I took up pole dancing some time ago - and let me be clear, this is pole dancing for fitness. I think anyone that knows me, knows that my natural grace does not lend itself to pole dancing as a stripper and making actual money off of it. I have a lot of respect for them, pole dancing is very painful - at best I can manage a grimace on my face, smiling is out of the question and I'm going to need $100's not $1's to cover my medical bills and skin grafts.
Do you know that as you slide down the pole upside down, holding on with only your legs, you're leaving bits of your skin behind and enough DNA to convince anyone that you were the murderer*?
In class, I was taught the basic spins - fireman, chair, carousel, back hook and walking. Am still working on walking. None of those posed much bodily risk and I was much ridiculed for wearing my cycling helmet. But...safety first.
As we progressed to climbing**, hanging upside down and doing spins with one hand, I asked for a safety net. They don't do safety nets. Also they need me to climb a little higher than 10" off the floor. But, I know my limits...one time I stubbed my toe so I was out of commission for several weeks. Pole dancing is very dangerous...
I eventually decided that I was so good*** that I would buy my own pole and install it in my house. So I moved my dining room table to the spare room and put my pole up. Well, I watched the YouTube how-to video, put the pole up, pole fell down, cried. Then phoned a friend who put it up for me. And I loved it. I practiced almost every day**** and at one point while skyping with my parents, set the computer up so they could see my moves. How many of you can say that while skyping with your parents, you showed them the butterfly pole move? And then I moved on to showing my nieces...and left my brother to explain why Auntie Gherkin has a fireman's pole in her house.
*I didn't do it.
**And substantial bruising
***Situation over-estimation.
****Negligible improvement
Do you have what it takes?
I admit to having some issues. Clothes color-coded in my wardrobe. Which is actually normal and very helpful. Separating out M&M's into their color groups which is also completely normal as it's very bad to mix the colors in your stomach. I think it causes tuberculosis.* I also like to match my outfit to my cat - this just makes good fashion sense, thankfully he's not a ginger tabby which would be much harder to match with.
On further reflection, it looks like I don't actually have any issues and am completely normal. Perfect, even.
But in the interests of becoming a better person**, I have a new plan***, every time I feel the need to indulge in any one of my issues, I have to go and do a handstand. Who was expecting that? I was just reminded about handstands in a recent yoga class where I was commended for my excellent form and ability. The instructor asked where I learned my skills - childhood and pole dancing class. He was not expecting that. So, just as soon as I receive my life alert pendant, I will be solving all my problems with handstands. Safety first. Although, if things go horribly wrong and while upside down, without my helmet, I land awkwardly, I will have much bigger issues to worry about. Win win, really.
Who's with me?
*Not yet verified. But I think most of you remember my struggle with Tuberculosis from earlier posts and I distinctly recall mixing up my M&M's and eating them right before I got hit with the disease.
**Which is hard when you've just pronounced yourself perfect
***Not my idea but claiming it as mine. especially if it works.
