Weekends

Every once in a blue moon every Saturday and Sunday, I like to sleep in, laze around, not get showered or dressed and do nothing. It's kind of my secret shame and I'm exposing it to the world (because the world reads my blog) in the hopes that I will do something about it. Which is unlikely. I do lie in bed and feel guilty about the kids having to get their own breakfast, entertain themselves and get ready for the day and then I remember that I have imaginary children and they are just fine. In fact I'm doing an excellent job of raising them. I give myself 10 points and stay in bed. The only problem is that during the week, dragging myself out of bed when the alarm clock goes off looks like a zombie apocalypse but on the weekends, I'm wide awake at 6am - I lie there and focus really hard on going back to sleep but it's useless. My body says sleep but my brain wants to lie there and think about every stupid decision I've ever made.  Which is a lot.

This Saturday was no exception so I lay and read instead. Then I got hungry so got up and took laziness to a whole other level - put a skirt on and wore it as a dress because I was too lazy to put on a top. I barely made it to the couch before I had to sit down and relax some more. I tried to mentally cook my eggs but that does not work. So I sat there and weighed up my laziness versus my hunger. Laziness reigned supreme for another hour and then hunger reared its ugly head so I made food. Which was exhausting and resulted in a another spell on the couch.

I thought about doing some laundry which also does not actually mean laundry gets done. Even if you think real hard. Eventually you catch up on all your recorded shows and boredom makes you leave the house. So you go to Rite-Aid and have a fight with the photography department - turns out 2 day photos means 7 day photos. If your original offer was an hour, how is it now taking 7 days?  Stop off at Target to buy a cake pan and spend the equivalent of a small country's GDP. Drop in at the local 99c store and get the same amount of stuff as purchased at Target for $25. Drive back to Target and return the mango cutter, ornamental pepper plant and both skirts. Drive to Trader Joe's, circle parking lot several times looking for a car park, decide that food is not necessary this week and go home to collapse on the couch. Again. And that was just Saturday.

Sunday was a little bit different because I'd made plans to meet a friend at the Farmer's Market, which I immediately regretted once I woke up and the laziness took over. But plans are plans so I made my way there. I cannot in all honestly say that I showered. But I did leave the skirt-dress-top combo at home. And of course it was totally worth it once I got there. Turns out, I actually saved myself some time and effort by eating samples - that way you don't have to make yourself breakfast.

After all that excitement, it was time to head back to the couch. And then without any warning, Sunday was over.  Thankfully I accomplished all of my goals of nothing. I'm an over-achiever.

I make no apologies for my laziness, I'm just sorry when someone knocks on the door and I get caught with bed hair and a skirt as a dress*. I work hard during the week and one of the joys of being childless and single is that you can do whatever you want...because you are hidden away in your house and no one can see your shame. Also, this is all lies, I actually ran 20 miles both days, cleaned house from top to toe, did my laundry and everyone else's in the neighborhood, wrote an award winning novel, made cakes for bake sales at my imaginary kids' school and changed the oil in the car. What did you do?**

*However I do crawl around on the floor like a ninja so that they can't see me.  On occasion this has backfired and I have been seen crawling around the floor, apparently in a very un-ninjalike fashion.
**Sentence designed to make you feel lazy and inadequate which is totally unnecessary because obviously I didn't do any of those things, I am trying to make a point which has gotten lost because I forgot what it was.  If you're feeling like you might be a bit lazy, here are the 5 symptoms of laziness:

1.