What To Do When You Meet A Zombie

Some basic survival tips from a Zombie Survival Expert*.

• When a Zombie approaches, curl up in the fetal position and start keening. Or get up and run away. You have time to try them both out, Zombies don't have a lot of pace. See what fits you best. Just know that only one of these has the potential for survival for a little bit longer.
• When trying to kill a Zombie, don't get confused with vampires and aim a stake at their heart. Zombies are the undead, they're technically already dead so this can be confusing, especially when they bite you and it feels very real. Remember, a Zombie might be undead but you have to make them even more dead. Like dead to the power of three. You have to take out their brain** and I don't actually mean remove it from their head. That's very time consuming and likely to result in your death. You need to drive a pick-axe or some other sharp object into the brain so that it's destroyed. I find this somewhat ironic since Zombies aren't known for their intelligence and yet the brain is what keeps them going. Vampires aren't known for their kind hearts and yet that's what keeps them going. Whoever made all this stuff up had some very flawed logic.
• Don't make friends with a Zombie. And definitely don't fall in love with one. For all you cat ladies out there, this isn't actually your Plan B. It's Plan Terrible Choice.
• Learn to move like a Zombie. This is a no-brainer for when you get stuck in your local Zombie crowd and you need to blend in. I know all the kids these days feel sorry for those of us that didn't grow up with the iPhone etc but we grew up with Thriller so we already know how to do this. What are they going to do? Use their iPhone and call Ghostbusters? Oh wait, they didn't grow up with them either. Technology doesn't help you when you're about to be eaten.
• Keep it together. If you panic, you'll be one of the first to go. Zombies can smell fear. Also your trigger finger will be shaky and you'll miss the brain. And you won't come across very well in front of the ladies. Ladies, it's cool, you can lose your shit. The real men will save you***.
• Arm yourself. You may never have shot a gun before but when you're faced with a drooling mob of Zombies, you'll learn pretty quick. Get as many grenades, sub-machine guns, shotguns, rifles and bazookas as you can get your hands on. Try Wal-Mart. Failing that, shovels, pick-axes, knives and ice picks will do. If you don't have any of that, possibly a kite, squirt gun or some other toy will do****
• Reconsider where to base yourself. Small towns will have less people and therefore less infected people so less Zombies to fight. Also, when everyone else is dead and you are last man standing, you will be able to proclaim yourself Mayor. And you will own that town.
• Get supplies. See my Earthquake post as all of these same things apply. Earthquakes - Zombies, same same. Make a list and divide it up amongst your team. "I'll get the cake if you can get everything else."
• Go to higher ground.  No, wait that's a Tsunami.  If you go to higher ground in a Zombie ApApocalypse, they will go there too.  But at least you'll all be safe when the Tsunami hits.
• Some recommend searching for survivors after the initial onslaught as apparently after a Zombie Apocalypse, you can get very lonely. We only have "I am Legend" to go on and I don't know about you but I don't think that movie was based on a true story. Anyway, I don't think I will get lonely, I am very well versed in hanging out by myself and I find that I am excellent company. I also don't want anyone touching my stuff.

*In addition to all the other things I am now calling myself. I am now calling myself a Zombie Survival Expert. Based on nothing.
**This is an actual fact. I got it off the internet. So it's real.
***You're all going to die.
****Just kidding. A kite? Really? What do you think you're going to do with that? Do you have visions of you on the beach with your Zombie flying a kite together? You're dead right out of the gate.

Who To Pick To Be On Your Team

When the Zombie Apocalypse comes, do you know who you want on your team?

Pick these:

1. Me - I always want to be picked first. I am useless except for crosswords. Think this is a valuable skill*
2. All the strong men. And not just cross-fit strong. Rugby strong with some speed under them. They need to be able to carry me when we are running away from the zombies. 
3. Handymen.  So they can repair plumbing** and other handyman things.  
4. Survivalists.  Once the food goes from the supermarkets, we will need these people to forage for us.  And then build us a bivouac*** and then cook our food. And maybe serve it to me too.  I don't need a tablecloth though.  I can rough it a little bit.
5. Beauticians.  No reason to let ourselves go.
6. A handful of feeble useless people with no skills  - we'll throw them at the zombies one at a time when we're being attacked to slow them down****.  
7. Vegetarians.  When we run out of food, us meat eaters won't be squeamish about eating them*****. 
8. Not technically people but necessary.  Big Macs.  And or Twinkies.  They never rot.  
9. Weapons specialist.  I'm thinking Robin Hood or Green Arrow with their bow and arrows, Jason and his chainsaw, GI Joe and his Heckler & Koch MP7A1 Sub-machine gun, Optimus Prime, Yeti and/or Chewbacca and Harry Potter******.  Also, the Mad Butcher (local guy in New Zealand but definitely would know how to cut a Zombie) 
10. Pets.  I think, and I'm pretty sure I know what I'm talking about, that once your pet gets bitten he/she becomes a Zombie pet that you can then keep on a leash and use to attack Zombies. No pets are exempt from this (except maybe fish) - imagine a herd of zombie birds, rabbits, hamsters, snakes (hard to keep on a leash), dogs and cats.  Maybe even a horse. You could get Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer to keep them all in line.  Especially the hamsters.  I heard they turn into alpha zombie hamsters if you give them too much leeway. 

My Zombie animal army.  Yeah, that's right, it's a zombie carrot.  Rabbit wouldn't be in the gang without his carrot friend.  Later on that evening, he ate him.  Zombies can't be friends.

Don't Pick these:

1.  Martial artists.  It's no good trying to kick a zombie to death, they'll just grab your leg and eat it.  Besides it seems like martial arts involve a lot of physical contact and no one really wants to get too close to a zombie, do they?  I'm not sure of the rules about zombies but I'm pretty sure that if you touch their flesh you die*******.  Maybe one of the sword toting martial arts might be acceptable.  Or if you can do that thing where you break a block of wood with your head.  You might impress a Zombie who will then let you go.  But I heard that they're hard to impress.
2. Children.  They'll just slow you down and eat your food.  You can always make more later 
3. Old people.  For the above reason.  You can't make more but you will eventually turn into one and then you'll get it.  If you haven't already been eaten.
4. Pacifists.   You can't reason with a Zombie.  You extend an olive branch and not only will you not have your olive branch but you won't have your hand either.  Don't know that I'd be very pacific after that.  Feel like that is not the correct use of the word "pacific" but it's an Apocalypse, I can't be stopping to deal with grammar.
5. Doctors.  They're no good to you.  Once you've been bitten, it's no good binding the wound or stitching it up.  You're infected.   You may as well take yourself off to the nearest vet and ask to be put down.  It's the responsible thing to do.
6. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  First of all, they're teenagers and therefore unreliable.  Secondly, they're already mutant so who is to say they're not secretly in league with the Zombies.  Third, they're not real and therefore useless in a fight against real things.  Like Zombies.
7. Positive people.  Even though you picked the best possible team, it is unlikely that you will survive for long.  You don't need this kind of false sense of security.  Sub-category: Annie.  The Sun will not come out tomorrow.  Because you will be dead. 
8. Negative people.   Whilst you are about to die, you don't need this kind of negativity in your life.
9. Your best friend.  Sooner or later, it's going to come down to you or them.  And it will never be you.  And you don't need that kind of guilt.  You have enough to deal with.
10. Accountants.  Sorry, but what do we need them for?   It's an Apocalypse.  There are no taxes. Want to calculate the number of people dead and the impact on the economy?  

Answer: No idea.  We didn't pick the Accountants.

 *Tis.
**Just because there has been a Zombie Apocalypse does not mean we have to live like animals. 
***Except for me because I will be living in the house that the aforementioned handyman built for me.  With a safe room. Only the people I like can live there with me.  Come on in, Albert.
****It's an Apocalypse, people.  This is no time to be a bleeding heart.  Remember, survival of the fittest.  And me.
*****Maybe a little bit.  I heard we taste like chicken.
******Yes, I realize these "specialists" are not real.  Unlike Zombies.  A little artistic license, please
*******Actually think this might be a lie.  I vote that the Vegetarians test it

********Think this asterisk system is getting out of control.

Zombies - A Definitive Guide

This week is Zombie week. I really want to do vampires which are much sexier but I don't want to jump on the vampire band wagon and be like everyone else. I bet you didn't know it was Zombie Week. It's a pretty big deal. All kinds of things planned - seminars, training*. All over the world people will be participating in Zombie Week. Except for the all over the world part. And the people part. It's just Zombie Week** on my blog. Nowhere else.

Right, finished first post about Zombie Week and managed to write almost nothing about Zombies. I think we'll call this a success.

*Actually no.
**Which could all change if (a) I get bored (b) can't think of anything to write and (c) get eaten by a Zombie.