Conversations Overheard By The Dumpster Outside My Bedroom Window

It's not as bad as it sounds.  On the plus side, very easy to get rid of trash.  If it weren't for the bars on the outside of my window, I could probably stand and throw my rubbish directly in the dumpster.  How many of you can do that? Also, when one can't sleep, one hears very interesting things.  On the downside, sometimes when one is sleeping, one gets woken up by conversations that might be interesting during the day, but lose their appeal at 3am.  Also on the downside, my bedroom is right by the dumpster.  So, that's nice.

Night time dumpster.  Cool spot to hang out.  Probably meet my next boyfriend here...

Just a couple of recent conversations to give you some flavor of the area I live in:

1. Shiiiittt bitch.  Actually a very short conversation.  Not a lot of substance.  Spent quite some time waiting for the second sentence, which never happened.
2. *"I can tell you're not from LA by the way you're squatting in your heels**". What? First of all, why is she squatting in heels? If I was doing that I'd never get back up, still be there in the morning.  Unless I'd tipped over.  Second of all, is he familiar with squatting styles?  Is there a squatting style city guide out there?  Third of all, is this a criticism or an observation?  Fourth of all, go away.
3. Dude, look at my bike?  What's wrong with it?  It's not there any more." Got myself a new bike...
4. I finished my beer.  Me too.  Let's go.  Happy that you're leaving, just not sure why you needed to stand by my dumpster in the first place to have your beer.  Also, umm, you're right next to a dumpster, can you please put your bottles in it?
5. Are you Jewish. Yeah, you? Yeah. Sweet.  Since I live in a very Jewish Hasidic neighborhood, it probably wasn't too much of a stretch to figure this out.  Just glad they got it right and there was no face-off due to religious differences.  Would have had to move my BBQ out of the way...

*I was tempted to go out and make sure they weren't stealing my BBQ. First sign of dragging metal and I would have popped my dressing gown on and high tailed it out there to have a BBQ tug of war.
**Better not be squatting by my BBQ.

How To Light A Gas BBQ

When you get to the park on the 4th of July, after lugging all your stuff - chairs, cooler, food, blanket, dog - the last thing you want is to not be able to cook your food. This should help but it's unlikely:

1. Attach gas canister. Listen to gas hissing out into the air. Decide not good. Reattach gas canister. Do it right this time. Do it with your eyes open, risking terrible injury but have much better chance of attaching it to actual BBQ instead of dog.
2. Turn gas on. Wonder why there are no flames. Decide Sangria is more important and BBQ and gas canister will still be there when you have finished your drink.
3. Damn. BBQ and gas canister are still there and you have finished your drink. Have a another one.
4. Bugger. Still there. Have mental pep talk with self about how girls can do anything. Wonder if perhaps this is a job for Triple A?
5. Turn gas on again. Realize gas still on from last time as forgot to turn it off. Wonder why there are still no flames. Decide flames are invisible but most likely there. Recall something about no such thing as invisible flames.
6. Get lighter. Flick it and use flame to try and light any part of the BBQ. Decide this is actually more of a job for your friend since it's her BBQ and you will need her to shield you from the blast when it explodes because you tried to ignite parts that should not be ignited.
7. Loud rushing sound is occurring. Decide this is probably good. But most likely not. Let it go on for a while anyway. Stops of its own accord. Randomly fiddle with heat control and canister and randomly it starts again. Sit very still and try not to move in case it stops again. Breathing causes it to stop again.
8. Find red button on other side. Ask friend what button is for. She recalls something vague about it being used to ignite the BBQ once gas is on. Turns out it works.
9. Until the wind blows everything out. Luckily we now have a magic starty button to push to get it going.
10. Not long after - give or take 4 hours - the food is cooked. More or less. 

 You're welcome, 'Merica.

Oh, Who Are The People In Your Neighbohood, In Your Neighborhood...

Oh, right like you don't know that song.

This past weekend, I did something very brave. I organized a neighborhood get-together. It was very brave of me.  Mostly because I don't like people. But I belong to this things called nextdoor.com which might just be for the West Hollywood area or it might be world-wide. Basically people post comments/advice on what things have been stolen from them*, the best dog walkers, painters, house cleaners and call out people who have parked badly. And it seemed a little ridiculous that with all this sharing going on, no one has actually met anyone else and we should all get completely hammered together**.  So I did.  They weren't as good as it as me. 

I gave everyone 3 weeks notice so no one could come up with a lame last minute excuse.  Not that it bothered some people.  I would like to thank all the elderly people that came out.  Young people these days have no manners.  OId is where it is.  It's because they don't have cell phones so they feel like they have to show up.

It was an ok turnout for a first meeting.  Not as many hot single guys as I'd been hoping for.  But you can only go up from zero, right?  A lot of single older women, think they had the same idea as me but everyone knows that as host you get first pick.  First pick of nothing is...well, that's a lot of math but I think 8.    

As I sat there nursing my cider***, I congratulated myself on doing this and getting it out of the way.  Time for someone else to take charge, I'd done my bit for community spirit.  These people will get no more out of me.  I was quite firm on that, as only I can be.  So next month I will be organizing a pot-luck BBQ at a park.   

*I am surprised that people are suprised that the unlocked bike that they paid thousands for so that they could be Ironman champion of the world has been stolen from their backyard. Maybe it's because here this is a nation of people shooting people whereas New Zealand is a nation of people stealing the rug out from under you. That was my little soapbox rant about the ridiculous gun laws and amount of unnecessary shootings that there are in this country. Honestly, theft is a much better problem to have. I'm also surprised that thieves are perfectly ok with just getting a portion of the bike. There are a lot of extra wheels out there and I'm thinking a lot of burglars that use a unicycle to make their getaway.
**This used to be my brother's approach to a new job, get hammered the first week with your new co-workers, show them your break-dancing moves and act like nothing happened on Monday.
***I'm on a cider kick this summer.  Despite being there for 3 hours, they all only stuck with the one drink so I had to strike a deal with the waitress that involved slipping me ciders on the sly.  Apparently it was because they had to walk home.  Exactly the opposite reason why I thought having more than one was a good idea.  Drinking and walking totally mix.  I looked both ways when crossing the road and only had a conversation with one inanimate object.