New Year's Resolutions

Am still very weak and currently dictating this to the cat, but didn't want all 7 followers to leave me. It's taken 18 months to get them and I can't afford to lose anyone else from Latvia. So here you have them - my resolutions for this year*.

1. Never get as sick again as I have been. Which means no more going out in public, socializing with people and definitely no children. 2015 is the year of not leaving the house. Made an excellent start so far. Ordering food is the best - I buzz them into the building and tell them to leave it outside my door so I don't even have to have contact with the delivery person. Goes nicely with my other resolution about not putting my face in the sun. Trading skin cancer for Rickets. Is it the Rickets or just plain Rickets?
2. Invent the next best thing, retire and never do anything again. All from inside the house. Hopefully something can be invented from excessive amounts of cat fur because I don't want to have to go to Home Depot.
3. Stop buying pretty dresses. Except for the ones that I really need. Like ball gowns.
4. Learn how to repair holes in exhaust manifolds. Ignoring it has turned out to be a less than optimal solution.
5. Make more friends**. But without leaving the house. Or seeing them in person. So, basically pen pals. I'm bringing back pen pals. Email is is 2014.
6. Buy stocks in tissue companies. People use tissues like they're going out of style. Tissues have been my closest friend of late. Note to self: invent hands-free tissues.
7. Give less damns.  I don't even care if no one likes this post.  That's how good I am at this one.
8. Learn telepathy.  There's some people's heads I need to get inside.  So far this is working well with the cat.  Commanded him to sleep using just my thoughts and he was out like a light.  He even pre-empted my command and went to sleep before I even thought it.
9. Learn to drive with my eyes shut.  After I've mastered Telepathy so I can use my mind to tell people to get out of the way.  
10. Floss every day.  Why is this so hard?  

 

*I've decided to follow the Medieval calendar which celebrates the New Year from March 25th to April 1st. So technically my year isn't really starting just yet and I have until then to revise these Resolutions. Feel free to join me if your year started off with a cough and a lot of snot and you want a do-over.
**But not friends with kids. They make you sick.