Some Little-Known Facts About Me

1. I have an uncanny sense of when an earthquake is about to happen. I woke up a mere 15 minutes after the last big one occurred.
2. I am not actually a Cat-Lady. I like dogs. Thankfully Albert can't read and we continue to live a lie.
3. I have a friend whose parents dug a grave for their ailing dog in anticipation of its death. The dog rallied but they continue to keep the grave and show it to the dog every time it misbehaves. I think this is a good way to raise children*. I have some other great ideas. Please ask.
4. I don't have a lot of feeling in my left lower leg and foot due to a ruptured disc in my back. I can't always guarantee that the leg is shaved since I can't feel the razor. I like to think of this a nice surprise for people.  Boys, mostly.  I'm still single.
5. I have a gift for numbers**.
6. I can handle my alcohol***.
7. I was born with no sense of rhythm.  Am currently receiving treatment but it doesn't appear to have taken.  Go on, ask me to dance...
8. My secret name is Auntie Gherkin but I will also respond to Gherkie.  Don't tell anyone
9. I buy myself birthday presents from the cat. It's a way of getting more presents. It's not fooling anyone.  Except the cat.  He's oblivious.
10. I have three tattoos.  Yeah, I'm hardcore.  I drew them all myself. One of them is a cat.****  People have commented on how nice my pineapple tattoo is. 

*I anticipate a lot of back-lash related to this.
**See previous posts. Go on ask me anything. 2+9=14. Bam!
***Up to two drinks. Then I have to be taken home. 
****This particular tattoo has been abused - it has been barked at and in addition to the pineapple, mistakenly identified as an artichoke and a dreidel.  

Hood To Coast

Every year I try and take on a new physical challenge - mostly because I am not sportily* inclined and this is my way of disproving my own theory. Sometimes I am right so I give that up immediately and sometimes I am pleasantly surprised at my ability. Needless to say, I have always managed to complete what I've started. Just not always at the level of "extreme athlete". But as the Nike mantra goes "If you have a body, you are an athlete". Maybe a step down to "sort of sucky athlete" but still an athlete.

In past years, I have run half marathons, learned to pole dance and this year I plan on learning to surf. However one of my most memorable accomplishments was in 2008 when I competed in one of the longest relay races in the world.
 
For those who are unfamiliar with it, Hood to Coast is an overnight, long-distance relay race held in Oregon, annually in late August. It's one of the longest and largest relays in the world with approximately12,600 participants. The first race was in 1982 and the course runs approximately 320 km (200 mi) from Timberline Lodge on the slopes of Mount Hood, through the Portland metropolitan area, and over the Oregon Coast Range to the beach town of Seaside on the Oregon Coast. The course consists of 35 legs and each member of the 6 person team runs 3 legs**

Things that are bad about it:

• You have to run 
• You have to sleep in a field that is the perfect hunting ground for murderers and zombies.  Appropriately the township is called Mist.

Not dead, just sleeping.  Unless they are dead.

• You have to run
• People will overtake you and they will be 100 years old.
• You have to run
• You will over carbo load telling yourself it's a necessity and then pasta will come back and bite you in the arse.  Right while you are running
• You have to run
• There will come a time when you need to use the bathroom*** while you are running and there will be no bathroom so you will duck into what is supposed to be a forest-like area and it will be the saddest example of forestry you have ever seen and the gaps between the trees will be as wide as Alaska and there will be no privacy and you will wait until people have run past before you squat and then because the year you are participating is the year that they are filming a documentary about the race, the film crew will come past.  With their cameras.  It will not be your proudest moment**** 

Things that are good about it:

• You get to spend a lot of time with your close friends.  In a sweaty, stinky van.  After running.  Wrong list.
• You don't have to run the whole way, just three times!  Which is three times too much.
• You can eat many peanut butter sandwiches even though you are allergic to wheat because you need it for energy.  And then there will be an incident like the one above... 
• At the end, they feed you and give you plenty of alcohol.  Which is just what you feel like after running a race and having no sleep.
• There are sand sculptures...   

I did this.  Except for the sand part..

I want to share some of my photos from the race but in order to protect the privacy of my friends who I was too lazy to ask if I could put them up here, I have cleverly camouflaged them.  We were team "Victorious Secret"...

Van 1 at the finish.  Not the best fitting bra's in the world...

Right before you run 5 miles, you should drink Red Bull.  That will be your first and last mistake involving Red Bull.

Here's the Start - our first runner is somewhere else.  The good news is he was listening to some great music and getting amped for the run.  The bad news is, he had his headphones in and missed the start...

I'm not going to name names here but this is a less than manly tattoo, James Steve...

Why, yes that is me running.  I just let him overtake me for the publicity shot and then I totally beat him*****.

Photo Bomb - Level: Me.  In a van.  Also, Liz's hair.

How to exit a van in 100 easy manoeuvres.  This is me but was not a good face.  I think the yellow looks nice...

It's important to stretch.  It's also important to mock someone who is stretching...

And for the finale...Steve Postfontaine

*Turns out this is not a word. But you get my meaning...
**Have done the math and even though I got 9.4, have verified that the above is correct. My calculator must be broken...
***And not for number 1...
****This happened to someone else.  Not me.  My "friend".
*****Not a true story 

Weekly Round-Up of Things

Since nothing else has happened to me this week and I have no cohesive thoughts in my head, you get this...which is a lot more than what you were originally going to get.  Which was called nothing.
 
Overheard at work yesterday: "We're really coordinating good at the moment."  Which really gives me good confidence.

So you know when you're in line to get lunch and you greet the cashier with a "Hola" and she's all Hola, Cómo está? Le puedo ayudar en algo?" and you're all "Yeah, I just have hello."  That happened.  Now I have to go take Spanish lessons to avoid this again.

Walked past this little girl last night - possibly 3 years old (they all look kind of alike) - sitting on her front step. She looked at me waved and said "you're pretty". Brought her home. I now have a daughter. 

Tattoos I am Thinking of Getting: Don't tell Mum.

Unicorn jumping over a rainbow that a dolphin is diving underneath - but imagine it without Batman. I just think that's too much.  Some people just don't know when to stop.

 

My Face

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
EAT ME NOW
Too late.
- Bananas.

How To Have A Yard Sale

• Reflect on the need for a yard sale due to fact that landlord has sold house and you have to move. Think about a time in the future when you might not dwell on this.
• Start going through the belongings that you think you might be able to part with. Come to the conclusion that you absolutely need everything.
• Deny that you have a hoarding problem and prove it by agreeing to give up some things. Inventory your Nike’s and discover that you have around 80 pairs (give or take 40). Relinquish two. Annoying person mentions that you might have “issues” so you agree on 25 pairs which is not reasonable but you’re making a point. At all costs, make a point.

Small Selection...and point made

• Advertize on Craig’s List, make signs and illegally post them on power poles around the neighborhood.  Continue with inventory of other belongings that you think you might be able to part with. 

Hardly anything really, no hoarding issues here

• Schedule the start for 10am because you’re hungover from the farewell party from the night before because you have to move out of your house. In case that wasn’t clear.
• Get up at 6am. Decide that’s unnecessary. Get up again at 8am and start dragging tables out to lay the goods on. Prepare for every eventuality.
• Find self unprepared for the eventuality of an 8:05am van arrival that spills out an entire family that then cleans you out and is gone by 8:10am. Apparently Nike shoes/clothing, electronics and jeweler are hot ticket items.
• Put out remaining not-hot ticket items 

• Strap on fanny pack as a money belt. Remind self that “fanny pack” isn’t funny here in America and doesn’t mean the same thing. But still feel awkward putting cash in your fanny...pack
• Decide that yard sale is a bit boring after the initial excitement – get mug of sangria to keep you company. Make self feel better by establishing that you don’t have a hoarding problem. Just a drinking one. 

• Determine that it’s now official opening time so sit in deck chair and wait for the crowds.
• At 1pm, get up out of deck chair and officially close the yard sale
• At 1:05pm remind self that not everyone can read instructions because then you get swamped. By three people. Deal with them accordingly: 

Visitor 1: Very nice man with “Burbank” tattooed across his forehead. Give him whatever he wants (a lovely purse) without argument. Compliment his tattoo. He seems chuffed. And leaves without killing you. Successful transaction. Purse looks good on him.  "Dear Burbank forehead tattoo man, hope you don’t mind me writing about you. If you do, I still live at the same place where I had the yard sale"

Graphic representation of said tattoo. Not accurate or to scale. Slight misunderstanding of how it works when reflected back in the mirror. Also spacing issues. Have new respect for forehead tattooers.

Visitor 2: Neighbor from across the street – he doesn’t want to buy anything so you give him something to take with him. Note: Not how typical yard sale works.

Authentic velvet painting from India. Circa 2010. "Dear ex-room mate – sorry I gave away your gift. I tried to sell it but no luck. Thanks. I love it".

Visitor 3: Your now ex-landlord. You make him buy the swimming pool that you spent last summer in because he didn’t put air conditioning in your house. You bought it for $25 and you sell it for $20. And it has holes in it. Surprise. 

Apparently (according to picture on front of box) pool would best suit family of 5 who wish to swim laps in neck-high water. Simultaneously. Not my experience. "Dear Target, you lied".

You make over $400 which is just enough to pay the movers…"Dear ex-landlord, if you’re reading this; you probably feel quite bad right about now. Good. Sorry about the pool…"