Aries Horoscope

Aries the Ram

Whatever - close enough.

Let me preface this by saying:

1. I did not look at where Mercury is intertwining with Jupiter and whether anything was retrograde in anyone's full moon
2. I don't know what my fifth house or my home sector in my Friday moon means and the fact that I have a tense angle betwwen the sun and Uranus is a little awkward.
3. Apparently Saturday's full moon is in Capricorn. Which sounds uncomfortable for Capricorn.
4. Given all of the above, I think I am supremely qualified to give advice and with just a small grain of salt, I think you can make it work for you too. Don't even worry if you're an Aries or not.

Today you will get up and go to work. The time will go very slowly until you go to bed. Then it will speed up. That's because Mercury is pissy with your sleep house being in Gemini's zone*. You may or may not find money. Probably not. Because of Uranus and stars not aligning. But next month will be better. Next month is always better but it never arrives.

Aries is a fire sign. This means you can light yourself on fire and it will not hurt. Go ahead and try. You will meet the perfect man. Then you will wake up. Your creativity house is at the forefront of Mars so you should definitely start a home decorating business.  Just quit your normal job and start doing this.  It will totally work out**. 

This is very true.  If you ignore me, I will ignore you back and I will be better at it.  I will ignore the shit out of you.

Also true - honestly I don't know why people think horoscopes are rubbish.  Just see above - ignore me and I will murder you.  And that will be a very hard lesson to learn.  There's very little coming back from murder.

*Makes sense. 
**Until Mars moves.

Things I Don't Know How To Buy*

• Computers. The good news is I work in Digital Technology. The bad news is, none of it appears to have rubbed off. I know I need GB's and RAM and Space Invaders but that's about it.
• Cars. The important things like heated seats are apparently only important to me. Imagine my joy on discovering that there was also such a thing as heated steering wheels. And then I find myself offering $10,000 more for these assets while the car salesman looks on...somewhat embarrassed by my inability to negotiate off MSRP**.
• Jeans. Does anyone?  This is where you need to take your most honest friend and a sippy cup of alcohol.  You may not be friends at the end of it but you will still have your sippy cup.  And no jeans.
• Mangoes.  Apparently if they're squishy, they're over-ripe.  So I buy the firmer ones.  And surprise, they're hard.  And does anyone know how to cut the stupid things?  Mangoes are all fun and games until you try and buy one.  And then cut one up.  And then eat one.  To summarize: Mangoes are not all fun and games.  

*The good news is that I negotiate for a living.  The bad news is I cannot apply it in my own life.  This is only bad news for me.  Go one, sell me something...you'll get twice what you asked for and a bonus one-eyed cat thrown in for good measure.
**Whatever that is...