2014 Thanksgiving - Things I Am Thankful For

1. Someone else making Thanksgiving dinner
2. My Math ability
3. Some other things that I can't think of right now but am clearly very thankful for
4. My family. You have to put that one in otherwise you look mean.
5. That I can still fit into my jeans. No, not those ones. The post-Thanksgiving ones.
6. My breasts. They stop people looking at my thighs. What? Just trying a little turkey body part humor...don't make me whip out the wattle waddle.
7. My enormous brain. What? The title is not "Things I am thankful for and humble about."
8. My extreme beauty. Well, I may as well go for gold. Thanksgiving comes but once a year
9. My amazing goodness and kind heart. Ok, fine, That's pushing it.
10. The roof over my head. But not the bloody people that live on my roof. They need to stay very still inside their house and not move. Until I leave.
11. Yoga. And people that teach yoga. And my yoga pants. But mostly my yoga pants. There is a lot of room for error in yoga pants.
12. Not my hair. It's not what I wanted. Where is the long mermaid like locks that I'm owed? More than 30 years of growing it and where is my carefree weekend messy yoga bun? What I have is the size of a walnut shell on the top of my head. Nothing about that says carefree.*
13. Albert. Well, duh.
14. My Mazda - you just hang in there a little bit longer. Hey, how about we get your oil changed next week? Would you like that?
15. Sunshine. While the rest of the country freezes, we don't. Hahahahahaha.

*You have to put something in that you're not thankful for. It's like writing a performance review, you can't just talk about how great you are, you have to add something that you plan on working on. And you can't  call it a weakness or a lack of skills or even more bluntly "something you're a bit shit at". It's an "area of opportunity". I wrote this after I wrote my annual performance review. For which, by the way, I have given myself 14 gold stars, 11 silver ones, 203 brownie points and a big round of applause. There was no mention of the ratings system so I added my own...

Things I Don't Know How To Buy*

• Computers. The good news is I work in Digital Technology. The bad news is, none of it appears to have rubbed off. I know I need GB's and RAM and Space Invaders but that's about it.
• Cars. The important things like heated seats are apparently only important to me. Imagine my joy on discovering that there was also such a thing as heated steering wheels. And then I find myself offering $10,000 more for these assets while the car salesman looks on...somewhat embarrassed by my inability to negotiate off MSRP**.
• Jeans. Does anyone?  This is where you need to take your most honest friend and a sippy cup of alcohol.  You may not be friends at the end of it but you will still have your sippy cup.  And no jeans.
• Mangoes.  Apparently if they're squishy, they're over-ripe.  So I buy the firmer ones.  And surprise, they're hard.  And does anyone know how to cut the stupid things?  Mangoes are all fun and games until you try and buy one.  And then cut one up.  And then eat one.  To summarize: Mangoes are not all fun and games.  

*The good news is that I negotiate for a living.  The bad news is I cannot apply it in my own life.  This is only bad news for me.  Go one, sell me something...you'll get twice what you asked for and a bonus one-eyed cat thrown in for good measure.
**Whatever that is...