All Good Things Must Come To An End

And some just ok things too. Like my blog. I've come to the conclusion that I need to put my blog on hold until some more people read it. Also, I have several other very important things in my life that I need to focus on right now:

1. Becoming President. Of anything
2. Reintroducing sugar to my life. Who knows how this is going to turn out. If I wake up in a bath of M&M's, is that a success or a failure? I say success...if it was empty except for a few stray ones then I think that would be more of a problem.
3. Matching my Tupperware lids to their corresponding containers.  This is full-time job only superseded by matching stray socks from the dryer.
4. Preparing for my Mother's visit - seriously, I need to start cleaning now.
5. That 10 minute power napping thing that's all the rage.  I get as far as 10 minutes and then all of a sudden, it's an hour later and I'm just waking up.     
6. Crow pose.  The amount of time I spend on my blog (a good 10 minutes each week) is seriously impacting my ability to do this yoga pose.  Also, my lack of arm and core strength and fear that I will pitch forward and land on my nose.  Which is already squashed flat enough as it is.
7. Finding Albert's missing eye.  I know I put it somewhere.
8. Picking some more skin off my never-ending peeling feet.
9. Learning how to fold a fitted sheet that isn't just rolling it around into a ball and pretending that's how it's done.
10. Finding myself.  Last seen walking into Nordstrom's... (which is not a terrible place to lose yourself)

Thanks to everyone that has read on a regular basis over the last 18 months.  For those that did not read on a regular basis and you know who you are...well, this message is probably pointless since you won't read this.  But just know, you are not getting a Xmas Card this year.
 
PS. Albert says...well, he didn't actually say anything because he's a cat, he can't read or write and he doesn't care about any of you.

Making Gifts

This year I made a gift for someone that I met who has become very special to me. The idea behind making gifts seems like a good one. Unless you're a bit shit at crafts. Then you should buy a gift card. But that doesn't really convey the appreciation I have for him and how much he's helped me this year. I had hoped to give it to him for his birthday in April but turns out I am lazy. Plus I feel like April came around way too quickly this year. I mean just last year I was young and then all of sudden, my birthday hit in April and I was old. That's never happened before.

So, I finally got my shit together, well almost, and it's nearly done. I've been working on the accompanying note because it kind of has to come with a warning. I think the below conveys my thoughts adequately.

Dear X,

I made you a gift. I know what you're thinking - macrame pot plant holder, fabulous, just what you've always wanted. So now I've disappointed you because it's not actually that. 

And let me be the first to assure you that if you hate it, you can put it in the garage, basement, study or downstairs loo which is where all the crap craft generally ends up. I won't be offended. And if you say "Oh how interesting*", I'll know you are really thinking "This is not interesting at all, does anyone have any cake?"

First of all, this thing is really heavy so I'm going to need some help getting it out of the car when I drop it off. Second of all, some of the color might come off. On your clothes. So bring an apron to help me get it out of the car. And finally, it's really sharp in some spots. No joke, this thing will cut you, bitch**. To summarize, I'm giving you a heavy, dirty, razor-sharp dangerous cutty thing as a gift. So that sounds nice, doesn't it?

Oh and by the way, you can't put anything in it that will leak water. It will ruin it but slowly and then it will just make the relationship awkward and I'll have to go somewhere else for Yoga.

Thanks again!

Love me xx

*See Monday
**Don't really mean you are a bitch, I'm just trying to convey the sense of how sharp and dangerous this thing is. While making it I sustained multiple injuries and went through a lot of band-aids. Talk about blood, sweat and tears - all of these things are literally part of your gift. No poop though.

PS to everyone else: Don't tell him what it is because I haven't quite finished yet and I need the option to give it to him for his 2015 Birthday.  Just in case things don't go well - it's possible the cuts all over my hands will get infected and not heal.  I think it's pretty obvious what it is, so don't mention this, ok?

2014 Thanksgiving - Things I Am Thankful For

1. Someone else making Thanksgiving dinner
2. My Math ability
3. Some other things that I can't think of right now but am clearly very thankful for
4. My family. You have to put that one in otherwise you look mean.
5. That I can still fit into my jeans. No, not those ones. The post-Thanksgiving ones.
6. My breasts. They stop people looking at my thighs. What? Just trying a little turkey body part humor...don't make me whip out the wattle waddle.
7. My enormous brain. What? The title is not "Things I am thankful for and humble about."
8. My extreme beauty. Well, I may as well go for gold. Thanksgiving comes but once a year
9. My amazing goodness and kind heart. Ok, fine, That's pushing it.
10. The roof over my head. But not the bloody people that live on my roof. They need to stay very still inside their house and not move. Until I leave.
11. Yoga. And people that teach yoga. And my yoga pants. But mostly my yoga pants. There is a lot of room for error in yoga pants.
12. Not my hair. It's not what I wanted. Where is the long mermaid like locks that I'm owed? More than 30 years of growing it and where is my carefree weekend messy yoga bun? What I have is the size of a walnut shell on the top of my head. Nothing about that says carefree.*
13. Albert. Well, duh.
14. My Mazda - you just hang in there a little bit longer. Hey, how about we get your oil changed next week? Would you like that?
15. Sunshine. While the rest of the country freezes, we don't. Hahahahahaha.

*You have to put something in that you're not thankful for. It's like writing a performance review, you can't just talk about how great you are, you have to add something that you plan on working on. And you can't  call it a weakness or a lack of skills or even more bluntly "something you're a bit shit at". It's an "area of opportunity". I wrote this after I wrote my annual performance review. For which, by the way, I have given myself 14 gold stars, 11 silver ones, 203 brownie points and a big round of applause. There was no mention of the ratings system so I added my own...

Hard Lessons I Have Learned

• Pickles and yoga - not ideal. Not before or during. Possibly after.
• A chair on top of a stool is a questionable decision. Especially with a light bulb tucked securely in your bra.
• Unlimited pancakes, ribs, fries and soda will only end badly. And financially, it never works out.
• Don't wear your heart on your sleeve. Pop it in your pocket and zip it shut.
• Plan only for yourself. You're less likely to be unreliable than others. Does that sound bitter? Good.
• When a cat reaches a certain age, they are less than keen on getting in the shower with you. I Imagine children are much the same.
• Don't move house on your own. Get rich first and then pay people to do it.
• An eighth of a tank of gas is not something to gamble on. Even if you did careful mathematical calculations.  You can use those same mathematical calculations to calculate how far you'll have to walk to get to a gas station.
• The mirror in clothing stores is nothing but a liar.
• Balancing something, even for a second, will always result in breakage or spillage. 
• Just five more minutes in the sun was five minutes too much.  Same goes for just one more drink. And one more drink with just five more minutes in the sun should not be attempted by anyone.  Not even a ninja.
• You might be able to get into those jeans but you will then have to have intestinal surgery.
• Parking Nazi's are immune to all tales of woe.  You could lose both your legs and therefore be unable to move your car but if they've started writing that ticket, there is nothing, not even an act of God, that can stop it going through.
• There is always someone funnier, smarter and more beautiful than you.  Except if you are me.

The Calm That Yoga Brings

You're sitting there breathing into your core, out through your lats and letting everything go that happened that day for 90 minutes of "you" time. Nothing can disturb your zen-like flow. Except for the screeching outside of a car coming to an abrupt halt. You barely have time to move past that and continue your breathing because someone just smacked into the back of the first car. Collectively you all gasp which is a good indication that (a) None of us was actually in the zen-like zone and (b) we're all pretty nice because we felt bad. Well, not me because they should have been watching what they were doing, but everyone else*. This is not my first accident while at yoga, it's prime position for regular occurrences. Thankfully have not seen anyone get hurt.** 

Since I don't want to be insensitive and show a picture of the car crash (which would imply that I ran out of yoga and snapped a shot - which I did not.  Because no one else was going...) and I couldn't find any yoga pose crashes other than myself tipping forward in Crow and not so gently touching my nose to the ground, I am entertaining you all with a cute cat picture.

Honestly, you never know what you're going to get at yoga.

*Think they were checking out our Downward Dogs...
**Added that in case people thought my earlier comment was a bit callous.

Yoga - An Update

I now go to the world's best yoga studio - Yoga at the Raven. I'm kind of like one of those beautiful yoga people you see always walking around with their mats in their beautiful outfits and long flowing hair. Am just missing beautiful outfit and long flowing hair. Got the mat though. For those that didn't read my previous yoga post, I have just now figured out how I can link past posts and make you read or reread it. Actually very simple but we all have our challenges - only took 144 posts to make this happen. Am going to work this in to every post from now on. This is really going to up my page views. Please up my page views. 

Am still very much a beginner and have yet to master:

• Unrolling my mat and keeping it unrolled - slippery little bugger.  I go to sit down and all of a sudden it's behind me and I'm on the floor.  I just act cool and yoga-like.  So far only everyone has noticed. 
• Breathing - you know I really think my parents are to blame for this.  A little more attention to my breathing growing up and I would be able to slide into ahnsnsjajajhs* no problem.  Breathing is supposed to help you achieve some of the most difficult poses.  Just breathe and lift your body off the floor, piking up into a handstand, they said.  I breathed.  Then some more.  Little finger moved.  I'm going to call that "nailed it'.
• Chanting - so when we start, we begin with one or more "oms".  I feel like I have to confess something.  I can't make it through a single om.  My breath just runs out (see above for reasons why.  My parents).  So I do a sneaky double breath and jump right back in there.  I double om a single om.  Take that, om.  This past weekend I went to a different instructor and she was full on chanting, scared the crap out of me because my eyes were closed and I was just waiting for my om.  She was pretty amazing and then when she finished a series of words, everyone in the class repeated them with the same intonations and cadence.  Everyone except one.  Not me.  This other person.  Who was a statue.  I tried, I really did but part way through I would forget the words and have to do a little "boopity bop, itsy bitsy spider ramalamadingdong" and hope that no one noticed.  I cracked an eye open at one point and no one seemed to have noticed my variation.  Then I opened my eye again to see if anyone had noticed that my eye was open**.  I considered a drum solo but didn't want anyone to notice my lack of rhythm.  Hard to believe that you can be out of tune while chanting but again "nailed it."
• All poses - sometimes there are a lot of us as it's very popular and we're stacked up side by side which makes me nervous because I like to stay in my little spot at the back corner.  With the statue that has spiky prongs on it that sometimes attack you.  I always try and bow to it first to ward off potential attacks but sometimes I think it takes issue with my style.  Anyway, one wrong move in tree pose*** and you will knock the whole row down like a domino effect.  Tempting I know and if I hadn't had experience up the mountain taking out a bunch of ski school youngsters all lined up, I might try it.  Kids bounce, not sure about yogis.  

Thinking of having this made since I am so good.

Out of a possible 40. 

 I do have a couple of pointers:

•  No moisturizer.   You will transition way too quickly from Downward Dog to Flat on the Mat.   On the other hand it might make it easier to slide your leg behind your head.  Not for me but that's because my head is too big and I get a yogi pass**** on that one.
• A towel - I did not know I was going to sweat in yoga.   I thought I was going to lay down on a mat and then feel world peace.  Which I do but first I have to work hard and sweat.  Some of the guys take their shirts off.  I don't.  But I watch them to make sure they do it right.
• Corpse pose or Shavasana (I thought the English name was "Nap on a Mat" but my Sanskrit is off) comes very naturally to me. It's important to lie there like you are dead and not move.  I never completely relax though in case I fall asleep and wake up to a chalk outline. Also, watch your snoring.  If you interrupt my corpse posing, I will hit you with my block.

Not a yoga mat...

*I don't know what this is but I believe it's very difficult.  Also, not a pose. 
**Also to make sure no one was cheating and had their eyes open.  All good. 
***Check me out, name dropping my poses 
****Also I have now invented a new thing called Yogi Passes.  For when I can't do something.  A yogi pass strongly resembles cake but it's very different 

A Short Story

One time last week I went to a charity art show. It was very bad so I went to a bar and had sangria which was very good.

The End.

Want another one?

Last week I went to yoga and while I was in a pose, my yoga instructor complimented my on my style.  He said my breathing was outstanding.  Which was good because I felt it was a bit sub-par and was thinking of stopping.  Gave me the confidence to go on.

The End. 

Ok, last one.  It's a photo story

 Albert was given a gift.  He immediately started playing with it.  This is why he can't have nice things.

Trying New Things

I admit to having some issues. Clothes color-coded in my wardrobe. Which is actually normal and very helpful. Separating out M&M's into their color groups which is also completely normal as it's very bad to mix the colors in your stomach. I think it causes tuberculosis.* I also like to match my outfit to my cat - this just makes good fashion sense, thankfully he's not a ginger tabby which would be much harder to match with.

On further reflection, it looks like I don't actually have any issues and am completely normal. Perfect, even.

But in the interests of becoming a better person**, I have a new plan***, every time I feel the need to indulge in any one of my issues, I have to go and do a handstand. Who was expecting that? I was just reminded about handstands in a recent yoga class where I was commended for my excellent form and ability. The instructor asked where I learned my skills - childhood and pole dancing class. He was not expecting that.  So, just as soon as I receive my life alert pendant, I will be solving all my problems with handstands.   Safety first. Although, if things go horribly wrong and while upside down, without my helmet, I land awkwardly, I will have much bigger issues to worry about. Win win, really.

Who's with me?

*Not yet verified. But I think most of you remember my struggle with Tuberculosis from earlier posts and I distinctly recall mixing up my M&M's and eating them right before I got hit with the disease.
**Which is hard when you've just pronounced yourself perfect
***Not my idea but claiming it as mine.  especially if it works.

Great Invention Ideas I have Had

• This Blog
• Velcro Wall Wardrobe - this one's a winner. Pretty sure there's going to be rush on velcro after work tonight. Wallpaper a wall in your room with the prickly side of velcro, sew a small piece of the fuzzy side to all your clothes. Instead of having to hang them up, just throw them at the wall. You're welcome.

Solving two problems at a time:

• Fat stations - if we could power our cars by sucking the fat out of people you could just pull into a fat station, hook yourself up to a fat volunteer, fill up with fat. You get free fuel, fat person gets thin. No more pollution, no more obesity. Genius.
• Feed the fat people to the hungry. No more obesity, no more starving people. World Problem's No.4 and 5 - cracked it.
• Using the skins off garbanzo beans (chickpeas) as contact lenses. I'm like Fred Hollows but without any qualifications. Or skills. Also I don't save Australian eyes*

Plenty more where this came from.  A can.  $1.43.

• I just had this idea today after my third ever yoga class last night.  Now that I'm a yoga teacher,** I think I'll open a yoga studio and have everyone just show up with their mats, unroll them, then...nap.  It's a different style of yoga.  New.  Its origins are from my head.  You should stay in the nap pose for an hour.
• I can't tell you in case you steal it for yourself. 

*Look him up.  Try and ignore the part about where he defected from NZ to Australia and focus on the good he did.  The Australians take all our good stuff - pavlova, Crowded House, Phar Lap, meat pies, the electric fence, spreadable butter, probably our sheep.  Then they turn around and try and give us their crap in exchange - prisoners (and pass them off as citizens), possums, spiders of a ridiculous size.  Probably cholera and plague (there's no evidence online because they stole the internet too). 
**Self-appointed.  The nap part is just until I learn more than Downward Dog.  Is fetal position, a position?  I'm good at that.  I practice for the bear attacks.

How I do Yoga

Get to Yoga studio for first time, super exciting because everyone appears to have a nap mat. Have been prepping for this for some time by shaving legs in shower - it's a newer yoga pose. Luckily I had some wine before I came because I thought it would relax me more and I'd be more limber. I'm very relaxed. Drunk even. I'm in the yoga zone and reflecting on Drunk Yoga - is that a thing? I should make that a thing.

Up until now, none of my yoga pants have ever been to yoga so they're excited.  It's their chance to get off the couch. I might not have been to a studio, however, I've been doing a lot of Bikram yoga, except at room temperature and no stretching and in my bed and watching the TV. Going for the real thing now - going to make this a hobby*

When you're at yoga, you have to concentrate on nothingness and feel your inner peace. I'm having trouble finding my inner peace but I think it's cos I have the wrong pants on and this top is a different brand and my pants and top are fighting.  Nike Pants: 1.  Gap Top: 0.  Nike is wearing the pants in this relationship.  Wonder what would happen if I brought LuluLemon into the mix? Ok, back to thinking about nothing.  Why is nothing so full of thoughts?

1. I’m doing this! I’m totally this! I'm some kind of yoga genius.  I definitely burned off that free cake from work**
2. I need a new sports bra. I should get some lululemons. Not to fit in, just because I think I'll make them look really good. Then they'll probably want to give me free stuff. Yes, this will happen.
3. It’s definitely been an hour. Where’s the clock? Wait. There is no clock. No clock? This must be what prison is like***.
4. I probably have like a million text messages. Everyone must be wondering, “Where is Kirsten?”**** I didn’t even have time to tweet or check in.
5. I do not know any of these “songs.” I think whales are singing to tropical rain forests. It's really hard to sing along. Note: Don't pick this at karaoke.
6. I’m dying. Getting in this position was a bad idea. I'm going to need help.
7. I’m totally going to eat cake after this. Or maybe salmon. Got it – salmon cake. Brilliant.
8. Breathe in on 1 and out on 2, in on 1,out on 2...shit, I'm off. Yoga is not for the rhythmically challenged. Too much breathing in, not enough out, can't conti....

*I'm a master of starting new hobbies.  Three this week alone.  I'm so good at new hobbies that I only have to do them once and then I'm done.
**Note to self: Just because it’s free, doesn’t make it fat-free. I should tweet that.
***Ask person next to me if they think it's been an hour. THIS IS AN HOUR AND A HALF CLASS! How did this happen? When I was drinking? I've got to get out of here. Somebody call me and pretend it's an emergency. What's that, Timmy fell down the well again? I'm on my way.
***Confirmed at end of class. No one was wondering

Dumb Stuff I have Done...Just This Week Alone

Today I drove to work with the emergency brake (handbrake for the rest of the world) on. That doesn't say a lot for me but it really doesn't say much for the EMERGENCY BRAKE. Basically just a stick that makes the car smell burny when it's on.

At work there is a lot of construction going on and when you drive into the parking garage, you have to go underneath some scaffolding that's forming a bridge with workers on it and over some metal plates. Today I thought I would carefully drive around the metal plates because I had a sudden thought that the edges might puncture my tire. Because of my careful maneuver, my tires were not punctured at all...and I didn't the hit the scaffolding all that hard.

Walked into a clothing store (Guess, actually), was walking towards the back when I saw this girl that looked exactly me. And then I hit the mirror. So did she. I brushed it off by examining the mirror quality closely and then sauntered away. No one was fooled. So I nonchalantly leaned over a jewelery display case right next to a fan and my hair went into the fan. I still have most of it. The fan has the rest. Can't go back there again.

Thought I could do yoga at home by myself - got into yoga position. Still there. 

On a side note, did an asset inventory of my kitchen cupboards: 17 round Tupperware containers, 2 square lids.