For The Ladies*

So as I embark on my latest plan to exterminate the fat from my body, I wondered to myself, how much of the following are specific to me and do other women also do this**?

• Buy a pack of 4 cupcakes as a special treat for the weekend whilst having friends to visit. Eat all 4 on the walk home and return to store. Twice more. This is actually pretty understandable when you have a long 5 minute walk home. What else are you supposed to do?
• Buy small cake. And an apple. So that cashier knows you live a balanced lifestyle.
• Show your level of organization by buying Easter eggs for your nieces, 2 weeks ahead of time. Have emotional breakdown one evening after imaginary TV character dies unexpectedly (and I mean no sign at all in the promos), soothe self with aforementioned Easter eggs. Buy more. Realize that next week is the funeral scene. More self soothing. Buy more. Ask store to ship directly as it's unlikely you will make it through the memorial episode. Congratulate self on making smart choices.
• Amass a large amount of food at the grocery store, take to checkout - ask cashier whether they think this will feed 4 people for a week. Successfully divert attention from the fact that this will feed you for the night. Because it's Friday and you have no date so you should make a date with food.
• Go to the snack cupboard at work for delicious processed cookies. Come back again ten minutes later but do a recon first and make sure that the two people that sit outside the kitchen aren't there so you don't have to explain why you are a greedy pig. If they are there, go back to office and sit there cursing their names under your breath. And then wait until they leave for the day. It's a fine line between when they leave and the cleaners come in...
• Eat donuts in your car.  Donuts are a solitary activity anyway so no need to share your gluttony with everyone
• Make batch of chocolate chip cookie dough.  Disregard all warnings about raw egg and eat anyway.  Realize do not have fresh baked cookies as a treat after eating the raw batter.  Got to store and buy cooked cookies.  Congratulate self on supporting business and therefore making the world go round.
• Eat an apple.  Dip it in caramel.  Still very good for you but resolve to lose the apple next time.
• Have some crackers with your wheel of brie
• Don't bother getting bread, you just need a spoon for peanut butter.  And if it's almond butter, it's totally fine to eat the whole jar at once. 

*Obviously this excludes most of my female friends but you can read it anyway.
**Please just let there be one other woman...