Who To Pick To Be On Your Team

When the Zombie Apocalypse comes, do you know who you want on your team?

Pick these:

1. Me - I always want to be picked first. I am useless except for crosswords. Think this is a valuable skill*
2. All the strong men. And not just cross-fit strong. Rugby strong with some speed under them. They need to be able to carry me when we are running away from the zombies. 
3. Handymen.  So they can repair plumbing** and other handyman things.  
4. Survivalists.  Once the food goes from the supermarkets, we will need these people to forage for us.  And then build us a bivouac*** and then cook our food. And maybe serve it to me too.  I don't need a tablecloth though.  I can rough it a little bit.
5. Beauticians.  No reason to let ourselves go.
6. A handful of feeble useless people with no skills  - we'll throw them at the zombies one at a time when we're being attacked to slow them down****.  
7. Vegetarians.  When we run out of food, us meat eaters won't be squeamish about eating them*****. 
8. Not technically people but necessary.  Big Macs.  And or Twinkies.  They never rot.  
9. Weapons specialist.  I'm thinking Robin Hood or Green Arrow with their bow and arrows, Jason and his chainsaw, GI Joe and his Heckler & Koch MP7A1 Sub-machine gun, Optimus Prime, Yeti and/or Chewbacca and Harry Potter******.  Also, the Mad Butcher (local guy in New Zealand but definitely would know how to cut a Zombie) 
10. Pets.  I think, and I'm pretty sure I know what I'm talking about, that once your pet gets bitten he/she becomes a Zombie pet that you can then keep on a leash and use to attack Zombies. No pets are exempt from this (except maybe fish) - imagine a herd of zombie birds, rabbits, hamsters, snakes (hard to keep on a leash), dogs and cats.  Maybe even a horse. You could get Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer to keep them all in line.  Especially the hamsters.  I heard they turn into alpha zombie hamsters if you give them too much leeway. 

My Zombie animal army.  Yeah, that's right, it's a zombie carrot.  Rabbit wouldn't be in the gang without his carrot friend.  Later on that evening, he ate him.  Zombies can't be friends.

Don't Pick these:

1.  Martial artists.  It's no good trying to kick a zombie to death, they'll just grab your leg and eat it.  Besides it seems like martial arts involve a lot of physical contact and no one really wants to get too close to a zombie, do they?  I'm not sure of the rules about zombies but I'm pretty sure that if you touch their flesh you die*******.  Maybe one of the sword toting martial arts might be acceptable.  Or if you can do that thing where you break a block of wood with your head.  You might impress a Zombie who will then let you go.  But I heard that they're hard to impress.
2. Children.  They'll just slow you down and eat your food.  You can always make more later 
3. Old people.  For the above reason.  You can't make more but you will eventually turn into one and then you'll get it.  If you haven't already been eaten.
4. Pacifists.   You can't reason with a Zombie.  You extend an olive branch and not only will you not have your olive branch but you won't have your hand either.  Don't know that I'd be very pacific after that.  Feel like that is not the correct use of the word "pacific" but it's an Apocalypse, I can't be stopping to deal with grammar.
5. Doctors.  They're no good to you.  Once you've been bitten, it's no good binding the wound or stitching it up.  You're infected.   You may as well take yourself off to the nearest vet and ask to be put down.  It's the responsible thing to do.
6. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  First of all, they're teenagers and therefore unreliable.  Secondly, they're already mutant so who is to say they're not secretly in league with the Zombies.  Third, they're not real and therefore useless in a fight against real things.  Like Zombies.
7. Positive people.  Even though you picked the best possible team, it is unlikely that you will survive for long.  You don't need this kind of false sense of security.  Sub-category: Annie.  The Sun will not come out tomorrow.  Because you will be dead. 
8. Negative people.   Whilst you are about to die, you don't need this kind of negativity in your life.
9. Your best friend.  Sooner or later, it's going to come down to you or them.  And it will never be you.  And you don't need that kind of guilt.  You have enough to deal with.
10. Accountants.  Sorry, but what do we need them for?   It's an Apocalypse.  There are no taxes. Want to calculate the number of people dead and the impact on the economy?  

Answer: No idea.  We didn't pick the Accountants.

 *Tis.
**Just because there has been a Zombie Apocalypse does not mean we have to live like animals. 
***Except for me because I will be living in the house that the aforementioned handyman built for me.  With a safe room. Only the people I like can live there with me.  Come on in, Albert.
****It's an Apocalypse, people.  This is no time to be a bleeding heart.  Remember, survival of the fittest.  And me.
*****Maybe a little bit.  I heard we taste like chicken.
******Yes, I realize these "specialists" are not real.  Unlike Zombies.  A little artistic license, please
*******Actually think this might be a lie.  I vote that the Vegetarians test it

********Think this asterisk system is getting out of control.