For The Ladies*

So as I embark on my latest plan to exterminate the fat from my body, I wondered to myself, how much of the following are specific to me and do other women also do this**?

• Buy a pack of 4 cupcakes as a special treat for the weekend whilst having friends to visit. Eat all 4 on the walk home and return to store. Twice more. This is actually pretty understandable when you have a long 5 minute walk home. What else are you supposed to do?
• Buy small cake. And an apple. So that cashier knows you live a balanced lifestyle.
• Show your level of organization by buying Easter eggs for your nieces, 2 weeks ahead of time. Have emotional breakdown one evening after imaginary TV character dies unexpectedly (and I mean no sign at all in the promos), soothe self with aforementioned Easter eggs. Buy more. Realize that next week is the funeral scene. More self soothing. Buy more. Ask store to ship directly as it's unlikely you will make it through the memorial episode. Congratulate self on making smart choices.
• Amass a large amount of food at the grocery store, take to checkout - ask cashier whether they think this will feed 4 people for a week. Successfully divert attention from the fact that this will feed you for the night. Because it's Friday and you have no date so you should make a date with food.
• Go to the snack cupboard at work for delicious processed cookies. Come back again ten minutes later but do a recon first and make sure that the two people that sit outside the kitchen aren't there so you don't have to explain why you are a greedy pig. If they are there, go back to office and sit there cursing their names under your breath. And then wait until they leave for the day. It's a fine line between when they leave and the cleaners come in...
• Eat donuts in your car.  Donuts are a solitary activity anyway so no need to share your gluttony with everyone
• Make batch of chocolate chip cookie dough.  Disregard all warnings about raw egg and eat anyway.  Realize do not have fresh baked cookies as a treat after eating the raw batter.  Got to store and buy cooked cookies.  Congratulate self on supporting business and therefore making the world go round.
• Eat an apple.  Dip it in caramel.  Still very good for you but resolve to lose the apple next time.
• Have some crackers with your wheel of brie
• Don't bother getting bread, you just need a spoon for peanut butter.  And if it's almond butter, it's totally fine to eat the whole jar at once. 

*Obviously this excludes most of my female friends but you can read it anyway.
**Please just let there be one other woman...

An Amendment to Yesterday's Post

Apparently there are some amendments/clarifications that I needed to make to yesterday's Naughty and Nice lists.

1. Retraction: To the certain nameless person that did not sign contracts when they were supposed to, even though the contract was for them and I went out of my way to make sure they were legally covered. You know who you are. Thanks for signing your contract. You are no longer fired, however you are still on probation and the "do not fly" list. Let's try a little harder in the New Year - no?
2. Replacement: The hammer that landed on my foot - you have been replaced by the drill that stabbed me in the toe.  I suspect collusion but I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.
3. No Change: Parking Nazi person - you're right where you belong.  Forever
4. Niceness: I was exceptionally nice yesterday so I now have a new pretty dress
5. Addition: Cookies - sorry, I totally forgot about you, you should have come after cake.
6. Switch: The Sons of Anarchy.  Apparently this is a TV show and not real so seemed a little unfair
7. Dual Representation: Am putting myself on the naughty list.  In hindsight, I have done some bad things this year - did not work-out every day, did not share my cake, said bad words to other drivers and some other stuff that I can't talk about.  For fear of arrest and my mother's disappointment.

An Open Invitation To My House For Thanksgiving/Rugby

Dear all of my friends*,

As most of you don't know, NZ is playing Ireland on November 25th which is close enough to Thanksgiving for me to combine the two. Since it's being played in Dublin, it's probably at some horrific hour but there's that whole time difference thing which is like long division and who can understand that? I asked for them to play around 9amish but it seems I no longer have the power to (a) convince New Zealand to play at a time more convenient to me or (b) reverse the world's time zones. I'm like Harry Potter but without magic. Or a wand. Or an owl. Or a broomstick**. Or an invisible cloak. Actually, it turns out, I'm not like him at all. That was a poor example.
Normally, I would have come up with some fancy invite but I forgot that I'm not a graphic designer. So I got out my stick and dirt. Drew a cool invite with my stick in the dirt but I can't figure out how to get it on my computer. If you want to come over, can you come look at my dirt invite? I'm going to need you to RSVP in the dirt.

I will make a full Thanksgiving dinner, provide you with beer and wine and sophisticated party snacks. I will also be making and decorating little rugby ball cookies. But if you show up and there aren't any cookies, just know that in my head they were delicious.

This is what I want them to look like.

If I'm lucky, they'll look like this

So, I think that went well,

You might want to bring a cushion or a chair as I have a three seater couch. If only 2 people show up, we will be fine. A little awkward perhaps, sitting side by side, staring straight ahead. Also, don't touch my stuff.

Hope to see you***,

K

*Hi Mum.
**Actually I have a broomstick but when I command it to fly, it just falls limply to the ground. So we just sweep instead.
***Not true. Also I have changed my mind about doing this.