Has anyone seen the show Naked and Afraid?* Basically a male and female are dropped off in a remote jungle, beach type area filled with all kinds of poisonous, bitey, killy things and expected to survive for 21 days. And they have to do it naked. They don't know each other but both have survivalist type skills either from the military or running survival schools.
Each brings one survival item - usually a machete and a fire starter. Neither of which was the first thing on my mind to bring - umm, shoes, chocolate, my own survival expert, food (invariably, there is very little food where they are and it all has to be caught and cooked and then there are dramas with getting fires started, not enough food that isn't a leaf or worm yadda yadda yadda. Have never actually seen anyone catch more than a snake, so am not convinced they are much chop with trapping and hunting skills), a blow up bed, a blankie, a helicopter to get me the hell out of there. Actually a helicopter is a brilliant idea. One of you brings the chopper and the other brings the pilot. You can sleep in it at night and stay warm without having to build a shelter. Then during the day you can fly around and find water and drop nets to trap wild animals. Why has no one ever thought of this? And they call themselves survivalists.
At the end of the 21 days they have to hike or swim to the extraction point where their emaciated bodies can barely muster up the strength for a high five. The best part? They always give the map to the woman. Which I am all in favor of although isn't the reason men aren't given the map because they refuse to stop and ask for directions when they are quite clearly lost? Am not sure that this works to the woman's advantage in the wilderness - have yet to see a wild animal point them in the right direction. God, it's such great TV! At the beginning their skills are assessed and they're given a PSR (Primitive Survival Rating) which is then re-evaluated at the end of the show after their performance. Being in a snit the whole time, cutting yourself with the machete 2 minutes into the show and eating things that are quite clearly poisonous will all lower your score.
About 5 episodes into a marathon watching session, I started thinking about my own survival skills and what I would bring to the table. I also noticed that despite watching multiple seasons, I had learned and retained nothing of the tips they were giving. Ergo, retention of knowledge is not on my list. However, the following is:
- Am very bossy
- Am also very lazy so like to think that bossy side will prevail but seems unlikely. Therefore, skills have cancelled each other out and I am back to the beginning
- Can not start a fire to save myself but if my survival partner is hot then I will cuddle the shit out of him and keep each other warm. Until he gets all gross and dirty and then I'm going home
- Will not eat anything yucky so will therefore come home looking very svelte.
- Have a negative attitude which will force the other person to be positive. You're welcome.
- Don't know the first thing about building a shelter but have watched men put up my tent many times and a beer would be nice. Also, I always say thank you and good manners are essential when one is in the wilderness
- Have given myself a PSR of 1.
*It's on the Discovery Channel so is obviously legit.
Some basic survival tips from a Zombie Survival Expert*.
- When a Zombie approaches, curl up in the fetal position and start keening. Or get up and run away. You have time to try them both out, Zombies don't have a lot of pace. See what fits you best. Just know that only one of these has the potential for survival for a little bit longer.
- When trying to kill a Zombie, don't get confused with vampires and aim a stake at their heart. Zombies are the undead, they're technically already dead so this can be confusing, especially when they bite you and it feels very real. Remember, a Zombie might be undead but you have to make them even more dead. Like dead to the power of three. You have to take out their brain** and I don't actually mean remove it from their head. That's very time consuming and likely to result in your death. You need to drive a pick-axe or some other sharp object into the brain so that it's destroyed. I find this somewhat ironic since Zombies aren't known for their intelligence and yet the brain is what keeps them going. Vampires aren't known for their kind hearts and yet that's what keeps them going. Whoever made all this stuff up had some very flawed logic.
- Don't make friends with a Zombie. And definitely don't fall in love with one. For all you cat ladies out there, this isn't actually your Plan B. It's Plan Terrible Choice.
- Learn to move like a Zombie. This is a no-brainer for when you get stuck in your local Zombie crowd and you need to blend in. I know all the kids these days feel sorry for those of us that didn't grow up with the iPhone etc but we grew up with Thriller so we already know how to do this. What are they going to do? Use their iPhone and call Ghostbusters? Oh wait, they didn't grow up with them either. Technology doesn't help you when you're about to be eaten.
- Keep it together. If you panic, you'll be one of the first to go. Zombies can smell fear. Also your trigger finger will be shaky and you'll miss the brain. And you won't come across very well in front of the ladies. Ladies, it's cool, you can lose your shit. The real men will save you***.
- Arm yourself. You may never have shot a gun before but when you're faced with a drooling mob of Zombies, you'll learn pretty quick. Get as many grenades, sub-machine guns, shotguns, rifles and bazookas as you can get your hands on. Try Wal-Mart. Failing that, shovels, pick-axes, knives and ice picks will do. If you don't have any of that, possibly a kite, squirt gun or some other toy will do****
- Reconsider where to base yourself. Small towns will have less people and therefore less infected people so less Zombies to fight. Also, when everyone else is dead and you are last man standing, you will be able to proclaim yourself Mayor. And you will own that town.
- Get supplies. See my Earthquake post as all of these same things apply. Earthquakes - Zombies, same same. Make a list and divide it up amongst your team. "I'll get the cake if you can get everything else."
- Go to higher ground. No, wait that's a Tsunami. If you go to higher ground in a Zombie ApApocalypse, they will go there too. But at least you'll all be safe when the Tsunami hits.
- Some recommend searching for survivors after the initial onslaught as apparently after a Zombie Apocalypse, you can get very lonely. We only have "I am Legend" to go on and I don't know about you but I don't think that movie was based on a true story. Anyway, I don't think I will get lonely, I am very well versed in hanging out by myself and I find that I am excellent company. I also don't want anyone touching my stuff.
*In addition to all the other things I am now calling myself. I am now calling myself a Zombie Survival Expert. Based on nothing.
**This is an actual fact. I got it off the internet. So it's real.
***You're all going to die.
****Just kidding. A kite? Really? What do you think you're going to do with that? Do you have visions of you on the beach with your Zombie flying a kite together? You're dead right out of the gate.
