Monday Thoughts

"That's so interesting"
"Hmm, interesting"
"Really, how interesting"

No one thinks it's interesting when they these things. Secretly they are thinking about cake.

Other things people say that they actually don't mean:

1. Take care. Take care when and of what? And for how long? Until you see them next? I think this might be a cop out. Because if something happens to them between the time you saw them and said it and the next time you saw them, it's clearly not your fault because you told them to take care and they apparently did not.
2. Thinking of you. For how long are you thinking of them? Because if you're not thinking of them constantly for ever and ever then you're not doing it right. You have to be more specific. For instance: "Thinking of you between the hours of 10am and 11am for the next two days". Then you're on your own.  Although that seems like quite a long time to just sit and think of someone.  I can't even get through 8 minutes of Shavasana, thinking of nothing.  Also what happens if the thoughts of them that you are thinking aren't very nice?  I think to really cover yourself you should go with "Will be thinking only nice thoughts of you and possibly sending good vibes for 8 minutes starting at 10am tomorrow".  Disclaimer: These are thoughts and vibes only, there are no promises that anything will come out of this.
3. Praying for you. I don't use this one since I don't do any praying. Except when I really need something and quite frankly that has not panned out since I didn't win Powerball. Again. Possibly my prayers were not directed in the right way or to the right person.  Because someone at the Lottery Commission is not getting them.

Living In LA

People always ask me how can you live here? It's pretentious, they say. Well I live here and I'm not pretentious - have you seen my car? I can't be the only one. Statistically speaking and I've done the calculations which I think we all know will be pretty much almost correct,* that's impossible.

If I ever take a boy I like to Yoga, I'm gonna ask my teacher to do all the poses, I'm good at. That'll impress him. That's not pretentious, that's just an hour and forty minutes in shavasana** 

Then I ran into this at the fancy supermarket that I don't like to shop at because the wheatgrass and kale things scare me.  But also, I am lazy and it's a 2 minute walk from my house.  And if you put sugar and cake on wheatgrass, it's delicious.  I admit, this might be a little pretentious...although to be fair, it appears to come from New Jersey.

I don't know what this means but I am not drinking anything with Fulvics in it.  Sounds like pelvic and that's just not the area of the body I want involved in my drinking water...it's literally black water. 

*Came out to 12 degrees. So, that sounds right.
**Corpse pose for you non-yogis. Involves lying completely still on the ground and thinking about nothing. It's still a work in progress cos I get itches but nearly got it...

50 Shades Of Shavasana

I don't really know what that title means but I thought of it during shavasana so I think that means something. I think it also means that I wasn't supposed to be thinking of things other than nothing while I was practicing shavasana. Here's a list of some other things that I wasn't thinking:

1. I have laundry to do - why I am lying here doing nothing when I have laundry to do?
2. This floor slopes downwards. That's probably why my ankles look fat. It's not me, it's the floor.
3. I am thinking of nothing, I am thinking of nothing. Cow wearing tap shoes. Shit.
4. Shavasana, schmasana. Hmm. That's one word that doesn't really work with the whole "sch" thing. It's no Joe Schmoe.
5. I wonder what that person next to me would do if I touched their arm. If she touched my arm, I'd bite her. I have a no touch during shavasana rule
6. The first rule of shavasana is that nobody talks about shavasana. That's because we all feel guilty for not thinking about nothing.
7. If I'm not thinking about nothing, does that mean I'm thinking about something? How does that work with double negatives? Aren't I supposed to be in an enlightened frame of mind right now. Enlightened feels an awful lot like confused.
8. I'm hungry
9. Well, now everyone can hear that I'm hungry. The whale mating sounds aren't coming from the relaxing music.
10. I can never come back here again
11. "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!" There's no clapping in Shavasana
12. Was Yogi Bear a Yogi? "Hey there, Boo, Boo - let's make our way to Downward Dog."
13. Focus, Focuus, Fooccuuussss. Nope. Lost it.
14. This music is very soothing. I bet I couldn't dance to it. 
15. I love everyone.
16. Wait.  Not everyone.  I don't love that screaming child outside.
17. I love almost everyone.  Just not that kid, the firetruck, ambulance, those people staring at us and some others that come to mind.
18. I'm mildly fond of just a few people.
19. I hate everyone. 
20. Am I at 50 yet?  I might have to skip a couple.  Maybe no one will notice.
21. 20 is the new 50.  That doesn't even make sense.
22. Well shit, now I finished on an odd number.  I don't trust odd numbers
23. I was born on an odd number.  Maybe it's even numbers I don't trust.  
24. All numbers are bad as soon as you have to do math-like things with them.
25. I guess 25 is the new 50.    

Yoga - An Update

I now go to the world's best yoga studio - Yoga at the Raven. I'm kind of like one of those beautiful yoga people you see always walking around with their mats in their beautiful outfits and long flowing hair. Am just missing beautiful outfit and long flowing hair. Got the mat though. For those that didn't read my previous yoga post, I have just now figured out how I can link past posts and make you read or reread it. Actually very simple but we all have our challenges - only took 144 posts to make this happen. Am going to work this in to every post from now on. This is really going to up my page views. Please up my page views. 

Am still very much a beginner and have yet to master:

• Unrolling my mat and keeping it unrolled - slippery little bugger.  I go to sit down and all of a sudden it's behind me and I'm on the floor.  I just act cool and yoga-like.  So far only everyone has noticed. 
• Breathing - you know I really think my parents are to blame for this.  A little more attention to my breathing growing up and I would be able to slide into ahnsnsjajajhs* no problem.  Breathing is supposed to help you achieve some of the most difficult poses.  Just breathe and lift your body off the floor, piking up into a handstand, they said.  I breathed.  Then some more.  Little finger moved.  I'm going to call that "nailed it'.
• Chanting - so when we start, we begin with one or more "oms".  I feel like I have to confess something.  I can't make it through a single om.  My breath just runs out (see above for reasons why.  My parents).  So I do a sneaky double breath and jump right back in there.  I double om a single om.  Take that, om.  This past weekend I went to a different instructor and she was full on chanting, scared the crap out of me because my eyes were closed and I was just waiting for my om.  She was pretty amazing and then when she finished a series of words, everyone in the class repeated them with the same intonations and cadence.  Everyone except one.  Not me.  This other person.  Who was a statue.  I tried, I really did but part way through I would forget the words and have to do a little "boopity bop, itsy bitsy spider ramalamadingdong" and hope that no one noticed.  I cracked an eye open at one point and no one seemed to have noticed my variation.  Then I opened my eye again to see if anyone had noticed that my eye was open**.  I considered a drum solo but didn't want anyone to notice my lack of rhythm.  Hard to believe that you can be out of tune while chanting but again "nailed it."
• All poses - sometimes there are a lot of us as it's very popular and we're stacked up side by side which makes me nervous because I like to stay in my little spot at the back corner.  With the statue that has spiky prongs on it that sometimes attack you.  I always try and bow to it first to ward off potential attacks but sometimes I think it takes issue with my style.  Anyway, one wrong move in tree pose*** and you will knock the whole row down like a domino effect.  Tempting I know and if I hadn't had experience up the mountain taking out a bunch of ski school youngsters all lined up, I might try it.  Kids bounce, not sure about yogis.  

Thinking of having this made since I am so good.

Out of a possible 40. 

 I do have a couple of pointers:

•  No moisturizer.   You will transition way too quickly from Downward Dog to Flat on the Mat.   On the other hand it might make it easier to slide your leg behind your head.  Not for me but that's because my head is too big and I get a yogi pass**** on that one.
• A towel - I did not know I was going to sweat in yoga.   I thought I was going to lay down on a mat and then feel world peace.  Which I do but first I have to work hard and sweat.  Some of the guys take their shirts off.  I don't.  But I watch them to make sure they do it right.
• Corpse pose or Shavasana (I thought the English name was "Nap on a Mat" but my Sanskrit is off) comes very naturally to me. It's important to lie there like you are dead and not move.  I never completely relax though in case I fall asleep and wake up to a chalk outline. Also, watch your snoring.  If you interrupt my corpse posing, I will hit you with my block.

Not a yoga mat...

*I don't know what this is but I believe it's very difficult.  Also, not a pose. 
**Also to make sure no one was cheating and had their eyes open.  All good. 
***Check me out, name dropping my poses 
****Also I have now invented a new thing called Yogi Passes.  For when I can't do something.  A yogi pass strongly resembles cake but it's very different