Nike Fuel Band

Recently a friend gave me a Nike Fuel Band and then I was lucky enough to attend a Nike event where I received another one. I'm now double-wristing fuel bands.  No big deal.  I'm exhausted. This is a great free plug for Nike here so Nike you should send me lots of clothes and shoes. Size 7. Thanks. 

I really want to provide you with a detailed description of what the fuel band does but (a) I'm still waiting on all those free clothes and shoes and (b) something wrong with your fingers?  #googleit*.  

For those that don't know, I used to work for Nike and will always be loyal which is why my workouts don't go as well when I mix my brands. Which I would never do. Except for that one time when I bought a LuluLemon top today.

When I was there, there was no such thing as the Fuel Band** - I had the chip in my shoe for recording my runs and I had the Nike Training Club app on my phone. Just to be clear, having those things is not the same as doing and using them. But I enjoyed having them very much. And now I have this. And it's pretty cool but there are a couple of issues*:

1. It does not award me fuel points for breathing, which I consistently do all day long. Sometimes in the evening, I stop for a while but everyone deserves a break now and then. Some days I will sit (or lie down if I'm very tired) and breathe the shit out of my lungs and nothing.
2. It does not award me fuel points for blinking. On several occasions I batted my eyelashes and there were no visible points given for that.  Why penalize me for being sexy, Nike?
3. If I don't do enough, I think it's very uncool to remind me that I am lazy. Every day.
4. I am a very restless sleeper - sadly, I think this is where I get most of my points. I have a pretty high target of 12.  A day.  Which is an improvement on 12.  A week.
5. It syncs with the app on my phone - it's watching me all the time.  I'm afraid to take it off.  I'm afraid of a bracelet.  Since when did we let accessories rule the world??
6. It wants me to challenge myself with friends.  So, now it's reminding me that I have no friends?  Not a friendship bracelet.
7. You can't use this as a transporter****.  I have tried many times and it will not beam you up anywhere. 
8. Apparently I can wear it in the shower - now it needs to see me naked?  What next, commentary on my problem areas.  Of which there are none.  From the ankles down.

*Been dying to use that.  Wish I'd started that as thing.  I need a thing.  Cake is my thing.
**Apparently the Company was still able to be successful without me.  I did not see that coming. 
***You can thank me later, Nike. Once you've resolved these, I think the product is really going to take off.
****If you don't know this is from Star Trek, then we can't be friends.

How I do Yoga

Get to Yoga studio for first time, super exciting because everyone appears to have a nap mat. Have been prepping for this for some time by shaving legs in shower - it's a newer yoga pose. Luckily I had some wine before I came because I thought it would relax me more and I'd be more limber. I'm very relaxed. Drunk even. I'm in the yoga zone and reflecting on Drunk Yoga - is that a thing? I should make that a thing.

Up until now, none of my yoga pants have ever been to yoga so they're excited.  It's their chance to get off the couch. I might not have been to a studio, however, I've been doing a lot of Bikram yoga, except at room temperature and no stretching and in my bed and watching the TV. Going for the real thing now - going to make this a hobby*

When you're at yoga, you have to concentrate on nothingness and feel your inner peace. I'm having trouble finding my inner peace but I think it's cos I have the wrong pants on and this top is a different brand and my pants and top are fighting.  Nike Pants: 1.  Gap Top: 0.  Nike is wearing the pants in this relationship.  Wonder what would happen if I brought LuluLemon into the mix? Ok, back to thinking about nothing.  Why is nothing so full of thoughts?

1. I’m doing this! I’m totally this! I'm some kind of yoga genius.  I definitely burned off that free cake from work**
2. I need a new sports bra. I should get some lululemons. Not to fit in, just because I think I'll make them look really good. Then they'll probably want to give me free stuff. Yes, this will happen.
3. It’s definitely been an hour. Where’s the clock? Wait. There is no clock. No clock? This must be what prison is like***.
4. I probably have like a million text messages. Everyone must be wondering, “Where is Kirsten?”**** I didn’t even have time to tweet or check in.
5. I do not know any of these “songs.” I think whales are singing to tropical rain forests. It's really hard to sing along. Note: Don't pick this at karaoke.
6. I’m dying. Getting in this position was a bad idea. I'm going to need help.
7. I’m totally going to eat cake after this. Or maybe salmon. Got it – salmon cake. Brilliant.
8. Breathe in on 1 and out on 2, in on 1,out on 2...shit, I'm off. Yoga is not for the rhythmically challenged. Too much breathing in, not enough out, can't conti....

*I'm a master of starting new hobbies.  Three this week alone.  I'm so good at new hobbies that I only have to do them once and then I'm done.
**Note to self: Just because it’s free, doesn’t make it fat-free. I should tweet that.
***Ask person next to me if they think it's been an hour. THIS IS AN HOUR AND A HALF CLASS! How did this happen? When I was drinking? I've got to get out of here. Somebody call me and pretend it's an emergency. What's that, Timmy fell down the well again? I'm on my way.
***Confirmed at end of class. No one was wondering

How To Have A Yard Sale

• Reflect on the need for a yard sale due to fact that landlord has sold house and you have to move. Think about a time in the future when you might not dwell on this.
• Start going through the belongings that you think you might be able to part with. Come to the conclusion that you absolutely need everything.
• Deny that you have a hoarding problem and prove it by agreeing to give up some things. Inventory your Nike’s and discover that you have around 80 pairs (give or take 40). Relinquish two. Annoying person mentions that you might have “issues” so you agree on 25 pairs which is not reasonable but you’re making a point. At all costs, make a point.

Small Selection...and point made

• Advertize on Craig’s List, make signs and illegally post them on power poles around the neighborhood.  Continue with inventory of other belongings that you think you might be able to part with. 

Hardly anything really, no hoarding issues here

• Schedule the start for 10am because you’re hungover from the farewell party from the night before because you have to move out of your house. In case that wasn’t clear.
• Get up at 6am. Decide that’s unnecessary. Get up again at 8am and start dragging tables out to lay the goods on. Prepare for every eventuality.
• Find self unprepared for the eventuality of an 8:05am van arrival that spills out an entire family that then cleans you out and is gone by 8:10am. Apparently Nike shoes/clothing, electronics and jeweler are hot ticket items.
• Put out remaining not-hot ticket items 

• Strap on fanny pack as a money belt. Remind self that “fanny pack” isn’t funny here in America and doesn’t mean the same thing. But still feel awkward putting cash in your fanny...pack
• Decide that yard sale is a bit boring after the initial excitement – get mug of sangria to keep you company. Make self feel better by establishing that you don’t have a hoarding problem. Just a drinking one. 

• Determine that it’s now official opening time so sit in deck chair and wait for the crowds.
• At 1pm, get up out of deck chair and officially close the yard sale
• At 1:05pm remind self that not everyone can read instructions because then you get swamped. By three people. Deal with them accordingly: 

Visitor 1: Very nice man with “Burbank” tattooed across his forehead. Give him whatever he wants (a lovely purse) without argument. Compliment his tattoo. He seems chuffed. And leaves without killing you. Successful transaction. Purse looks good on him.  "Dear Burbank forehead tattoo man, hope you don’t mind me writing about you. If you do, I still live at the same place where I had the yard sale"

Graphic representation of said tattoo. Not accurate or to scale. Slight misunderstanding of how it works when reflected back in the mirror. Also spacing issues. Have new respect for forehead tattooers.

Visitor 2: Neighbor from across the street – he doesn’t want to buy anything so you give him something to take with him. Note: Not how typical yard sale works.

Authentic velvet painting from India. Circa 2010. "Dear ex-room mate – sorry I gave away your gift. I tried to sell it but no luck. Thanks. I love it".

Visitor 3: Your now ex-landlord. You make him buy the swimming pool that you spent last summer in because he didn’t put air conditioning in your house. You bought it for $25 and you sell it for $20. And it has holes in it. Surprise. 

Apparently (according to picture on front of box) pool would best suit family of 5 who wish to swim laps in neck-high water. Simultaneously. Not my experience. "Dear Target, you lied".

You make over $400 which is just enough to pay the movers…"Dear ex-landlord, if you’re reading this; you probably feel quite bad right about now. Good. Sorry about the pool…"