How I do Yoga

Get to Yoga studio for first time, super exciting because everyone appears to have a nap mat. Have been prepping for this for some time by shaving legs in shower - it's a newer yoga pose. Luckily I had some wine before I came because I thought it would relax me more and I'd be more limber. I'm very relaxed. Drunk even. I'm in the yoga zone and reflecting on Drunk Yoga - is that a thing? I should make that a thing.

Up until now, none of my yoga pants have ever been to yoga so they're excited.  It's their chance to get off the couch. I might not have been to a studio, however, I've been doing a lot of Bikram yoga, except at room temperature and no stretching and in my bed and watching the TV. Going for the real thing now - going to make this a hobby*

When you're at yoga, you have to concentrate on nothingness and feel your inner peace. I'm having trouble finding my inner peace but I think it's cos I have the wrong pants on and this top is a different brand and my pants and top are fighting.  Nike Pants: 1.  Gap Top: 0.  Nike is wearing the pants in this relationship.  Wonder what would happen if I brought LuluLemon into the mix? Ok, back to thinking about nothing.  Why is nothing so full of thoughts?

1. I’m doing this! I’m totally this! I'm some kind of yoga genius.  I definitely burned off that free cake from work**
2. I need a new sports bra. I should get some lululemons. Not to fit in, just because I think I'll make them look really good. Then they'll probably want to give me free stuff. Yes, this will happen.
3. It’s definitely been an hour. Where’s the clock? Wait. There is no clock. No clock? This must be what prison is like***.
4. I probably have like a million text messages. Everyone must be wondering, “Where is Kirsten?”**** I didn’t even have time to tweet or check in.
5. I do not know any of these “songs.” I think whales are singing to tropical rain forests. It's really hard to sing along. Note: Don't pick this at karaoke.
6. I’m dying. Getting in this position was a bad idea. I'm going to need help.
7. I’m totally going to eat cake after this. Or maybe salmon. Got it – salmon cake. Brilliant.
8. Breathe in on 1 and out on 2, in on 1,out on 2...shit, I'm off. Yoga is not for the rhythmically challenged. Too much breathing in, not enough out, can't conti....

*I'm a master of starting new hobbies.  Three this week alone.  I'm so good at new hobbies that I only have to do them once and then I'm done.
**Note to self: Just because it’s free, doesn’t make it fat-free. I should tweet that.
***Ask person next to me if they think it's been an hour. THIS IS AN HOUR AND A HALF CLASS! How did this happen? When I was drinking? I've got to get out of here. Somebody call me and pretend it's an emergency. What's that, Timmy fell down the well again? I'm on my way.
***Confirmed at end of class. No one was wondering