I have nemesis's. Nemesisi? Nemesisses? Nemeses? What the hell do I have if I have more than one?? What I am trying to say is that I have several things that I am in mortal terror of and can also now add "pluralization"*. According to the dictionary, nemesis" is something that is your downfall. Which sounds about right when I think about cake.
However, my biggest nemesis is this...the cockroach. Recently, this morning, while lying prone on the couch trying to recover from making breakfast, I noticed out of the corner of my eye, a cockroach. Let me be clear, this is the first cockroach I have seen in my house since I moved to LA and is in no way a reflection of my cleaning habits which my mother can attest to being obsessive. I learned everything I know from her. If you pay someone to come and clean your house, you must clean it thoroughly yourself first so that they do not think you are pigs. If you are going on vacation, you must vacuum the ceilings. Regardless of how high and difficult it is, you must get up on ladders and scaffolding and wash your windows - fear of falling and killing yourself is second to fear of people seeing your dirty windows. Also, in case the Queen comes to visit, you must always have freshly washed floors and you can't use a mop, you must get down on your hands and knees. Because the more pain you are in, the cleaner it will be.
Anyway. I don't like cockroaches - nobody does but I have a mortal fear of them. Spiders are fine but cockroaches will kill you**. We get a lot of them in New Zealand and my mother will tackle the shit out of them - they run when they see her. This one saw me and raised its middle finger***. I looked at him and yelled "release the hounds". But, I don't have hounds. I also don't think they attack cockroaches but I had to do something effective****. Then I got the cat, placed his right (and only) eye in front of the cockroach and gave the attack command. He looked at the cockroach, then at me and went to his safe place under the couch. I am starting to question his usefulness. In anything.
So I have done the only thing I can do, called my mother to fly out and fix the problem. I've packed a bag and I'll be at the hotel down the road until the situation is resolved.
*Thought it wasn't a word, looked it up, is a word. Faced my fear and no longer have plurals on the nemesis list.
**Not confirmed by anyone but me because one of them told me he would kill me and he was very convincing.
***Cockroaches have very small fingers that you can't see. Probably.
****Not effective
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