Where Did Everyone Go?

I think the majority of my readers must be between 21 and 27 and they are all on Spring Break in Cancun and Cabo. That would explain my low number of page views. There can be no other reason. And really it's not a very good excuse, Mexico has the internet. And I think they'll find that I am equally as exciting as hot girls taking off their tops and alcohol. I can't tell you how many times I've had someone tell me that. Almost one at last count.

We didn't have the Spring Break ritual of going to some exotic location and behaving badly in New Zealand. When we were at University, we just behaved badly all the time. It's a lot cheaper. And we didn't have the internet* so nothing was immortalized forever on YouTube or Instagram.  Also, you can go across New Zealand or up and down New Zealand to get away but that's about it.  We are in the middle of the ocean, miles from anywhere...exotic meant Taihape, the Gumboot Capital of the World

For the record, these are some things that may or may not have happened on the "New Zealand Year Long Spring Break for Four Years"

• Getting fined for peeing outside the dorms.  I know - as I write this, I wonder why it seemed like a good idea when we were so close to the inside toilet....
• Setting off fire alarms - this still seems like a good idea.  What with firemen and all...
• Throwing pickles at the windows on hamburger night in the cafeteria - first pickle to slide down to the floor wins!
• Throwing mashed potatoes...that didn't work as well.  That was a bad idea.
• Tufataring!  Can find no record of this on the internet so suspect the practice was stopped or there is some other way of spelling it.  Basically, get drunk, stand in a circle with your girlfriends, chant "tu fa ta, tu fa ta, tu fa tata" and take your top off.  It's the New Zealand version of Girls Gone Wild. Pretty sure I got as far as my singlet one time.  Important to always keep your chest warm with a nice woolen singlet.  Drives the men not at all wild.
• Practice your vomiting styles - the helicopter, the pelican - with the ultimate goal of being awarded the Chunder King/Queen title.  A very esteemed honor...

See?  All good wholesome fun and no need for a tropical location with pool and people getting all fancy with their looks.

*Well I did because I am very young, but my friends didn't, because they are old.

Think I Will Marry This Guy

My 60 year old mechanic. After the debacle with Pep Boys, I decided to get a quote from some other mechanics and not ones that belong to a chain store. I did my research* and dropped it off.

I know you're all dying to know how this turned out - do I have a new car, did I buy a bike, am I stuck in West Hollywood forever, unable to go into the office** or did I get it fixed for the price of a small country?

Well - it's terribly interesting***. First of all, he noticed that my car is breaking the sound barrier and that possibly addressing that issue after 6 years of ignoring that issue might fix some of the multiple notifications that he picked up on when he did the diagnostic check on my engine light. That sounded correct. Expensive but correct.

My diagnostic check was correct, it was expensive. $900 part plus $400 - $450 in labor. I asked if he could get the part and then I could just install it using YouTube but after asking if I knew (a) what the part looked like and (b) where it went, he said no. Pretty sure I knew where I wanted the part to go at that moment...

And so I decided to be a grown-up and suck it up. If nothing else it would extend the life of my car since I have a fear of car payments. And also the bus****. So for 4 days I waited. And shifted money around. And sold the cat to pay for it.

Last Monday he called me and with heavy heart I went to pick it up. And that is when the miracle happened. Turns out this genius was able to weld the existing part back together and shove it back in the car for the low, low price of $566. I was ecstatic. He had taken pictures of it on his phone so I could see how bad it was. I'll be honest, it looked like a lump of metal and then another lump of metal with a solder line around it. The most exciting part was when he realized he'd flicked too far through his photos and landed on a picture of Asahi Beer. At which point, I think he may have asked me on a date to go get sushi. And beer. One of those situations where there was a language barrier so I just laughed and hoped that answered the question...somewhat of an awkward note to end on*****. 

*And by research, I mean I picked the first one that came up on Yelp, was a 2 minute walk from my house and were wearing the correctly embroidered mechanic shirt

To be honest, I think he was wearing someone else's shirt since his name was Ed and he's Eastern European.  But they're all in the same mechanic family of reliable names, so I can let it go.

**This seems like a very attractive option...
***For me.  For a little while and then it became terribly boring.
****I am bus ignorant.  I do not know how to use it and the thought of trying to figure out which bus to get, hailing it (and running after when it didn't stop or waiting hours for the next one because it seemed less embarrassing to pretend it wasn't the one I wanted), paying for it (with pennies - I think a bus ride is a penny each way, right?) and then getting it to stop when I what it to, gives me cold sweats.
*****Good news - got he cat back. 

Pole Dancing

I took up pole dancing some time ago - and let me be clear, this is pole dancing for fitness. I think anyone that knows me, knows that my natural grace does not lend itself to pole dancing as a stripper and making actual money off of it. I have a lot of respect for them, pole dancing is very painful - at best I can manage a grimace on my face, smiling is out of the question and I'm going to need $100's not $1's to cover my medical bills and skin grafts. Do you know that as you slide down the pole upside down, holding on with only your legs, you're leaving bits of your skin behind and enough DNA to convince anyone that you were the murderer*?

In class, I was taught the basic spins - fireman, chair, carousel, back hook and walking.  Am still working on walking.  None of those posed much bodily risk and I was much ridiculed for wearing my cycling helmet.  But...safety first.

As we progressed to climbing**, hanging upside down and doing spins with one hand, I asked for a safety net. They don't do safety nets. Also they need me to climb a little higher than 10" off the floor.  But, I know my limits...one time I stubbed my toe so I was out of commission for several weeks.  Pole dancing is very dangerous...

I eventually decided that I was so good*** that I would buy my own pole and install it in my house.  So I moved my dining room table to the spare room and put my pole up. Well, I watched the YouTube how-to video, put the pole up, pole fell down, cried. Then phoned a friend who put it up for me. And I loved it. I practiced almost every day**** and at one point while skyping with my parents, set the computer up so they could see my moves. How many of you can say that while skyping with your parents, you showed them the butterfly pole move? And then I moved on to showing my nieces...and left my brother to explain why Auntie Gherkin has a fireman's pole in her house.

*I didn't do it.
**And substantial bruising
***Situation over-estimation.
****Negligible improvement

Do you have what it takes?