Criistchhhhhssshhtttccchhh. It's hard to write static.

What? It's Monday. It's morning. It's Monday morning. And I haven't even had a cup of tea yet. Besides no one reads this so Mum, I'll send you an email later.

Friday, Friday

*Like Monday, Monday but better.

Boys are stupid. The End.

On another note, I'm going to turn on the gas heater today. Pretty sure I need a lighter or some sort of open flame. If it doesn't work, I'll either be blown up or will have no heat. Which is fine because LA is having a mini heat wave. The blown up part is not as fine but I will likely not be very concerned with anything at that point. Also, I just found out the building manager's last name is Ebola. There is so much I want to do with that...

On yet another note, my house is not clean and ready for the weekend which is the opposite of what I had planned on Monday. I'll spend today contemplating this. But doing nothing about it.

And just one more note - I have no more notes.

When Monday Goes Horribly Terribly Wrong. Again.

It's taken me a week to get over the trauma of last Monday and write this. Even now, I'm feeling a little anxious and hoping I make it through today's Monday. They say things come in three's - I think that's just to lull you into a false sense of security once the third thing hits you. Then you relax and "bam", the fourth one hits you and no amounting of screaming at the sky "But I already had 3" will make any difference. In fact, you will look like a nut job.

1. I woke up to discover that the power had gone out at about 11:30pm on Sunday night. No one told me because I was asleep and Albert didn't notice that there was no internet or cable TV. When I got ready for work, there was an estimated resolution time of 8am. Most of the fridge food* was already done for but I threw a few things into the slightly cooler freezer in the hopes of salvaging them once the power came back on. Which it did. At 4pm. The reason for a power outage affecting 2200 people for that long? Mylar Balloons. These are the foil balloons that have "Happy Birthday" or "Sorry Your Power Went Out" on them. According to LADWP, two of them hit the lines and knocked out a massive chunk of Los Angeles destroying my food and the neighbor's breast milk. But more importantly, what is going on when balloons can take out our power supply?What's next? A kite hitting the water supply? Who cares about the Zombie Apocalypse when we can be taken down by balloons and kites.
2. Confident yet sadly mistaken that power would be restored imminently, I headed off to a doctor's appointment on my way to work. I was in and out pretty quickly only to find that my car was completely dead. The good news is that my stereo still worked so I was able to entertain myself. The bad news is that I was at the bottom level of the parking building and had no cellphone reception so I had to leave my dance party in a car and head up to call Triple A. Who were pretty awesome and got there, diagnosed a flat battery and replaced it with a new one, all in 30 minutes. Scott and I talked about our jobs and I offered to switch with him but only for 4 hours, a 12 hour shift is not really my cup of tea. Other than that, I think I would be pretty good at it. As long as I didn't have to fix anything.
3. After a long day, I headed home all set to to go yoga the shit out of Monday, only to step in Albert's version of Monday in the hallway. I know, you're wondering if it can get any worse. Yes it can.
4. No one brought me donuts even though I really wanted them

*No big deal, how were they to know that Sunday was my grocery shopping day and my fridge and freezer were full?

Meatless Monday

Did you know there is a global-wide organization that promotes going without meat on Mondays? It's now active in 34 countries. Apparently it's good for health reasons and the planet*. 

If I find out that someone has started Muffinless Monday's, Taco-No-Go Tuesdays, Waffle-Without Wednesday's, Tequila-No Bueno Thursday or Friand-Free Friday, the shit is going to hit the fan.  I am thankful there is no letter of the week that starts with "C".  Anyone trying to go global with a cakeless day of the week will wish they had never been born.  And will also be a recipient of one of my "looks".  Probably my "hi, sorry, but I really am not a huge fan of that idea, maybe we could compromise" look.  That's right, I can be very intimidating.

 
*To be honest, I have tried this but I found that too many lentils died in the process.

Why Friday Why?

Why you gotta be like Monday, Friday?

You know it's going to be a bad day when you leave your house on your way to work and fall down the stairs, landing on the concrete in front of a group of kids on their way to school, all the people walking their dog and most of your neighborhood. Good news is, the computer is still intact and only bounced a little*. Bad news, dress came up over head and was wearing a thong. Good news, only half the people saw that. Bad news, no one clapped.

You know how people always say "it's not as bad as it looks"?  Well I think this is worse than it looks.  I may not make it and it's definitely all over for the knee.

Going to go to the doctor and ask for this.

This is the only way to save the knee.  And contain the bleeding**.  And associated trauma.  Partly from the dress/thong thing.

*Not mine anyway so felt it was perfectly ok to use it to break my fall.
**Update: the bleeding stopped.  Actually stopped about a minute after the initial impact.  I might have over-reacted.

Why I Hate Mondays

This is how I deal with my problems.  I get a fighting cat.  With two eyes.

1. They're not Fridays.
2. No one reads my blog on Mondays.
3. I have no thoughts on Mondays - used up all my brain power just getting out of bed.
4. Who doesn't? If you love Monday's, we can't be friends. In fact, I hate you. Not same same people.
5. Monday's hate me. They're out to get me from the moment I wake up. Monday has a mean streak.
6. I look like I was dragged out of bed - the hair that seemed so "beachy" on Sunday is, what's the word? Ugly.
7. I have to put on my grown-up clothes. I'm not old enough.
8. Monday's last 67%* longer than other days.
9. I have to start my diet again. Luckily, if I mess it up today**, I can wait until next Monday to start over.
10. It's actually impossible to start anything before noon on Mondays***.
11. Sunday night: I'm starting to feel sick tomorrow.
12. Here's a list of things I'd like to do today:

*Confirmed fact. By me. And my calculator. Into which I put 67%.
**I reviewed the statistics on this and by my calculations, there is 117% probability of this happening. Although I was somewhat surprised by the 17%. But there's no arguing with math.
***Depending on your viewpoint, this can be good or bad. I think this is what is known as the law of physics. Yes, that definitely sounds right.

Why I Love Fridays

• They're not Mondays
• They're full of hope...that will be dashed by Sunday
• You're expected to reward yourself for getting through the week in whatever way you see fit. And I do.
• Even though I'm there at work. I'm not there at work
• All that urgent stuff that I was supposed to do on Monday, loses a lot of its importance by Friday. It'll still be there by Monday.
• I have a date with wine. It never lets me down. We're both really committed. I think this is going to work out.

Depending on who is reading this - I may or may not be like this.

So Monday is here...

If you're wondering if I had a good nights sleep. Thanks for asking. No. Because when the smoke alarm goes off in the middle of the night and you stumble out of bed to stop it and realize that the ceilings are too tall and a chair isn't going to cut it and you stick a chair on top of the desk, you are bound to fall off and hurt yourself. But it's no good lying on the floor looking at what is clearly a broken ankle-foot-leg* because the smoke alarm won't care, it will just keep screaming "I will protect you from fire, carbon monoxide...and cooking toast"

*Self-diagnosed so no room for doubt. Better get the band-aids out again

And then your neighbors start waking up so you should put clothes on. And get back on the horse...chair on desk...and disarm it like the professional you are.

Disarm it with a smile and when that doesn't work, smack it.

FYI - there is a button that looks like an off switch. It's not. You have to cut off it's head. Like a Hydra. I finally wounded it enough so that it was just emitting intermittent baby bleeps. Which I decided I could live with. Not so my neighbors. Who can apparently live with barky dogs just fine. So now there are parts all over the floor and a bit of a hole in the ceiling but I hardly ever look up anyway.

And now Monday really gets going...

Something just didn't feel right...oh it's because it's no longer attached...

And then it kicked me in the arse...

You want to talk about no longer attached - the top of the shoe has had a serious disagreement with the bottom and they've parted ways...

And now I have no shoes to wear.

See?

Then Monday punched me in the face...

But I took it on the chin...and continued to get ready. Got myself some of that new Vaseline spray moisturizer. "Just Spray and Go!"** FYI - nozzle has a mind of its own. Wall is very well moisturized.

**Lies. Spray, spray some more, rub in, nothing happens, repeat. Give up.

And then Monday went quiet on me and I relaxed and then Monday was like "One Sec". And then...

 Just kidding - that was someone else's Monday. I'm waiting for the rest of Monday to hit - if each day is a gift, is it possible to return Monday? This may be the first post with an afternoon update because you know Monday isn't done with me yet...Just going to plan out my week in preparation for what's to come...

Monday
Monday 1
Monday 2
Monday 3
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday