2014 Thanksgiving - Things I Am Thankful For

1. Someone else making Thanksgiving dinner
2. My Math ability
3. Some other things that I can't think of right now but am clearly very thankful for
4. My family. You have to put that one in otherwise you look mean.
5. That I can still fit into my jeans. No, not those ones. The post-Thanksgiving ones.
6. My breasts. They stop people looking at my thighs. What? Just trying a little turkey body part humor...don't make me whip out the wattle waddle.
7. My enormous brain. What? The title is not "Things I am thankful for and humble about."
8. My extreme beauty. Well, I may as well go for gold. Thanksgiving comes but once a year
9. My amazing goodness and kind heart. Ok, fine, That's pushing it.
10. The roof over my head. But not the bloody people that live on my roof. They need to stay very still inside their house and not move. Until I leave.
11. Yoga. And people that teach yoga. And my yoga pants. But mostly my yoga pants. There is a lot of room for error in yoga pants.
12. Not my hair. It's not what I wanted. Where is the long mermaid like locks that I'm owed? More than 30 years of growing it and where is my carefree weekend messy yoga bun? What I have is the size of a walnut shell on the top of my head. Nothing about that says carefree.*
13. Albert. Well, duh.
14. My Mazda - you just hang in there a little bit longer. Hey, how about we get your oil changed next week? Would you like that?
15. Sunshine. While the rest of the country freezes, we don't. Hahahahahaha.

*You have to put something in that you're not thankful for. It's like writing a performance review, you can't just talk about how great you are, you have to add something that you plan on working on. And you can't  call it a weakness or a lack of skills or even more bluntly "something you're a bit shit at". It's an "area of opportunity". I wrote this after I wrote my annual performance review. For which, by the way, I have given myself 14 gold stars, 11 silver ones, 203 brownie points and a big round of applause. There was no mention of the ratings system so I added my own...

More Basic Stuff That I Missed

I thought of something else that should not have taken years to figure out. Although since I was 5, I'll cut myself some slack. I was probably busy trying to be a Math genius and being thwarted by people teaching me all wrong.

Did you ever wonder how songs on radio stations were played? Well, it's obvious - the band would show up at the radio station, play their song and leave and the next band would then come in and play theirs. Band after band coming and going, playing their hits. That's why radio stations played different genres - otherwise bands wouldn't have enough time to drive to all the stations. Later on I realized that was ridiculous - there was no way each band had time to unpack all their equipment and then pack it up again in time for the next band to ensure continuity of songs and no "dead-air". Clearly there was an easier way.

Obviously, the radio station had two rooms set up with musical instruments and equipment for the bands to use.  That way, one band could get ready while the other played.  Simple really once you think it through...

Laundry and Math

Are you one of those people, like me, that thinks you're relatively intelligent but some simple things just seem to pass you by? Like Math. I am convinced Math is very easy - all forms of Math - I think I just had bad teachers. One of these days, I'll find the button that releases Math and will become an expert. I'll have a business card that just says "I am a Math Expert? Try Me. 1+1=2. See."

The other day I had another one of those encounters that reminds me that even though I am a Math expert*, there are some basic things that don't occur to me immediately. Or even several weeks later. But when they do, it's like all of a sudden, things got a whole lot easier and I can free up my mind from the mundane to work on my Math problems.

So, now that I've moved house and am saving a lot of money in rent, I am dealing with one of those things that comes with saving money in rent. Not my own laundry. I have always had my own laundry, starting with when I lived at home. I threw it down to the bottom of the stairs, it got washed and thrown back up at me. Brilliant. Every house, apartment I've ever lived in has always had the convenience of a washer and dryer, even if I had to share with room mates. But now I have to share one washer and one dryer with 11 other apartments. And I have to pay for the privilege. $1.25 to wash and $1.00 to dry as long as you don't need to dry anything for longer than 44 minutes. Would it have killed them to give us 45?

So far, I've been lucky - no one has ever been using either appliance when I've gone up there and I've chosen pretty random times. So, I've come to the following conclusions - no one else lives here and if they do, they are all a bunch of dirty f*&%ers. It stresses me out quite a lot to do laundry - first I have to go up 2 sets of stairs which means facing the fact at the top that, I am unfit. Since I was doing an excellent job of ignoring that, this is a bit of a slap in the face. I throw my stuff in the machine, ignore the instructions, put the money in, set the timer on my phone for 30 minutes since that appears to be how long it takes. Go back downstairs and anxiously await the beep on my phone. I have a fear of forgetting I have laundry in there and someone taking my clothes out and seeing my knickers. I'm sure they'd be wondering why I'm still washing a pair that looks like there's not much left to them, but let me tell you, they are my favorites and they still have a good couple of quality years in them.

After the first time when I separated my lights and darks (thanks, Mum), I decided to hell with this, it's every man/item for himself and if colors run, then that item clearly was never meant to be. Survival of the fittest - laundry-style. I try and stick to a laundry run, once a week which works well for my clothes. However, I resent paying $1.25 to do my towels. They barely fill up the barrel of the machine and it seems like a waste of time. 

And that's when the penny dropped.  Or the $1.25. Why not throw the dirty towels in the laundry basket and get fresh ones from the pile that took a game of Tetris to try and figure out how to get ALL the towels I own into the cupboard. Then at the end of two weeks...or even more should I feel the need...I can wash all of them. I have enough towels, bathmats, face clothes and hand towels to last through a zombie apocalypse. 

I think this might just work. How did I not see this sooner? Do you see what I mean about basic stuff?  Is it because my head is so full of smart, intelligent stuff? That's probably it. Now all I have to do is figure out the dryer issue...if I wash a bunch of towels in one go, will 44 minutes be long enough to dry them? But wait, I'll use my Math expertise to calculate the weight to heat ratio**...

*Almost. Still looking for the button. Looking for a lot of buttons actually.
**That doesn't sound quite right, possibly I need to take into account the cosine pythagoreal sum value.

Why I Hate Mondays

This is how I deal with my problems.  I get a fighting cat.  With two eyes.

1. They're not Fridays.
2. No one reads my blog on Mondays.
3. I have no thoughts on Mondays - used up all my brain power just getting out of bed.
4. Who doesn't? If you love Monday's, we can't be friends. In fact, I hate you. Not same same people.
5. Monday's hate me. They're out to get me from the moment I wake up. Monday has a mean streak.
6. I look like I was dragged out of bed - the hair that seemed so "beachy" on Sunday is, what's the word? Ugly.
7. I have to put on my grown-up clothes. I'm not old enough.
8. Monday's last 67%* longer than other days.
9. I have to start my diet again. Luckily, if I mess it up today**, I can wait until next Monday to start over.
10. It's actually impossible to start anything before noon on Mondays***.
11. Sunday night: I'm starting to feel sick tomorrow.
12. Here's a list of things I'd like to do today:

*Confirmed fact. By me. And my calculator. Into which I put 67%.
**I reviewed the statistics on this and by my calculations, there is 117% probability of this happening. Although I was somewhat surprised by the 17%. But there's no arguing with math.
***Depending on your viewpoint, this can be good or bad. I think this is what is known as the law of physics. Yes, that definitely sounds right.

A Mathematical Equation

You know how there are those equations where you take a number, do mathematical stuff to it and it always works out? Like this: Think of a number. Double it. Add six. Half it. Take away the number you started with. The answer is always 3.
 
I have one of those. But it's a little more advanced. Don't feel bad if you have to use a calculator.

Take your age - subtract 2. Add 2. That is your age.

It works every time too. 
 

This is actually true.  I have eaten a lot of chocolate and I can count 15 pieces in the picture.

New Year's Resolutions

I used to make all the big New Year resolutions like...

1. Exercise more
2. Lose weight
3. Save the world
4. Save the whales
5. Learn brain surgery

And then when I realized I couldn't stick to them for more than a couple of days or it wasn't working, I knocked the pressure down a notch and went to...

1. Floss every day
2. Wash makeup off before going to bed
3. Regular car maintenance*
4. Curse at other drivers, just a little bit less.** 

This year, I have resolved to do the following and since I'm putting it out here, I will now have to do them***:

1. Take a Math class****
2. Learn Spanish - really more of a brushing up on my skills since I am fluent. In hello.
3. Brush Albert daily.  Even writing this, I am bored already. Will just leave brush lying around with manual and see if he does it himself.  Technically cats should do their own grooming. Feel he might be a little spoiled.
4. Stop scraping hub caps against curb when parallel parking.  Hardly ever happens...
5. Buy self more gifts.  You should always have a selfless resolution where you give to others.  
   

2013 Successes of Note

1. Albert has finally started using his cat bed. While I wanted him to do this for some time, I have now realized, I have to clean his fur from it. Thinking it's time he went back to cold, hard, wooden floor. Any other parents out there experiencing thoughts like this with their babies and cots?
2. That is all.  It was a lean year.

*This is actually not possible.
**Work in progress - it's ok to start this one over every day
***Actually not true.  I am fickle and I don't care what you think of me for failing.  Also, I will lie about it. 
****Not actually necessary because I am brilliant at math but lately I have started to wonder if there is some new stuff that was discovered that I don't yet know how to do.  Like  addition and percentages.

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Writing in diaries is boring. It feels like a good idea and then you start and after "Dear Diary", that's all you have. Kind of like a bath. A bath sounds like a nice, warm idea and then once it's full, you get in and then you're hot and bored.

I like those diaries that have a section in the beginning for you to fill out all your details. I have a lot of those. And some spare paper at the back.

I think you're supposed to write down your feelings and then it's supposed to help. Let's try. I am mad. No. Didn't help.

Maybe I'm supposed to confess my secret crush to my diary? Can my diary do anything about it? Will you stop me from calling and texting him until he realizes I'm normal? Will you stop me from falling in love with someone I can't have and then eating 10x the suggested serving size? No. Ergo, useless. I rest my case.

Dear Diary - a bit later in the day:

I thought I had a new feeling but it turned out to be gas.

Dear Diary - 10 minutes since last entry:

Nothing has happened since I last wrote to you. I could make something up if you like? I mean lets face it, it's not like you'll know if it's true. I think you've been given too much power over the years. All this writing to you that people do has given you a fat head. Because you're actually just a paper book with no useful advice and you don't deliver cupcakes. Also you are wet and soggy. That might be my fault. Shouldn't have tried to write in my boring diary while sitting in my boring bath. 

But somewhere out there, somebody is thinking of you and the tremendous influence you had on their life that led to all their successes.  But it's not me...I think you're boring.

Dear Diary - 4 years later:

Sorry, it's been a while but I didn't have anything interesting to tell you.  And then today while I was at work, we talked about getting additional training and taking some courses and we were asked to submit our requests for consideration.  So I asked for helicopter lessons. But apparently we don't offer that kind of training, because that has nothing to do with our jobs.  I feel like that wasn't made clear and have now had to cross numbers 2, 3, 4, and 7 off my list.  Turns out ninja training, crocheting (although I would have been happy with macrame), blind hanging and making macaroons are not up for consideration.  However, I can learn to use Excel if necessary.  Which it is not, I am as good at Excel as I am at Math.  And don't even get me started on computer skills.  I use that mousey thing every day. I know that to reboot, you turn it off and on at the wall and when it stops working, you kick it.

Actually on reflection, nothing really happened. 

My List Of Must Have's For Men I Am Going To Date: Part 2

Just kidding - obviously there's more*. And in case you're wondering, the benefits of dating me are that you will be dating me. I could go on but I think I've made my point.

1. A daily shower. Possibly even two depending on the activity.  
2. Active - however, please refer to No. 1 above
3. Emotionally available. Unlike me. But as long as you are aware of it, it's totally fine. Just not for them
4. Tall**
5. Good communication skills - I think the next logical step in our relationship is speaking.
6. A sense of humor. But not better than me. Because I am always the funny one.  And the beautiful one.  And the smarter one.  And the best at Math.  But that's all***.
7. Your own cat. Also, Albert already hates you.
8. Your own car. And I'm going to need it to be better than mine. And then I'm going to need to drive it.  You can have mine.  It's got a bit of a holey exhausty thing but if you turn the stereo up, it's very easy to forget.
9. No hair on top of the toes. Not looking for a Hobbit.
10. Must be able to BBQ.  That means, clean it, cook it, refill the gas and obviously make the side dishes that go with it.  But it's ok, because you will only need to BBQ occasionally. Every day.

*If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you need to read yesterdays' post. Shame on you.
**Or short. Or in between. I'm not fussy. 
***For right now.  If we find you're better at something than me, then it probably isn't going to work.