Hard Lessons I Have Learned

• Pickles and yoga - not ideal. Not before or during. Possibly after.
• A chair on top of a stool is a questionable decision. Especially with a light bulb tucked securely in your bra.
• Unlimited pancakes, ribs, fries and soda will only end badly. And financially, it never works out.
• Don't wear your heart on your sleeve. Pop it in your pocket and zip it shut.
• Plan only for yourself. You're less likely to be unreliable than others. Does that sound bitter? Good.
• When a cat reaches a certain age, they are less than keen on getting in the shower with you. I Imagine children are much the same.
• Don't move house on your own. Get rich first and then pay people to do it.
• An eighth of a tank of gas is not something to gamble on. Even if you did careful mathematical calculations.  You can use those same mathematical calculations to calculate how far you'll have to walk to get to a gas station.
• The mirror in clothing stores is nothing but a liar.
• Balancing something, even for a second, will always result in breakage or spillage. 
• Just five more minutes in the sun was five minutes too much.  Same goes for just one more drink. And one more drink with just five more minutes in the sun should not be attempted by anyone.  Not even a ninja.
• You might be able to get into those jeans but you will then have to have intestinal surgery.
• Parking Nazi's are immune to all tales of woe.  You could lose both your legs and therefore be unable to move your car but if they've started writing that ticket, there is nothing, not even an act of God, that can stop it going through.
• There is always someone funnier, smarter and more beautiful than you.  Except if you are me.

Things I Am Guilty Of...

1. Feeling the need to push the pedestrian crossing button more than once. In case it didn't quite understand what I wanted....
2. Not making my bed every day. Actually I make it only when I change the sheets. Don't tell my mother...
3. When I use "Spray 'n Wipe" in the shower, I usually just spray and hope for the best.
4. Remembering to water my plants. They're so needy.
5. Not answering the phone. If I don't want to talk, I won't pick up. This is very different to my mother's generation - right in the middle of our skype call, the phone will ring and she will put me on hold to go answer it. And it will be her best friend who she saw an hour ago for coffee. And here I am, billions* of miles away...on hold.
6. Stopping at Stop signs. I'm more of a pauser...
7. Putting the new toilet roll in the holder. Why bother, it'll be finished soon. I do it when guests come over....so as not to seem lazy 
8. Shopping. But only for essentials like ball gowns.
9. Forgetting that I'm watching a recorded show and swearing at the ads for taking too long...
10. Buying jeans that look exactly like all the other ones I own.  I know I'm not the only one...
11. Pretending to myself that I went to the dentist.  Sometimes I get caught and have to pretend go again.
12. Wearing stripes with plaid.**
13. Licking the tops of cupcakes.  Then putting them back.
14. Coveting thy neighbor's cake.
15. Mixing my drinks.  I never learn...

*Accurate 
**Horizontal stripes no less.  I think this is known as the 8th deadly sin.