Things I have Quit

• Sin. Ok, not really. I would like to be a bit more sinful and then maybe I'd quit it. And by sinful, I mean bathing in a bath of chocolate and drinking it (Gluttony and Greed - honestly, I'm not sure there's a difference for me), lazing around all day and demanding that people (for the purpose of this exercise, let's call Albert, "people") wait on me hand and foot (Sloth*), feeling super proud of my one-eyed cat for not giving up in the face of extreme adversity** (Pride), cussing people out for their poor driving skills (Wrath), wishing that all the girls that have the mermaid long hair that I want will suddenly develop alopecia (Envy) and, well I can't describe the last one in case my Mum reads this.  Let's just think of it as the way I feel about cake - Lust.
• Sugar. Think we all know this but it's a really good way to remind everyone how self-sacrificing I am, how virtuous I am and how dedicated. 47 days sugar-free. Basically I am better than everyone else. Please make it end soon...
• Pottery class. I thought I was going to be really good at this. Unfortunately it was stupid.
• Horse riding. Three times is enough in anyone's life. I have a way with animals. Just not horses.
• Manners. F&^% off.
• Potatoes. Because they're considered naughty on the Glycemic Index. Fries are totally fine though. And if you add something to your potato, you're golden. The GI is pretty clear that it's just plain potatoes. #Loophole
• Using turn signal (indicator). No one else does in America. I just imagine where I think they are going and sometimes I am right. But mostly not. Tricky little bastards.
• Ballet. But not because I'm terrible at it. For anyone who has seen me move gracefully through life, I think it's pretty obvious that I am very talented. I just quit cos.
• Worrying***
• Dating. Or more specifically trying to meet men. Let them come to me. "Release the hounds men!!"
• Teaching Albert. Anything. He's made it pretty clear that it's his way or the highway. Plus he lets me live here so I try and keep the peace. 

 *Is it considered Sloth if you have a baby sloth, swathed in a blanket?  Cos, I've seen some of those on YouTube lately and I want one. Yes, I know - Greed.  
**He's disabled but you won't see him collecting a disability pension.  He works for a living.

He's a man of action - just look at the focus.

See?  Always on the go, this one.

***Don't be ridiculous. If I stop worrying about things then my OCDness and control issues might go away and I need them

How To Ride A Horse

I have ridden a horse three times in my life. So am very good at it. The first time, my brother and I rode horses called Mr Muldoon and Annie and we were probably about 6 and 7. We sat on their backs while they were led a couple of times around a fenced area, then called it good and got off. Didn't think I needed to go more than a couple of times, clearly I had mastered horse riding immediately.

My third time was for a bachelorette party and went without incident. Probably because I am so good at it.

However, my second time is where all the action happened. As part of a fun school excursion, we got to ride horses for half the day and then hang* off the sides of a 4 wheel drive SUV while it spun around in the mud. I'm not sure what that's called. Other than dangerous.  But back to the horse riding.  Here's what not to do:

1. Pretend to the instructors that you have ridden a horse many times by using some horsey lingo* so that when you reach a clear open space and they tell all the "experienced " riders that they can let them go for a gallop, you have no choice but to go...
2. Get off.  While horse is traveling at speed.  However, I was kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place - whilst on said gallop***, horse veered towards a fence and clearly had intentions of jumping it.  While my equestrian skills were certainly masterful, jumping was not something I had undertaken.  So I got off.
3. Get on.

*When I say hang, I mean hang, they had bars around the top that you held onto. Just a bunch of teenagers, hanging off all sides of the SUV. While it spun around. At speed.
**Might have gone something like this "Yeah, I was riding this morning so my jodphurs are in the wash. I have an Arabian, bred him myself (not entirely credible), just put the bit in so he wouldn't bolt after breeching and branding him. Did a bit of dressage...
***Immediately when horse took off, I suspected this might have been a terrible mistake.  Especially when I realized, I didn't know where the brakes were and yelling "stop" didn't work.

A Day At The Races...

For those of you that don't know. Which is pretty much everyone. I used to work for the TAB in New Zealand taking phone bets for horse racing. In fact I still have an account with a likely amount of $0.43 in it. Betting on races is definitely something that I am good at. Like math. And some other things that I can't think of right now. Because there are too many.

Anyway, the point is that, I know racing. It's not as complicated as people make it out to be with their doubles, trebles, trifecta's, boxed trifecta's, forecasts etc*. Pretty much nothing matters but first place. Luckily I was able to explain all of this to my friend so she could see I was an expert. I'm not gonna lie, she looked pretty impressed. When I explained about "first".

We made a couple of imaginary bets on some races, based on the horse names which is how you should always do it unless you are more inclined to pick based on the jockey's silks**. My friend who we will call "M" because it's important that no one knows her secret imaginary horse racing gambling problem, won a lot of imaginary money in her first race. Never seen anyone so excited. Not even the people winning real money.

This horse is faking being nice.  His name is Peanut.  Well, not actually Peanut but I forgot it the minute the trainer said it so we'll just call him Peanut.  He certainly enjoyed eating them.  Note: If you don't have peanuts in your hand when holding said hand out to a horse not really called Peanut, it will bite you. 

This horse is disguise.  He's in the Horse Witness Relocation Program. 

This horse is called John Henry.  I wanted to put up a bronze horse bust of Seabiscuit but I'm not gonna lie, it was a little underwhelming and I'm hoping it wasn't to scale.  John Henry could have eaten Seabiscuit. Note: Not a real horse.

Let's be honest. We were really here for the wine tasting. Just happened to be at the races.  Shameless plug for this random vineyard -let's hope they follow the blog and send me a case of wine.  Because that happens.  Just not yet.  Note: You should not drink and ride a racehorse.  The officials get mad.

We should all wear our floppy straw hats, shoulder bags and sandals.  Long dress girl is being shunned for not reading the memo properly.

Them: OMG, can you take our picture? Me: Ok, but I'm going to use my phone.  Ok, bye.

For the doubters that thought I was just drinking wine with random horses

Artistic. By me. Note: Not real horses.

I totally recognize this horse.  Worst disguise ever.

Not Michael Jackson.  Not even close.

Note: Not the basketball game

Why yes those are silver horses galloping around her ankles.  Left one won. By a furlong

*Incidentally none of these bet types were available. I don't know what America is doing but good horse race betting with the right names is not one of them.
**Technical term.  For experts only.  You should use "tight pants and shirt".

Just wondering...

...why Trader Joe's uses two paper bags to bag groceries? Yay for paper but no yay for double bagging, that's for women runners.  Make stronger bags*. 

...why businesses warn you about a $25 fee for a bounced check? If the check bounces, chances are they don't have the penalty fee. You're never getting your money.  This is why you need to move into the 21st century and stop accepting checks.  Except mine.  You need to accept mine because I can't pay with my debit card because there's no money in my account.

...why no horses allowed?  It's a park - perfect place for a horse. Just another example of the oppression of man.  And horse.

...why you are here? (hoping for an answer that would stroke my ego). Oh, you came to see my suffering. Well, that wasn't it.

...why there isn't an app that will take an outfit I see someone wearing, find it, buy it and put it in my wardrobe.  With matching accessories.  Someone needs to get on that**.

...why camomile tea is called that when we all know its grass clippings in a bag.

...why the postage is more than the item?  Got my Mum a great deal on a sweater, reduced from $24.99 to $7.49. Cost me $20 to post it.  The only one making on this deal is USPS.  Or sucky sendy service as I like to call them.

...what that annoying beeping sound is? Must be something outside. It'll turn off eventually.  It's been 40 minutes and it's still beeping - I'm going outside to find it and give it/someone a piece of my mind.  Never mind, false alarm. Was the timer I set on my stove when I put the eggs on to boil.They're done now. Also a different color. That pot isn't going to work anymore.  But good that I know what it is now.  Was really starting to bug me.

...why?

*Yes I know, you all want to jump on me for not bringing my own bags.  Just so you know, I have about 8 in my car with very good intentions of using them.  Number of times I have remembered to take them into the store: Zero.

**Just FYI - that was my idea so I'm going to need half of everything once you develop it.  I think maybe there are physics involved.  So, I'm just gonna be the ideas man.