All Good Things Must Come To An End

And some just ok things too. Like my blog. I've come to the conclusion that I need to put my blog on hold until some more people read it. Also, I have several other very important things in my life that I need to focus on right now:

1. Becoming President. Of anything
2. Reintroducing sugar to my life. Who knows how this is going to turn out. If I wake up in a bath of M&M's, is that a success or a failure? I say success...if it was empty except for a few stray ones then I think that would be more of a problem.
3. Matching my Tupperware lids to their corresponding containers.  This is full-time job only superseded by matching stray socks from the dryer.
4. Preparing for my Mother's visit - seriously, I need to start cleaning now.
5. That 10 minute power napping thing that's all the rage.  I get as far as 10 minutes and then all of a sudden, it's an hour later and I'm just waking up.     
6. Crow pose.  The amount of time I spend on my blog (a good 10 minutes each week) is seriously impacting my ability to do this yoga pose.  Also, my lack of arm and core strength and fear that I will pitch forward and land on my nose.  Which is already squashed flat enough as it is.
7. Finding Albert's missing eye.  I know I put it somewhere.
8. Picking some more skin off my never-ending peeling feet.
9. Learning how to fold a fitted sheet that isn't just rolling it around into a ball and pretending that's how it's done.
10. Finding myself.  Last seen walking into Nordstrom's... (which is not a terrible place to lose yourself)

Thanks to everyone that has read on a regular basis over the last 18 months.  For those that did not read on a regular basis and you know who you are...well, this message is probably pointless since you won't read this.  But just know, you are not getting a Xmas Card this year.
 
PS. Albert says...well, he didn't actually say anything because he's a cat, he can't read or write and he doesn't care about any of you.

All I Have Ever Wanted...

...is to be on the Ellen DeGeneres Show. Well, also I wanted a new car, a lot of fancy jewellery, a never-ending Nordstrom gift card and magical powers. Never a pony though. All those books and girls and their horses - a lot of use of the phrase "mucking out the stables" put me off. I'm not really a "mucking out" kind of a girl. I don't like strong smells. Or hard work. I'm the kid whose mother paid her to go along to the tip but on the condition that I not have to get out, could wear a scarf over my nose and make vomity sounds until we left...

And I don't really want to be on Ellen, well I do but I want a stunt double. I'm not big on people looking at me. You know those businesses have silent partners (probably drug dealers but I don't like to judge. Much). I would like to be a silent celebrity.  I'm not sure what I will do that will make Ellen want me to be on her show.  I've watched a lot of episodes and I've never seen anyone on there who hasn't done something extraordinary either due to their entertainment talent or for saving lives.  I mean there was that time I drove through the pouring rain to get Albert and his falling out eye to the cat eye doctor.  And then paid for it.  I think it's going to have to be something more though.  It's possible that my mathematical ability would do the trick and maybe she ask me to do fractions in the blink of an eye.  I hope she demonstrates with cake - not sure I can do fractions without cutting halves of cakes and eating them.  Anyway, it's not important right now, the important thing is that if anyone out there has any connections to the Ellen Show, if you help me get on, I promise that I would drive you across LA in rush hour traffic to the special person eye doctor if your eye ever fell out.  And you don't get an offer like that every day.

I'm pretty sure me on Ellen would go a lot like this.  First of all, I will do the interview from behind a curtain*, I really think I'll be a lot more comfortable with no one looking at me.

Me to Ellen: I can't believe I'm on the Ellen Show.   Can you?  Well, yes you probably can since you invited me here.  Well maybe not you exactly but the person that finds the people to come on and then the person that contacts them and then maybe the producer and probably the person who I drove across LA in rush hour traffic to the special person eye doctor when their eye fell out.  You may not know the story but I drove whilst holding their eye and singing along on the radio to distract them from the fact that their eye had fallen out and was in my hand.  I sang Eye of The Tiger** which in retrospect was probably a little insensitive.  That would have been a good one for Albert too - although he's more like "Eye of the Panther".

We would probably have some general chit chat about the amazing things/talents etc that I have and have done which is why I'm on the talk show rounds.  I just extended this to Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon.  I'll keep it small, I don't want to outstay my welcome with my 15 minutes of silent celebrity.

Then I'd get up and dance with her, you know Ellen likes to dance.  Michelle Obama just danced with her.  Everyone who's anyone dances with Ellen.  Except me, because I've just remembered I'll be behind my curtain.  Maybe I could do one of those sexy silhouette dances with just the outline of my body showing people how it's done.***

And we'll wrap it up with one of those free giveaway things.  I don't know if Ellen does the old Oprah trick of "everyone look under your chair!" but she will on my segment and everyone will get a surprise fancy paper goodie bag filled with two 100lb kettle bells (fitness is important), a Dyson vacuum cleaner (I really want one to see if they're as good as they say), a whole cake, a wig with your choice of hair color, some cheese and crackers and these super cool things that I just saw on As Seen On TV so you know they work.

Protect yourself from deadly farts with “the same fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons.”

 And a little something for the ladies to take home to their golfing husbands...

Just unscrew the cap of the fake golf club, clip the privacy towel on (this is key) and let 'er rip.  Then go on with the game as if nothing had happened being sure not to use the wrong club for your next shot...

And as a surprise bonus - one lucky person is just going to find one thing in their super fancy paper goodie giveaway bag.  That's right - Albert.

This is going to be great.

*Hopefully with sequins.  I mean I want my curtain to look good and make a nice impression.
**Which is probably about a one eyed Tiger since it's not called Eyes of the Tiger.
***I think we all know this is not going to happen.  It will be the first time the dancing segment is eliminated from the Ellen DeGeneres Show.  And then next week she will have me back again to talk about that. 

Chivalry Is Not Dead

Last night on my way to Trader Joe's, I was walking down the road behind a nice couple when he made her switch places with him so that he was on the road side and she was protected from any cars contemplating mounting the pavement and hitting her*. Very gentlemanly. So, I did the same with my partner. Switched my Nordstrom bag to the other hand so it was on the road side and could protect me**.

Initially I thought he could have been a bit more loving and held her hand like I was doing with my Nordstrom bag handle. But after listening to their conversation a bit more, I realized it was her brother. So, that's ok. Saw my opportunity and slipped my hand into his...***

*Although, the chances of him using his "about to be crushed" body to shield her seem a little unlikely.
**Nordstrom bags are know for their protection abilities. And even better, you can still return the item after it has been hit by a car, cos they'll take anything back. You don't even have to buy it from Nordstrom to take it back...although they drew the line at Albert.
***I know what you're thinking. I had to have been right up in their business at this stage and you were right. Also, there really wasn't room for three of us to walk on the sidewalk so I was sort of behind them holding his hand. I admit it - things were starting to get awkward****.
****Don't be ridiculous. Of course I didn't try and hold his hand. That's what crazy women do. I just kissed him good night and left it at that.