"Can y'all understand me? I said y'all so you would feel more at home in your country with a foreigner talking to you. English is my first language. I'm often congratulated on my excellent grasp of it. But enough about me. No, really I couldn't possibly go on...oh ok, maybe just a quick summary". (No actual signs of interest but I think these people under-estimate how much I don't care).
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| Wish I'd thought to do a PowerPoint presentation. Ooh, with a laser pointer! |
"Well, I was born not very long ago because I'm still very young and I'm extremely beautiful and successful. As is my one-eyed cat." (Seeing some signs of (a) disbelief (b) boredom (c) complete lack of understanding or comprehension of my native tongue and (d) incredulity that I've managed to work a cat into the speech (I know, right?)
(I think this is going well, I don't need those people to stay. They really weren't contributing anything. And they're ugly. I hope they weren't part of the bridal party. Maybe they were brought in to make the bride and groom look better. Gonna take more than that. I'll just keep going, maybe throw in a joke).
(Right, well that was a mistake. Tough crowd. Granted, wasn't my best joke - punchline, smunchline - but at least I'm keeping it clean. There are children present, people. God - who brought children? Better take out the part later on where I say fuck, fuck, fuckety fuck. Or not. Maybe this is my chance to be a parent - en masse. They'll thank me later. I'm an excellent parent, look how well I raised my cat. And his eye).
"I'd like to thank everyone for coming. Especially those that have come a long way. And since I am not even from here, I probably came the furthest, so I'd like to thank myself. Good job, self." (Too much me? Ridiculous. There can never be too much me.)
"Can we all just reflect for a moment on how this all came to be?" (Wonder how this came to be?). Let's raise a glass to the happy couple. I said, let's raise a glass. Dang it. Can anyone translate for me? Oh you got 'dang it' but you can't put two and two together when I raise my glass?" (I've never done this before, but look how good I am at it. I think I've found a new business line. I'm going to end by giving out my name and number in case people need me for Bar Mitzvah's, birthday's etc. Maybe I should rap it? I don't know how to rap. Perfect place to debut my rapping emcee skills. Am sure this will work. I should probably say something else about those people over there as well, the bridey, groomy people. I might need them for a reference).
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