How To Light A Gas BBQ

When you get to the park on the 4th of July, after lugging all your stuff - chairs, cooler, food, blanket, dog - the last thing you want is to not be able to cook your food. This should help but it's unlikely:

1. Attach gas canister. Listen to gas hissing out into the air. Decide not good. Reattach gas canister. Do it right this time. Do it with your eyes open, risking terrible injury but have much better chance of attaching it to actual BBQ instead of dog.
2. Turn gas on. Wonder why there are no flames. Decide Sangria is more important and BBQ and gas canister will still be there when you have finished your drink.
3. Damn. BBQ and gas canister are still there and you have finished your drink. Have a another one.
4. Bugger. Still there. Have mental pep talk with self about how girls can do anything. Wonder if perhaps this is a job for Triple A?
5. Turn gas on again. Realize gas still on from last time as forgot to turn it off. Wonder why there are still no flames. Decide flames are invisible but most likely there. Recall something about no such thing as invisible flames.
6. Get lighter. Flick it and use flame to try and light any part of the BBQ. Decide this is actually more of a job for your friend since it's her BBQ and you will need her to shield you from the blast when it explodes because you tried to ignite parts that should not be ignited.
7. Loud rushing sound is occurring. Decide this is probably good. But most likely not. Let it go on for a while anyway. Stops of its own accord. Randomly fiddle with heat control and canister and randomly it starts again. Sit very still and try not to move in case it stops again. Breathing causes it to stop again.
8. Find red button on other side. Ask friend what button is for. She recalls something vague about it being used to ignite the BBQ once gas is on. Turns out it works.
9. Until the wind blows everything out. Luckily we now have a magic starty button to push to get it going.
10. Not long after - give or take 4 hours - the food is cooked. More or less. 

 You're welcome, 'Merica.

A Short Story

One time last week I went to a charity art show. It was very bad so I went to a bar and had sangria which was very good.

The End.

Want another one?

Last week I went to yoga and while I was in a pose, my yoga instructor complimented my on my style.  He said my breathing was outstanding.  Which was good because I felt it was a bit sub-par and was thinking of stopping.  Gave me the confidence to go on.

The End. 

Ok, last one.  It's a photo story

 Albert was given a gift.  He immediately started playing with it.  This is why he can't have nice things.

How To Have A Yard Sale

• Reflect on the need for a yard sale due to fact that landlord has sold house and you have to move. Think about a time in the future when you might not dwell on this.
• Start going through the belongings that you think you might be able to part with. Come to the conclusion that you absolutely need everything.
• Deny that you have a hoarding problem and prove it by agreeing to give up some things. Inventory your Nike’s and discover that you have around 80 pairs (give or take 40). Relinquish two. Annoying person mentions that you might have “issues” so you agree on 25 pairs which is not reasonable but you’re making a point. At all costs, make a point.

Small Selection...and point made

• Advertize on Craig’s List, make signs and illegally post them on power poles around the neighborhood.  Continue with inventory of other belongings that you think you might be able to part with. 

Hardly anything really, no hoarding issues here

• Schedule the start for 10am because you’re hungover from the farewell party from the night before because you have to move out of your house. In case that wasn’t clear.
• Get up at 6am. Decide that’s unnecessary. Get up again at 8am and start dragging tables out to lay the goods on. Prepare for every eventuality.
• Find self unprepared for the eventuality of an 8:05am van arrival that spills out an entire family that then cleans you out and is gone by 8:10am. Apparently Nike shoes/clothing, electronics and jeweler are hot ticket items.
• Put out remaining not-hot ticket items 

• Strap on fanny pack as a money belt. Remind self that “fanny pack” isn’t funny here in America and doesn’t mean the same thing. But still feel awkward putting cash in your fanny...pack
• Decide that yard sale is a bit boring after the initial excitement – get mug of sangria to keep you company. Make self feel better by establishing that you don’t have a hoarding problem. Just a drinking one. 

• Determine that it’s now official opening time so sit in deck chair and wait for the crowds.
• At 1pm, get up out of deck chair and officially close the yard sale
• At 1:05pm remind self that not everyone can read instructions because then you get swamped. By three people. Deal with them accordingly: 

Visitor 1: Very nice man with “Burbank” tattooed across his forehead. Give him whatever he wants (a lovely purse) without argument. Compliment his tattoo. He seems chuffed. And leaves without killing you. Successful transaction. Purse looks good on him.  "Dear Burbank forehead tattoo man, hope you don’t mind me writing about you. If you do, I still live at the same place where I had the yard sale"

Graphic representation of said tattoo. Not accurate or to scale. Slight misunderstanding of how it works when reflected back in the mirror. Also spacing issues. Have new respect for forehead tattooers.

Visitor 2: Neighbor from across the street – he doesn’t want to buy anything so you give him something to take with him. Note: Not how typical yard sale works.

Authentic velvet painting from India. Circa 2010. "Dear ex-room mate – sorry I gave away your gift. I tried to sell it but no luck. Thanks. I love it".

Visitor 3: Your now ex-landlord. You make him buy the swimming pool that you spent last summer in because he didn’t put air conditioning in your house. You bought it for $25 and you sell it for $20. And it has holes in it. Surprise. 

Apparently (according to picture on front of box) pool would best suit family of 5 who wish to swim laps in neck-high water. Simultaneously. Not my experience. "Dear Target, you lied".

You make over $400 which is just enough to pay the movers…"Dear ex-landlord, if you’re reading this; you probably feel quite bad right about now. Good. Sorry about the pool…"