Apparently July 24th was Cousin's Day and I missed it so this post is in honor of my cousins and step-cousins. In terms of cousins, my family is split between New Zealand, the US and Australia (and one in The Netherlands). When I was 13 my grandfather remarried and I got 9 new cousins in addition to the 5 I already had. Everybody ranged in age and I lost top billing as being the oldest which might have bothered me back then but am quite happy about it now. Second oldest is just fine. So here's to my cousins and remembering the good times. Like...
- ...when our grandparents married* and we had the wedding out at the goat farm and the wedding pig on a spit set the carport on fire? No big deal, the Uncles just hosed it down. We will rebuild...
- ...having a new girl cousin a bit older than you and getting on like a house on fire. Similar to a carport on fire from a roasted pig on a spit. She was pretty outdoorsy, was actually a top Kiwi triathlete and I did everything I could to keep up with her. Including going along with some of her not so great ideas. Like the time she thought we should chop a path through the native bush so we could build a house in the middle. We got machetes** from the shed and starting hacking away. Luckily I know how she works so I was pretty sure that by the time we went back to the house for lunch, that would be the end of it. To this day, you can still see the spot where we made no noticeable progress at all.
- ...the time my girl cousin thought she found an abandoned boat in the marina and decided to adopt it so she could live on it. Anyone else see any flaws in this plan? But first we had to go on a recon mission to check it out and see what work it would require to turn it into a houseboat. Again, anyone see anything wrong with this? So we grabbed the dinghy and rowed out into the marina - it's different now but at the time no one went swimming in that part of the lake because it was infested with swan poop. I was instructed to keep the boat stable while she made the transition from the dinghy onto the potential floating home***. I might have failed. It's kind of like those movies when you see two cars racing down the highway while one person straddles the two and everyone cheers and then a truck and a tractor get involved and at the last minute everyone lives but only just. This was exactly the same, except on the water, without trucks or tractors, very little cheering and a not so happy (or dry) ending. There she was, straddling the two boats while I used my rowing skills to keep the dinghy steady. Except that I didn't. And the dinghy began to pull away from the boat as she determinedly maintained her position. Temporarily.
- ...going on Easter Egg hunts - especially if you're the oldest directing the operation so that the egg to cousin ratio comes out in your favor.****
- ...ditching your siblings when you've had enough and going over to the cousin side.
- ...blaming shit on*****
- ...when your cousin says he's going to sweep your feet out from under you by kicking them away but not to worry because he's then going to catch you. Only he doesn't and you hit the floor and get knocked out. And then you wake up and he's commandeered a friend to take you out to the back garden. He claims for air, I think it was to bury me. You're probably thinking we were quite young. 31 is pretty young. Beer can lead you to believe that you have better king-fu skills than you actually do. It also makes being knocked out, kind of hilarious.
- ...when you take your cousin on a trip to England and they hook up with your friend...
*Yeah, I know how that sounds
**Two teenage girls walking down the road with machetes in hand. No one batted an eyelid.
***Potential was the one thing this boat didn't have. It was floating and that was about its only saving grace.
****Hi
*****Sorry. The pocket knife incident, umm, that was me.
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| Belated... |
Has anyone seen the show Naked and Afraid?* Basically a male and female are dropped off in a remote jungle, beach type area filled with all kinds of poisonous, bitey, killy things and expected to survive for 21 days. And they have to do it naked. They don't know each other but both have survivalist type skills either from the military or running survival schools.
Each brings one survival item - usually a machete and a fire starter. Neither of which was the first thing on my mind to bring - umm, shoes, chocolate, my own survival expert, food (invariably, there is very little food where they are and it all has to be caught and cooked and then there are dramas with getting fires started, not enough food that isn't a leaf or worm yadda yadda yadda. Have never actually seen anyone catch more than a snake, so am not convinced they are much chop with trapping and hunting skills), a blow up bed, a blankie, a helicopter to get me the hell out of there. Actually a helicopter is a brilliant idea. One of you brings the chopper and the other brings the pilot. You can sleep in it at night and stay warm without having to build a shelter. Then during the day you can fly around and find water and drop nets to trap wild animals. Why has no one ever thought of this? And they call themselves survivalists.
At the end of the 21 days they have to hike or swim to the extraction point where their emaciated bodies can barely muster up the strength for a high five. The best part? They always give the map to the woman. Which I am all in favor of although isn't the reason men aren't given the map because they refuse to stop and ask for directions when they are quite clearly lost? Am not sure that this works to the woman's advantage in the wilderness - have yet to see a wild animal point them in the right direction. God, it's such great TV! At the beginning their skills are assessed and they're given a PSR (Primitive Survival Rating) which is then re-evaluated at the end of the show after their performance. Being in a snit the whole time, cutting yourself with the machete 2 minutes into the show and eating things that are quite clearly poisonous will all lower your score.
About 5 episodes into a marathon watching session, I started thinking about my own survival skills and what I would bring to the table. I also noticed that despite watching multiple seasons, I had learned and retained nothing of the tips they were giving. Ergo, retention of knowledge is not on my list. However, the following is:
- Am very bossy
- Am also very lazy so like to think that bossy side will prevail but seems unlikely. Therefore, skills have cancelled each other out and I am back to the beginning
- Can not start a fire to save myself but if my survival partner is hot then I will cuddle the shit out of him and keep each other warm. Until he gets all gross and dirty and then I'm going home
- Will not eat anything yucky so will therefore come home looking very svelte.
- Have a negative attitude which will force the other person to be positive. You're welcome.
- Don't know the first thing about building a shelter but have watched men put up my tent many times and a beer would be nice. Also, I always say thank you and good manners are essential when one is in the wilderness
- Have given myself a PSR of 1.
*It's on the Discovery Channel so is obviously legit.
