All I Have Ever Wanted...

...is to be on the Ellen DeGeneres Show. Well, also I wanted a new car, a lot of fancy jewellery, a never-ending Nordstrom gift card and magical powers. Never a pony though. All those books and girls and their horses - a lot of use of the phrase "mucking out the stables" put me off. I'm not really a "mucking out" kind of a girl. I don't like strong smells. Or hard work. I'm the kid whose mother paid her to go along to the tip but on the condition that I not have to get out, could wear a scarf over my nose and make vomity sounds until we left...

And I don't really want to be on Ellen, well I do but I want a stunt double. I'm not big on people looking at me. You know those businesses have silent partners (probably drug dealers but I don't like to judge. Much). I would like to be a silent celebrity.  I'm not sure what I will do that will make Ellen want me to be on her show.  I've watched a lot of episodes and I've never seen anyone on there who hasn't done something extraordinary either due to their entertainment talent or for saving lives.  I mean there was that time I drove through the pouring rain to get Albert and his falling out eye to the cat eye doctor.  And then paid for it.  I think it's going to have to be something more though.  It's possible that my mathematical ability would do the trick and maybe she ask me to do fractions in the blink of an eye.  I hope she demonstrates with cake - not sure I can do fractions without cutting halves of cakes and eating them.  Anyway, it's not important right now, the important thing is that if anyone out there has any connections to the Ellen Show, if you help me get on, I promise that I would drive you across LA in rush hour traffic to the special person eye doctor if your eye ever fell out.  And you don't get an offer like that every day.

I'm pretty sure me on Ellen would go a lot like this.  First of all, I will do the interview from behind a curtain*, I really think I'll be a lot more comfortable with no one looking at me.

Me to Ellen: I can't believe I'm on the Ellen Show.   Can you?  Well, yes you probably can since you invited me here.  Well maybe not you exactly but the person that finds the people to come on and then the person that contacts them and then maybe the producer and probably the person who I drove across LA in rush hour traffic to the special person eye doctor when their eye fell out.  You may not know the story but I drove whilst holding their eye and singing along on the radio to distract them from the fact that their eye had fallen out and was in my hand.  I sang Eye of The Tiger** which in retrospect was probably a little insensitive.  That would have been a good one for Albert too - although he's more like "Eye of the Panther".

We would probably have some general chit chat about the amazing things/talents etc that I have and have done which is why I'm on the talk show rounds.  I just extended this to Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon.  I'll keep it small, I don't want to outstay my welcome with my 15 minutes of silent celebrity.

Then I'd get up and dance with her, you know Ellen likes to dance.  Michelle Obama just danced with her.  Everyone who's anyone dances with Ellen.  Except me, because I've just remembered I'll be behind my curtain.  Maybe I could do one of those sexy silhouette dances with just the outline of my body showing people how it's done.***

And we'll wrap it up with one of those free giveaway things.  I don't know if Ellen does the old Oprah trick of "everyone look under your chair!" but she will on my segment and everyone will get a surprise fancy paper goodie bag filled with two 100lb kettle bells (fitness is important), a Dyson vacuum cleaner (I really want one to see if they're as good as they say), a whole cake, a wig with your choice of hair color, some cheese and crackers and these super cool things that I just saw on As Seen On TV so you know they work.

Protect yourself from deadly farts with “the same fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons.”

 And a little something for the ladies to take home to their golfing husbands...

Just unscrew the cap of the fake golf club, clip the privacy towel on (this is key) and let 'er rip.  Then go on with the game as if nothing had happened being sure not to use the wrong club for your next shot...

And as a surprise bonus - one lucky person is just going to find one thing in their super fancy paper goodie giveaway bag.  That's right - Albert.

This is going to be great.

*Hopefully with sequins.  I mean I want my curtain to look good and make a nice impression.
**Which is probably about a one eyed Tiger since it's not called Eyes of the Tiger.
***I think we all know this is not going to happen.  It will be the first time the dancing segment is eliminated from the Ellen DeGeneres Show.  And then next week she will have me back again to talk about that.