Oh, Who Are The People In Your Neighbohood, In Your Neighborhood...

Oh, right like you don't know that song.

This past weekend, I did something very brave. I organized a neighborhood get-together. It was very brave of me.  Mostly because I don't like people. But I belong to this things called nextdoor.com which might just be for the West Hollywood area or it might be world-wide. Basically people post comments/advice on what things have been stolen from them*, the best dog walkers, painters, house cleaners and call out people who have parked badly. And it seemed a little ridiculous that with all this sharing going on, no one has actually met anyone else and we should all get completely hammered together**.  So I did.  They weren't as good as it as me. 

I gave everyone 3 weeks notice so no one could come up with a lame last minute excuse.  Not that it bothered some people.  I would like to thank all the elderly people that came out.  Young people these days have no manners.  OId is where it is.  It's because they don't have cell phones so they feel like they have to show up.

It was an ok turnout for a first meeting.  Not as many hot single guys as I'd been hoping for.  But you can only go up from zero, right?  A lot of single older women, think they had the same idea as me but everyone knows that as host you get first pick.  First pick of nothing is...well, that's a lot of math but I think 8.    

As I sat there nursing my cider***, I congratulated myself on doing this and getting it out of the way.  Time for someone else to take charge, I'd done my bit for community spirit.  These people will get no more out of me.  I was quite firm on that, as only I can be.  So next month I will be organizing a pot-luck BBQ at a park.   

*I am surprised that people are suprised that the unlocked bike that they paid thousands for so that they could be Ironman champion of the world has been stolen from their backyard. Maybe it's because here this is a nation of people shooting people whereas New Zealand is a nation of people stealing the rug out from under you. That was my little soapbox rant about the ridiculous gun laws and amount of unnecessary shootings that there are in this country. Honestly, theft is a much better problem to have. I'm also surprised that thieves are perfectly ok with just getting a portion of the bike. There are a lot of extra wheels out there and I'm thinking a lot of burglars that use a unicycle to make their getaway.
**This used to be my brother's approach to a new job, get hammered the first week with your new co-workers, show them your break-dancing moves and act like nothing happened on Monday.
***I'm on a cider kick this summer.  Despite being there for 3 hours, they all only stuck with the one drink so I had to strike a deal with the waitress that involved slipping me ciders on the sly.  Apparently it was because they had to walk home.  Exactly the opposite reason why I thought having more than one was a good idea.  Drinking and walking totally mix.  I looked both ways when crossing the road and only had a conversation with one inanimate object.   

How To Have A Yard Sale

• Reflect on the need for a yard sale due to fact that landlord has sold house and you have to move. Think about a time in the future when you might not dwell on this.
• Start going through the belongings that you think you might be able to part with. Come to the conclusion that you absolutely need everything.
• Deny that you have a hoarding problem and prove it by agreeing to give up some things. Inventory your Nike’s and discover that you have around 80 pairs (give or take 40). Relinquish two. Annoying person mentions that you might have “issues” so you agree on 25 pairs which is not reasonable but you’re making a point. At all costs, make a point.

Small Selection...and point made

• Advertize on Craig’s List, make signs and illegally post them on power poles around the neighborhood.  Continue with inventory of other belongings that you think you might be able to part with. 

Hardly anything really, no hoarding issues here

• Schedule the start for 10am because you’re hungover from the farewell party from the night before because you have to move out of your house. In case that wasn’t clear.
• Get up at 6am. Decide that’s unnecessary. Get up again at 8am and start dragging tables out to lay the goods on. Prepare for every eventuality.
• Find self unprepared for the eventuality of an 8:05am van arrival that spills out an entire family that then cleans you out and is gone by 8:10am. Apparently Nike shoes/clothing, electronics and jeweler are hot ticket items.
• Put out remaining not-hot ticket items 

• Strap on fanny pack as a money belt. Remind self that “fanny pack” isn’t funny here in America and doesn’t mean the same thing. But still feel awkward putting cash in your fanny...pack
• Decide that yard sale is a bit boring after the initial excitement – get mug of sangria to keep you company. Make self feel better by establishing that you don’t have a hoarding problem. Just a drinking one. 

• Determine that it’s now official opening time so sit in deck chair and wait for the crowds.
• At 1pm, get up out of deck chair and officially close the yard sale
• At 1:05pm remind self that not everyone can read instructions because then you get swamped. By three people. Deal with them accordingly: 

Visitor 1: Very nice man with “Burbank” tattooed across his forehead. Give him whatever he wants (a lovely purse) without argument. Compliment his tattoo. He seems chuffed. And leaves without killing you. Successful transaction. Purse looks good on him.  "Dear Burbank forehead tattoo man, hope you don’t mind me writing about you. If you do, I still live at the same place where I had the yard sale"

Graphic representation of said tattoo. Not accurate or to scale. Slight misunderstanding of how it works when reflected back in the mirror. Also spacing issues. Have new respect for forehead tattooers.

Visitor 2: Neighbor from across the street – he doesn’t want to buy anything so you give him something to take with him. Note: Not how typical yard sale works.

Authentic velvet painting from India. Circa 2010. "Dear ex-room mate – sorry I gave away your gift. I tried to sell it but no luck. Thanks. I love it".

Visitor 3: Your now ex-landlord. You make him buy the swimming pool that you spent last summer in because he didn’t put air conditioning in your house. You bought it for $25 and you sell it for $20. And it has holes in it. Surprise. 

Apparently (according to picture on front of box) pool would best suit family of 5 who wish to swim laps in neck-high water. Simultaneously. Not my experience. "Dear Target, you lied".

You make over $400 which is just enough to pay the movers…"Dear ex-landlord, if you’re reading this; you probably feel quite bad right about now. Good. Sorry about the pool…"