Things I Don't Know How To Do...

But might have pretended that I do.

1. CPR. I have no formal training in CPR since I presume a couple of lessons in high school doesn't really count. However, I am pretty much qualified since I've seen a lot of TV medical dramas. Basically I'm probably already a qualified doctor with the number of hours I've logged. From now on, you should probably refer to me as Dr Finlayson, Thoracic Surgeon. I'm not entirely sure what "thoracic" refers to but it sounds awfully similar to "thorax" and I'm pretty sure that's the middle part of an insect. Ergo, I am a "middle part of the person" doctor and I think that's where one performs CPR. Breath, breath, push on chest and repeat. Or something like that. So no real need for CPR training*.
2. Butterfly stroke. But let's be honest, no one really knows how to do this. As long as you throw your arms around, bob up and down a bit, I think you can claim it as nailed. I don't recommend using this stroke when you're trying to get to someone to give them CPR. It's more of a staying in one place kind of a stroke.
3. Fly fishing. I've done it a couple of times with my grandfather. It wasn't a success. But I might have used that experience to claim the title "Professional Angler" once or twice. Possibly even exaggerated a little bit when on a date and had to cancel the next one because he wanted to go fly fishing. It's ok, it never would have worked. He didn't know CPR or butterfly. My only two requirements.
4. Car diagnostics. I have two go-to's for car problems. "It's your radiator" and "It's your carburettor". I confess to not knowing (a) what either looks like and (b) what either does. I just know that both are very expensive. To be fair, you shouldn't be asking me anyway unless you are comfortable with me using the two tools I own, to fix it. A hammer and a screwdriver.
5. My job. So far no one has noticed.
6. Ballet. I have had an awful lot of training, but it doesn't seem to have taken. So it's not that I don't know how to do it and haven't had any experience, it's more that it's not really in my wheelhouse. Thankfully, this is one of those things that I have not been called out on and asked for a demo.
7. Technology. For example, watch a DVD using my DVD player. I usually say it's broken. Cos I don't know what plugs into what and I seem to have an excess of cords. It's definitely broken.
8. Tie a cherry stem into a knot using my tongue. Well, I can, but I'm going to need you to sit there for a couple of hours. And not watch me. I've been told it's not my best look when I'm really concentrating on getting it done. Which I find hard to believe.
9. Run hurdles. I might have been able to do this back in my heyday. Which was around age 10. But I think my time has passed. And really, it's like math - never going to use it in my day job. Except that I kind of have to use math**.
10. Moonwalk. I think my ballet training might have impacted my ability here.

*Pretty sure someone will complain about this. Please send complaints to someone.
**I get around this by explaining that (a) Excel is clearly broken (b) math is also broken and (c) let's just use our words and the numbers will take care of themselves.