starting to bug me.
...why?
*Yes I know, you all want to jump on me for not bringing my own bags. Just so you know, I have about 8 in my car with very good intentions of using them. Number of times I have remembered to take them into the store: Zero.
**Just FYI - that was my idea so I'm going to need half of everything once you develop it. I think maybe there are physics involved. So, I'm just gonna be the ideas man.
Dear Victoria's Secret Saleswomen - why are there so many of you? Why do all of you have to ask me if I need help? I didn't need help from the first one, so I'm unlikely to need help from the 5th. Why are there more of you than bras? Also, I have been wearing underwear for a very long time, I know what I need. And for the record, when you measured me, you got it wrong. I am size perfect.
Dear Other Drivers - You suck. Portlanders, you don't know how to drive in the sun and Los Angelians, you don't know how to drive in the rain. I however am a perfect driver.
Dear Trader Joe's - Why don't you have as many free samples as Whole Foods? Now I have to go to both of you.
Dear Wine - Ow.
Dear Albert - Run the vacuum around now and again, will you?
Dear Neighbors - Get out of my parking spot(s).
Dear Abs - Where are you?
Dear Wrinkles - No one likes you, go away.
Dear Morning People - I don't like morning. Or people.
Dear Math - What in the hell?
Dear Adulthood - Getting real sick of responsibilities and shit.
Dear Cake - Hi.
Dear Holiday Cookie Swap - I just swapped you for cocktails.
Dear Today - If it requires getting dressed, it's not happening.
Dear Universal Remote Control - You do not control the universe.
Dear Facebook - I don't really need you.
Dear Friends - I'd love to hang out but I have to sit in my house by myself.
Dear Secret Boyfriend - If I make you breakfast in bed, all I need is a simple thank you, none of this how did you get in the house crap...
Dear Lightbulbs in My House - Just because one of you goes out, doesn't mean the rest of you have to.
Dear two-kid families - You don't need the mini-van yet. Just get a sedan.
Dear Character Building Life Events - I have enough character now thanks.
Every once in a blue moon every Saturday and Sunday, I like to sleep in, laze around, not get showered or dressed and do nothing. It's kind of my secret shame and I'm exposing it to the world (because the world reads my blog) in the hopes that I will do something about it. Which is unlikely. I do lie in bed and feel guilty about the kids having to get their own breakfast, entertain themselves and get ready for the day and then I remember that I have imaginary children and they are just fine. In fact I'm doing an excellent job of raising them. I give myself 10 points and stay in bed. The only problem is that during the week, dragging myself out of bed when the alarm clock goes off looks like a zombie apocalypse but on the weekends, I'm wide awake at 6am - I lie there and focus really hard on going back to sleep but it's useless. My body says sleep but my brain wants to lie there and think about every stupid decision I've ever made. Which is a lot.
This Saturday was no exception so I lay and read instead. Then I got hungry so got up and took laziness to a whole other level - put a skirt on and wore it as a dress because I was too lazy to put on a top. I barely made it to the couch before I had to sit down and relax some more. I tried to mentally cook my eggs but that does not work. So I sat there and weighed up my laziness versus my hunger. Laziness reigned supreme for another hour and then hunger reared its ugly head so I made food. Which was exhausting and resulted in a another spell on the couch.
I thought about doing some laundry which also does not actually mean laundry gets done. Even if you think real hard. Eventually you catch up on all your recorded shows and boredom makes you leave the house. So you go to Rite-Aid and have a fight with the photography department - turns out 2 day photos means 7 day photos. If your original offer was an hour, how is it now taking 7 days? Stop off at Target to buy a cake pan and spend the equivalent of a small country's GDP. Drop in at the local 99c store and get the same amount of stuff as purchased at Target for $25. Drive back to Target and return the mango cutter, ornamental pepper plant and both skirts. Drive to Trader Joe's, circle parking lot several times looking for a car park, decide that food is not necessary this week and go home to collapse on the couch. Again. And that was just Saturday.
Sunday was a little bit different because I'd made plans to meet a friend at the Farmer's Market, which I immediately regretted once I woke up and the laziness took over. But plans are plans so I made my way there. I cannot in all honestly say that I showered. But I did leave the skirt-dress-top combo at home. And of course it was totally worth it once I got there. Turns out, I actually saved myself some time and effort by eating samples - that way you don't have to make yourself breakfast.
After all that excitement, it was time to head back to the couch. And then without any warning, Sunday was over. Thankfully I accomplished all of my goals of nothing. I'm an over-achiever.
I make no apologies for my laziness, I'm just sorry when someone knocks on the door and I get caught with bed hair and a skirt as a dress*. I work hard during the week and one of the joys of being childless and single is that you can do whatever you want...because you are hidden away in your house and no one can see your shame. Also, this is all lies, I actually ran 20 miles both days, cleaned house from top to toe, did my laundry and everyone else's in the neighborhood, wrote an award winning novel, made cakes for bake sales at my imaginary kids' school and changed the oil in the car. What did you do?**
*However I do crawl around on the floor like a ninja so that they can't see me. On occasion this has backfired and I have been seen crawling around the floor, apparently in a very un-ninjalike fashion.
**Sentence designed to make you feel lazy and inadequate which is totally unnecessary because obviously I didn't do any of those things, I am trying to make a point which has gotten lost because I forgot what it was. If you're feeling like you might be a bit lazy, here are the 5 symptoms of laziness:
1.
